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[2]
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the double lock will keep.
May no brick through the window break,
And no one rob me till I awake.
--Unknown
[3]
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags,
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray,
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young,
And thank you, Dear Lord, for all that you've done.
I hope the dog that's running free
Doesn't find that part of me
Many precautions I must take
To keep that part I love to shake
Strict attention I must pay
To be sure I put the knives away
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too
There's just no telling what she'll do
So to preserve my manly charm
To keep it safe away from harm
I cross my fingers as I close my eyes
And I cross my legs to avoid surprise
Amen
--Mike Matthews (attrib)
[Only one small sample of the fallout from the attack against John Wayne Bobbit by his wife Loreena, whom he had allegedly raped and against whom she sought revenge by removing the offending part with a kitchen knife. --MN]
Paul Martin is my shepherd
I shall soon want
He leadeth me beside still factories and abandoned farms
He restores my doubt about the Grits
He annointed my wages with taxes and inflation, so my expenses runneth over my income.
Surely, poverty and hard living shall follow the Grits
and I shall work on a rented farm,
and live in a rented house forever.
Five thousand years ago Moses said:
"Pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the
promised land".
Five thousand years later, Trudeau said:
"Lay down your shovel and sit on your ass,
light up a camel; this is the promised land".
This year Paul Martin
will take your shovel, sell your camel,
kick your ass, and tell you he gave away the
promised land.
I am glad that I'm Canadian,
And I'm glad that I am free;
But I wish I were a dog,
and Paul Martin was a tree.
For water-ices, cheap but good,
That find us in a thirsty mood;
For ices made of milk or cream
That slip down smoothly as a dream;
For cornets, sandwiches and pies
That make the gastric juices rise;
For ices bought in little shops
Or at the kerb from him who stops;
For chanting of the sweet refrain:
"Vanilla, strawberry or plain?"
We thank Thee, Lord, who sendst with heat
This cool deliciousness to eat.
--from Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,
edited by Peter Washington
Good bread,
Good meat,
Good God,
Let's eat.
Rub-a-dub,
Thanks for the grub.
Ye-e-a-ay, God!
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the "unwed daddy," our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls, (sic)
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen.
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
Pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.
A BOY'S PRAYER:
Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice tits.
Amen.
Dear Lord. So far today, Lord, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble obedient tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in dri-dry underwear.
Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, our rooms made up and hot water running from the faucets.
We pray that the telephones work, and the operators speak our tongue.
Lead us dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the wine included in the price.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance and overtipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are, and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and castles listed as 'musts' in the guidebooks.
And if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
For Husbands Only:
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from 'bargains' they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.
For Wives Only:
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and night clubs. Above all do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength --
I'll beat him to death
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday.
23% on Tuesday.
40% on Wednesday.
20% on Thursday.
5% on Friday.
And help me to remember when I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 . . . to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!
Amen.
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
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