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APPENDIX 06: VIRUS PARODIES

Federal Bureaucrat Virus:

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus:

Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

Gallup Virus:

Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error)

Paul Revere Virus:

This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Politically Correct Virus:

Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Right to Life Virus:

Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus:

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus:

It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus:

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus:

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Texas Virus:

Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus:

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Jeffrey Dahmer Virus:

Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

Warren Beatty Virus:

Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

C-NILE VIRUS:

Thought you would want to know about this email virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears (more frequently) to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. You send the same e-mail twice.
2. You send a blank e-mail.
3. You send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. You send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. You forget to attach the attachment.
6. You hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. You hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. You hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

This is called the "C-NILE VIRUS."

TROJAN VIRUS WARNING:

From: Your Bark is my Dinner Bell
Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 06:35:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [SacredAction] Trojan virus warning! (fwd)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 02:37:47 -0000

-----Original Message-----

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

******************************

FROM: hector@s...
TO: laocoon@d...
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate it break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" business. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus, but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

===================END FORWARDED MESSAGE===================

WORK:

There is a new virus circulating. It is called "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

If you don't drink, check out the Dairy Queen Hot Fudge Brownie Supreme. Chocolate is a good substitute!

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the nearest bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

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