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APPENDIX 05: JARGON

DICTIONARY OF DATING:

* Originally by Ronny van Duren, 2:285/422.5
* Originally to All
* Originally dated Mon 19 Apr 1999 14:16

-*- Forwarded message follows: -*-

ACADEMIC JARGON:

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN:

I didn't look up the original reference.

A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT:

These data are practically meaningless.

WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS:

An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY:

The other results didn't make any sense.

TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN:

This is the prettiest graph.

THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT:

I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

IN MY EXPERIENCE:

Once

IN CASE AFTER CASE:

Twice

IN A SERIES OF CASES:

Thrice

IT IS BELIEVED THAT:

I think.

IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT:

A couple of others think so, too.

CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE:

Wrong.

ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS:

Rumor has it.

A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS:

A wild guess.

A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA:

Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS:

I don't understand it

AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES:

They don't understand it either.

THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS:

Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY:

A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD:

I quit.

======================================================================

NEW JARGON

A dictionary of "new" jargon someone sent to me. Some of it humorous, some silly, and some is all too true. Original source unknown.
--Keenan Powell

ADMINISPHERE:

The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. (See DILBERTED)

ALPHA GEEK:

The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

BEEPILEPSY:

The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

BLOWING YOUR BUFFER:

Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

BOOKMARK:

To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

BRAIN FART:

A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CAREER-LIMITING MOVE (CLM):

Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

CGI JOE:

A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

CHIP JEWELRY:

A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

CRAPPLET:

A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

COBWEB SITE:

A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. (See LINK ROT)

DEAD TREE EDITION:

The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

DILBERTED:

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." (see ADMINISPHERE)

DORITO SYNDROME:

Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

GLAZING:

Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" (see the acronym MEGO, appendix 01)

ELVIS YEAR:

The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

EGOSURFING:

Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
[I heartily recommend it as a way to find out what some people are saying about you that has been archived. Speaking from experience. -MN]

GRAY MATTER:

Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

GRAYBAR LAND:

The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

IT'S A FEATURE:

From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

LINK ROT:

The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die. (See COBWEB SITE)

KEYBOARD PLAQUE:

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

NYETSCAPE:

Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

OPEN-COLLAR WORKERS:

People who work at home or telecommute.

PLUG-AND-PLAY:

A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

SALMON DAY:

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

SQUIRT THE BIRD:

To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

TOURISTS:

People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

UNDER MOUSE ARREST:

Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

WORLD WIDE WAIT:

The real meaning of WWW.

404:

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

======================================================================

GEEKED OUT FUGGLY HACKER SLANG:

Computer and techno-culture has given rise to a slang that is Po-Mo (postmodern) hip. Many words and phrases are not as much tied to the machine, as they are to human experience and perception, particularly irony.

We offer a few examples from The Jargon File, an informal collection of unofficial technical terms which has been a-building in computer networks for years:

CASTERS-UP MODE:

A synonym for broken or down.

DROOL-PROOF PAPER:

Documentation that has been obsessively "dumbed down" -- that is, "written on drool-proof paper." Here is an injunction for cretins from Apple's LaserWriter manual: "Do not expose your LaserWriter to open fire or flame."

FUGGLY:

Emphatic form of ugly -- funky + ugly.

GEEK OUT:

To temporarily enter techno-nerd mode while in a nonhacker context, for example at social gatherings within sight of computer equipment.

MARKETROID:

[alternatively: marketing slime, marketing droid, marketeer] A member of a company's marketing department, especially one who promises users that the next incarnation of the product will have features not even contemplated yet.

SAGAN:

[from Carl Sagan's TV series "Cosmos" -- "billions and billions"] n. A large quantity of anything. "We'll spend sagans figuring that out."

SHELFWARE:

Software purchased on a whim and never installed except on a shelf.

WAVE A DEAD CHICKEN:

To perform a ritual over crashed software or hardware that one believes to be futile but is nonetheless obligatory to satisfy others. "I'll wave a dead chicken over the source code, but I think we've run into an OS (operating system) bug."

======================================================================

HIGH TECH COMPUTER SALES JARGON:

Ever wanted to know what all those brilliant lines that make us buy things we don't want or need REALLY mean?

NEW: Different color from previous design

ALL NEW: Parts not interchangable with previous design

EXCLUSIVE: Imported product

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments

ADVANC EDDESIGN: The advertising agency doesn't understand it

IT'S HERE AT LAST!: Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

FIELD-TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment

HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit

DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had big argument with distributor

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one that works

REVOLUTIONARY: It's different from our competitiors

BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it

FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does

DISTINCTIVE: A different shape and color than the others

MAINTENANCE-FREE: Impo ssible to fix

RE-DESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope...

HAND-CRAFTED: Assembly machines operated without gloves on

PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period

MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours

ALL SOLID-STATE: Heavy as Hell!

BROADCAST QUALITY: Gives a picture and produces noise

HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it

SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE: When comple ted, will be shipped by Greyhound

NEW GENERATION: Old design failed, mabey this one will work

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS: We got a good deal at a government auction

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY: You can return it from most airports

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES: We finally got it to fit together

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED: Does things we can't explain

LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

-Submitted by: Brenda M Standefer @mesa5.mesa.colorado.edu

======================================================================
Date: 03-11-99
From: S T E B L U B L U
To: ALL
Subj: How Country Folk "Talk Technology" Conf: (14) Proton
...................................................................

* Original in area MTLNET.COMPUTER
* Original from August Abolins 17:613/100
* Original to all
* Original about "How Country Folk "Talk Technology""
======================================================

How Country Folk "Talk Technology":

1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.

16. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

17. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

18. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.

19. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

INVESTMENT TERMINOLOGY:

These terms have been updated to fit the post-ENRON/WOLRDCOM economic era:

POLITICAL JARGON:

Bafflegab: intentionally confusing jargon.
Bloviate: to speechify pompously.
Boondoggle: wasteful or crooked government-funded project.
Flugie: a rule that helps only the rule maker.
Gobbledygook: nonsensical explanation, bafflegab.
Mugwump: a political maverick.
Roorback: an invented rumor intended to smear an opponent.
Speechify: to deliver a speech in a tedious way.
Snollygoste r: a politician who puts politics ahead of principle.

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMINOLOGY FOR CATS:

Politically Correct Cats:

THEATRE JARGON:

In my never-ending quest to change theatre across the nation (for better or for worse, I'm no longer picky), I've spent a lot of time thinking about what theatre needs. I've ruled out more funding, better play scripts, passionate artists, and a renewed interest from the public. No, what theatre needs is more jargon. Lets face it, the technical fields are growing and expanding so rapidly, that they add hundreds of new terms and words a year. Theatre barely adds a dozen or so. So, in an attempt to move the industry I love forward, I have taken the liberty of making up words for a few of the unnamed occurrences in theatre. Little by little, we can work together to save American theatre from its distressing lack of new jargon.

Look these up in your Funk and Wagnalls.


Strolling Ovation (noun)- A standing ovation that is caused mainly by people trying to leave the theatre in the middle of curtain call.

We received a strolling ovation, so the house was half empty by the third bow

Glean Joke (noun): The first mildly humorous line of a play, used by those working on the show to determine the energy level of the audience.

They barely snickered at the glean joke, it's going to be a long night.

Fourth Wallflower (noun): An audience member, usually in the first few rows, who either looks so odd or so familiar that an actors attention is drawn to them.

I'm sorry I was distracted, but there's a fourth wallflower stage right that looks just like my Uncle Irwin.

Cue Tip (noun): Subtle hints given to direct lost or confused actors back to the script.

I had to give Penelope several cue tips in that last scene, has she been taking shots backstage again?

Monolag (noun): Gaps of silence when an actor forgets a line during a long speech.

The I hate cheesecake speech suffered from major monolag tonight, it added tem minutes to the show, and the old man in the front row started snoring.

Plays trip (verb): The act of reducing a long play to fit into a predetermined amount of time, or cutting large amounts of questionable content to please a certain audience.

St. Wallaby's High School Thespian Troop performed Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, but they had to playstrip it so much that the audience thought it was a love story.

Electraction (noun): The near magical force that lighting technicians use to maintain balance while adjusting nearly unreachable instruments on unstable ladders.

Wilbur's electraction is legendary. I ve seen him focus a rusted fresnel while balancing on a stack of barndoors that was sitting on top of a ladder so rickety it could have been made out of pasta.

McGaffer (noun): The technician at the theatre who can fix anything, frequently using unorthodox methods

Our headsets were malfunctioning, but our McGaffer fixed them with some bubble gum and a hockey ticket

Always happy to be of service.

Thomas Jenkins
Actor/Technician/Writer/Punster

U.S. MEDIA JARGON OF WAR:

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