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Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: (How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?)
>None
>>Why none?)
I'm guessing it's because an atheist will not want to see the light.
--Michael Nellis
Q: How many mice ~
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many WASPs ~
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q. How many Mensans ~
A: Ha! If you think you could fit into a light bulb, even ONE of you fat brainiacs, let alone screw in it, well, then you ain't as smart as you think you are!
Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on how many can get in there.
Q: How many New Yorkers ~
A: None of your fuckin' business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many Marxists ~
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many gays ~
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many feminists ~
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many Ph.D. professors ~
A: Ph.D. profs don't screw in lights bulbs, they write position papers.
Q: How many fetishists ~
Fethist: How do you screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many bluegrass pickers does it take to change a light bulb?
-Dalton Kidd [AKA Pokie the Pooka]
Bluegrass pickers wouldn't change the light bulb, they'd just sing about being stuck in the dark.
You get a bulb and I'll get a switch, honey!
You get a bulb and I'll get a switch, honey!
You get a bulb and I'll get a switch,
But if it's burnt there's just one hitch,
Honey, honey, oh!
--Fang-Face DreamWeaver
Nope, it takes 5. One to change and 4 to gripe about it being electrical.
--Pokie the Pookie Pooka
Q: How many gardeners ~
A: A gardener won't change a light bulb. She'll pot it to start it inside and then harden it gradually.
Q: How many photojournalists ~
A: 15; 1 to change it; 2 to document the event; 3 to write letters to the NPPA and the trade press to complain about a disturbing trend among the younger generation of pjs to set up shots rather than find real ones; 4 to insist it'd be better to work with the available dark; 5 to sit back, drink Scotch, and allow as how it got changed, yeah, but it'd have been done better if they'd done it themselves.
Q: How many Civil Engineers ~
A: First, we have to determine where the new hydroelectric dam will be built . . .
Q: How many Astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is already too much light pollution.
Q: How many fairy princesses ~
A: None; if you are a true princess the guy does it.
Q: How many spoiled princesses ~
A: Someday my prince will come. . . .
Q: How many lawyers ~
A: Have your people call mine and we'll do a meeting.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue the wattage, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a paralegal to actually change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many rock 'n' roll guitarists ~
A: One to call the agent and four to destroy the hotel room.
Q: How many PHD students ~
A: Can't -- the financial aid check hasn't come yet.
Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on how many can get in there
Q: How many Dead Heads ~
A: They wait for it to burn out and then follow it around the country.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be REALLY small. --Mark Leonard
Q. How many No. Cal radicals ~
A: One. Plus a hundred to protest the the fascist electrical/energy corporate profit mongers.
Q. How many "feminine women" ~
A: They don't. They have men for that.
Q. How many writers ~
A: What light bulb ... ?
Q. How many graduate students ~
A: Who has money for light bulbs?
Q. How many Marin-ites ~
A: Seven: Three to heat up the hot tub, two to contact the caterer, one to call the interior designer, and one to call the electrician.
Q. How many Berkeley anarchists ~
A: ALL of them!
Q. How many state legislaters ~
A: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?????"
Q: How many Dead Heads ~
A: They wait for it to burn out and then follow it around the country.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians ~
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers ~
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulb work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many testers ~
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don't actually fix the problem.
Q: How many Microsoft technicians ~
A: Three. Two holding the ladder, and one to screw the light bulb into the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys ~
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future references to this light bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programmers ~
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light- bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light-bulb class, so all you have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers ~
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office.
Q: How many shipping department personnel ~
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get you the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers ~
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness[tm] as the new industry standard.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents ~
A: Eight. One to work the light bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed around the world.
Q: How many Atari execs ~
A: We no longer support that product. However, the new Jaguar CD does include a virtual light bulb that never needs changing!
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers ~
A: 1,331:
Q: How many Pentium designers ~
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: How many thought police ~
A: None; there never was any light bulb.
[NB: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.]
Q: How many MiB agents ~
A: MiB doesn't use light bulbs, Ma'am. <poof! WHEEeeee...>
Q: How many Jewish mothers ~
A: No, no, go ahead and have fun. I'll just sit here all alone in the dark.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman ~
A: That depends on how many burnt out light bulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Skeptics ~
A: One. But they'd prefer it be their own lamp, cause they checked it first and know it works.
Q: How many True-Believers ~
A: None. They'll just wait till God or E.T. does it.
Q: How many Existentialists ~
A: None. Light bulbs don't exist.
Q: How many Absurdists ~
A: Tuesday.
Q: How many Californians ~
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians ~
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A: Six. One to screw in the bulb, and the other five to mop the floor.
Q: How many WASPs ~
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data-base people ~
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb attributes.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans ~
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters ~
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: "One to change and one not to" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is six. One to change the bulb.
A: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light within themselves.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
A: The water is flowing under the bridge.
Q: How many Carl Sagans ~
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers ~
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists ~
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Fish.
Q: How many gorillas ~
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors ~
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists ~
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many managers ~
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types ~
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim ~
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many professors ~
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it and a grant from the National Science Foundation.
Q: How many people from New Jersey ~
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists ~
A: Only one, but the bulb has really got to WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers ~
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks ~
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents ~
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students ~
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" ~
A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" ~
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Polish workers ~
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Generals/Politicians ~
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students ~
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians ~
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers ~
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many supply-siders ~
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many Formal Methods Pragmatists ~
A: 2. One to change the bulb and one to re-write the specification.
Q: How many basses ~
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Q: How many vocalists ~
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many drummers ~
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Q: How many menopausal women does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Witches ~
A: What do you want to change it into?
Q: How many English Traditionalist Wiccans ~
A: If candles were good enough for grandma, they are good enough for you!
Q: How many eighth graders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one; all eighth-graders know how to screw up.
--sixth grade (middle school) light bulb joke
Q: How many members of the Bush Administration ~
A: Seven
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE! There's no reason to change anything! We made the right decision sticking with that bulb, and people who say it's burned out are aiding the forces of darkness!
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
Q: How many dogs ~
A:
Q: How Many Christians ~
A:
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