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A little spoof written by Michael Nellis and David Hickey. It started out as an argument about free verse vs. traditional poetry, but turned out encompassing other things (people) as well. Originally, it ran in the Bardroom Echo.
**MN : What Michael Nellis wrote.
**DH : What David Hickey wrote.
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RHYME WARS
We join our hero on a catwalk on Limer Ick's Imperial Ship. Limer Ick has just revealed to Luke Rhymestomper that he is his father.
**MN Limer Ick: YES! <sound of breathing through mask> Now you need only take one small step to join me, and we will rule the empire as father and son. Come to me Luke. Reach out and let the free verse go.
**DH Luke: No Father. <sound of lightsaber powering down> You have embraced the limerick for the longest time, drank from it evil depths, but I still sense some free verse in you. The limerick seduces you with its ease of use, but free verse is the path to true power! Come with me, Father! I can bring out the man you once were... if you would only release your hold on that damned limerickal force.
**MN L.I.: <sound of breathing through mask> <sound of lightsaber falling to deck> My son is a hopeless weiner. He doesn't even use internal rhyme except by accident. <sound of breathing through mask> Oh! The shame of it all. What will the other Dark Lords of the Sith say when word of this gets out? I'll never be able to show my mask to the universe again.
My son only writes free verse,
I can't think of anything worse.
He's got them mind of a guppy,
Won't kick a puppy,
And I wish he'd get rid of that purse.
**DH L.R.: AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! <hands up, covering ears> I must resist!! Father, your evil plan will never succeed! The Rebel RhymeAlliance will win! You can't convert me when I use the power of
THE FREE VERSE!
<Luke jumps off the stanza and into the void>
**MN L.I.:
He went and jumped into the void.
He did it to leave me annoyed.
The free verser died,
From suicide,
Like any simpleton droid.
**DH The dark lord, Limer Ick, believed that Luke was dead. However, as Luke plunged to certain death, he use the Free Verse to produce a dangling modifier. This modifier clung to the side of the huge shaft Luke had thrown himself into. Luke grabbed hold of the modifier and... uh... well... he dangled.
Laurie Solitaire was flying the Millenium Rutabaga and spotted Luke dangling from his modifier underneath Limer Ick's ship. Deftly, she piloted the Rutabaga underneath and plucked him from the modifier. They sped off into space.
"Luke," she said. "Are you alright?"
"Yes," Luke said. "Limer Ick almost had me but I tricked him with my dangling modifier trick."
"Free Verse," Laurie scoffed. "Using that damned magic is going to get you killed someday! Give me a laser vegetable anyday!"
"Where are we going?" Luke asked.
"To see Jontar the Jud. I borrowed a shovel from him to lend to Hickey the Horrible a little while ago, and it's time I paid him back."
**MN
So off they sped to see Jontar the Jud,
A fat, putrescent, and arrogant crud.
To bring him a shovel for shovelling mud,
And smack him in his pupidarous pud.
They sped past light speed in the Rutabaga,
Passed far distant planets and stars like Vega.
Till they arrived at his fortress by Sega,
And landed their ship on his prize Marionayga.
The Jud was so ticked to see bushes so flat,
He cut lose with flatulence, then fairly shat.
Laurie tried to explain; he heard none of that,
But he promised to feed them to his Argellan cat.
That cat was tremendous, each claw a meat hook,
And when he yowled, the whole fortress shook.
They marched in the prisoners, let them take a look,
"You'll soon be a furball, you miserable schnook".
**DH Laurie and Luke were thrown mercilessly to the Agrellan cat who howled with glee. As the cat lunged for the pair with a slash of it hooked claw, Lauire pulled Luke out of the way and dashed down the corridor.
"Damn," Laurie swore. "I'd give anything to be in the Rutabaga now! How do you get me in these things, kid?"
"As if this is my fault," Luke complained. "Next time, land your bucket of bolts on the pad instead of in the bushes! What were you thinking? Trying to get in touch with nature by stomping on innocent bushes?"
Laurie looked over her shoulder to see the cat in hot pursuit. Luke grabbed her by the arm and they ran into a small cave. The cat whined and hissed, but couldn't fit into the opening. Laurie looked up and saw a metal grate in the ceiling. Jontar the Jud was leering at her through the bars.
"Thought you were smart killing my trees?
Didn't you see the sign? Can't you read?
Hiding in this cave will not my fun foil.
Guards! Bring over that vat of hot oil!"
"Well kid, we've got a choice. Either we'll be fried onions or catnip, take your p-- what are you doing?"
Luke was cross-legged on the ground and mumbling to himself, his eyes closed as he concentrated. Laurie looked up with dismay and saw the Jud's guards getting ready to dump the cauldron of hot oil down the grate. "Kid! This isn't time for introspection! We're gonna be deep-fried! We have to make a break past Garfield out there! Kid?" Laurie waved her arms in front of Luke's face, but got no response. Luke pulled a small, shiney object from his purse. It was a bronzed beet.
Hey, that's the Bronski Beet I gave you when you saved my hide back on Excellius 4! How's that going to h-- yeow!" A drop of boiling oil fell on Laurie's cheek, and she hastened to get it off.
"This beet is going to save our lives," Luke said calmly. "Sit down and hold my hands."
"B-b-b-but... Aw, heck! We were going to die anyway." Laurie sat down and held Luke's hands. Jontar the Jud laughed heartily.
"Look at them!
They have to concentrate on dying!
Spill the oil and get them frying!"
As the guards tipped the cauldron, Luke threw the beet in the air
and said:
"I was there for you You were there for me We are both protected from harm
One beet for your life saved will save our heartbeats one and all!"
The beet suddenly changed into a massive bronze shield, covering both Luke and Laurie from the deadly onslaught of boiling oil. The oil splashed and roared toward the cat who was still trying to get in. Once the oil rushed around the cat's feet, the monstrous beast let out a wail and hit the ceilng, hooked claws gripping the stone structure. Jontar the Jud roared in anger.
Luke and Laurie got up and dusted themselves off. Laurie looked at Luke in wonder.
"That's the last time I doubt the Free Verse again! How did you do that?" she asked pointing at the sheild.
"Symbolism," Luke answered with a grin. He waved his arm and the shield reverted back into a beet which fell neatly into Luke's purse.
"Now let's show that Jontar the Jud the true definition of poetry!"
**MN
Laurie and Luke ran lightly on love,
While the Jud and his minions chased from above.
Through living rock, tunnels twisted and narrow,
Followed by lunatics, vicious and callow.
Bursts from a laser cut close overhead,
Till the roof fell in, and the minions were dead.
An upwards turn, quick climbing the ladder,
Out of the bolt hole, behind the rose adder.
There 'Baga waited, a great brooding hen,
The Jud burst through a wall, sure he had them then.
The boarding ramp hid them for just a few microns,
Then the Jud started blasting and spewing hot licrons.
She hit a switch, shields came to the fore,
To protect the 'Baga, from more laser score.
The Jud barked his orders, on top of a turret,
A cannon swivelled on target, as quick as a ferret.
Energy burst and splashed far and wide,
And more of Jud's minions fell with burned hide.
Onto the bridge came the two heroes panting,
A quick check of telltales, then Laurie was ranting.
"That putrescent, fat, and arrogant scuz!
He's hurting my ship, and I'll kill him because,
No one does that to my prescious 'Baga,
I'll fry that old fart and his fortress by Sega!
A hand tripped a toggle, a rumble was felt.
She grinned so widely, determined to melt
That gross lard bucket, in the 'Baga's exhaust,
And go so far away they could safely get lost.
Magnetic fields constricted, hydrogen flowed,
Engine parts heated till they glowed,
"What are you doing?" Rhymestomper queried.
"She's ready to go." He said, looking worried.
"Watch this!" she exulted as their shields were felled,
A Nova like burst, and Rhymstomper yelled.
The G forces mashed them both into their seats,
The 'Baga took off, in a ball of heat.
Jontar's fortress was blasted by lots o' radiation,
but since he was fried, he felt no irritation.
The fortess walls ran like ice cream in the sun,
And what ever was left, just wouldn't be fun.
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