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And still so many writers find it in their heart of hearts to write in the ack.:
"I would like to thank my family, who have always been there for me."
An ack. I'd like to see:
"No thanks to you, Dad, for all the times you laughed at the idea of my being a novelist. And you Billy Jo, for the times you said I should get a real job. And Mark, thank you so much for not turning down the electric guitar while I was writing, because after all, music is art, writing is a waste of time. And no, Shelly, you won't find yourself in any of these characters, so don't even bother coming after me with your ambulance chaser of a lawyer; not every woman is *you*, you twit. Without you, I could have done it sooner.
Ah well. (Note: My wife is supportive of my writing addiction. The above ack. is not based upon personal experience, but rather, anecdote and observation.)
--Quinn Tyler Jackson, 03 Dec 2002
[The "ack" is short for
acknowledgement.]
2. The dog threw up on my keyboard.
3. All of the publishing houses have been bought up by one megagigantic one and the editor there doesn't like me.
4. One of my main characters who is supposed to be an assistant US Attorney has turned out to be a reporter instead and I've got all those chapters to rewrite.
5. I keep getting sleepy.
6. The dog wants to be fed.
7. The husband wants company to watch stinky movies.
8. My son thinks I'm his bookkeeper and wants me to make the deposit.
9. The cat just dumped my tea over onto the backup diskette.
10. My new dictionary program isn't compatable with my word processor.
11. The deadline isn't that close/important/long past.
12. It's too humid and I'm afraid the computer will rust or short out if I use it.
13. I just downloaded a huge FIDO Blorf and I have all this mail to answer...
14. I have to sort the eggs in the refrigerator by color.
15. The mail's almost here and I have to watch for it.
16. The cat needs combing.
17. It's too hot.
18. I have to read the additional excuses.
19. I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them.
20. These darned rented fingers just don't work right.
--Mellisa DiSpaltro
Here are a few of mine:
1. The cat is sitting in my lap and she's so fat I can't reach the keyboard.
2. The cat wants to be fed.
3. My thesaurus doesn't have the word I'm looking for.
4. My tendinitis might act up if I write, so I'll play this mind-numbing computer game instead, using the arrow keys.
5. I have to organize my references and put labels on all the folders.
6. I can't find my references, and half of them qualify for two or more separate folders anyway.
7. The spacebar on the keyboard squeaks and I have a headache (or at least, I'm planning on one).
8. I'm only on Chapter 2 of How To Write (fill in the blank).
--Jennie Boyd
Naturally, due to the rabidity of the responses to my generous comments about Australians, I've had to add one more procrastination to my list:
201: I can't write now because I have a horde of Australians at the door with lanolin on their breaths and an intent to rip my lungs out.
--Doc Logger
1. You must write.
2. You must finish what you write.
3. You must not revise except to editorial direction.
4. You must send out what you have written.
5. You must keep sending out things you have written until they sell.
[There is some considerable controversy about #3; Heinlein had apparently had far too much experience with the sort of beginning writer who polishes and polishes and revised and rewrites and ends up never finishing. He admitted himself, in later years, that he did second drafts. The more reasonable rule is more complex: If you are the sort of writer who hates revising, you must make yourself do it at least once; if you are the sort of writer who cannot stop revising, you must limit yourself to some reasonable number of revisions, say two or three.
The other four rules are dead on, which is why they have been so
widely repeated.
--Patricia C. Wrede]
(see CRISIS OF THE LIBRARIAN; also see SPECIFICATIONS FOR THE SIMON-PURE SCIENCE FICTION STORY, THREE AXIOMS OF PROPHESY, and RULES OF WRITING, Appendix 07)
(return to HEINLEIN'S RULES FOR WRITING, Appendix 07)
1. Thou shall not sprinkle characters into a pre-conceived plot lest thou produce hackwork. In the beginning was the character, then the word, and from the character's words is brought forth action.
2. Thou shall imbue thy heroes with faults and thy villains with charm, for it is the faults of the hero that bring forth his life, just as the charm of the villain is the honey with which he lures the innocent.
3. Thy characters shall steal, kill, dishonor their parents, bear false witness, and covet their neighbor's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, and ass, for readers crave such actions and yawn when thy characters are meek, innocent, forgiving, and peaceable.
4. Thou shall not saw the air with abstractions, for readers, like maidens, are seduced by particularity.
5. Thou shall not mutter, whisper, blurt, bellow, or scream for it is the words and not the characterization of the words that must carry their own decibels.
6. Thou shall infect thy reader with anxiety, stress, and tension for those conditions that he deplores in life, he relishes in fiction.
7. Thy language shall be precise, clear, and bear the wings of angels for anything less is the province of businessmen and academics and not of writers.
8. Thou shall have no rest on the sabbath for thy characters shall live in thy mind and memory now and forever.
9. Thou shall not forget that dialogue is as a foreign tongue, a semblance of speech and not a record of it, a language in which directness diminishes and obliqueness sings.
10. Above all, thou shall not vent thy emotions onto the reader for thy duty is to evoke the reader's emotions, ... and in that most of all lies the art of the writer.
--Sol Stein; Christmas 1992
(Alternatively):
I. Thou shalt write. Thou shalt not sit on thy duff waiting for inspiration.
II. Remember thy story line to keep it moving.
III. Honor thy muse that thou may take thyself seriously as a writer.
IV. Thou shalt kill, murder, steal, and fornicate that thy plots may be interesting to the land.
V. Thou shalt not bore.
VI. Thou shalt not edit until thy first draft is finished.
VII. Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's titles, characters, or ideas.
VIII. Thou shalt study thy Writer's Market that thy road to publication may be brief and the potholes small.
IX. Thou shalt always double space and include a SASE.
X. Thou shalt mail thy manuscripts to editors, for it is through submission and rejection that we come to publication.
Every year around this time I get a lot of calls and letters from students who are considering a career in journalism and want to question me about the mysterious and romantic life of being a weekly columnist. And I am, as usual, only too pleased to help out in any way I can.
Consider it a public service. Here are the Top 10 (give or take a few) of the most frequent queries from brown-nosing little keeners who want to make their mark in journalism:
*
Question 1: You suck.
Answer: That's not a question. Remember: It has to be in the form of a question. Try again.
*
Question 2: Do you know something? You suck.
Answer: That's better. But you see, you asked and answered your own question.That's poor interviewing form. Let the subject do the talking.
*
Question 3: Do columnists really drink beer from morning to night?
Answer: Of course not. We don't even get up 'til well past noon.
*
Question 4: What do you think of the recent statement at a PEN benefit that right- wing writers like David Frum and Barbara Amiel should be put behind bars?
Answer: That's dumb. Most writers stand in front of bars. If you go behind the bar, the bartender gets pissed off and calls the bouncer who drags you outside and kicks the living ...
*
Question 4B: No, no, no, you moron. The suggestion was that Amiel and Frum should be jailed.
Answer: Hmmmm. Jailing Amiel and Frum would be terribly unfair --to the other inmates. I mean, how would you like David Frum for a cell-mate? He'd bore you shitless. Prisoners have human rights too, you know. So I'm surprised PEN would suggest such an atrocity.
*
Question 5: Do you have to learn the rules of grammar in order to become a professional writer?
Answer: Definitely. Nothing annoys a professional writer or editor more than sloppy and improper usage of English. Let's study the following examples that can hurt your chances in a newspaper job interview:
Example A: "Me and my bro' want a job irregardless an' we ain't gonna take no crap from youse."
This of course is wrong, as the sentence contains a double negative. It should read: "Me and my bro' want a job irregardless an' we ain't gonna take any crap from youse."
Example B: "Listen up, boogerhead, do ya wanna be my boss or do ya wanna be someone I gotta kick the shit out of."
Anyone can see that this sentence contains a glaring dangling participle. Of course, the correct form is: "Listen up, boogerhead, do ya wanna be my boss or do ya wanna be someone of whom I gotta kick out the shit."
Example C: "My friend and me need the day off, editor dude, coz hopefully, him and me is gonna score some crack downtown."
Now listen carefully: THIS is the worst grammatical offence of all -- improper usage of the word "hopefully." If you don't want to give a potential employer a bad "first impression" that you are some low form of life with the brains of something rubbed on a wall above a urinal, you will be very, very careful to say: "My friend and me need the day off, editor dude, coz it is hoped that him and me is gonna score some crack downtown."
*
Question 6: Are foreign languages helpful to a writer?
Answer: You should know at least the key words in Spanish, French and German.
Spanish:
A. "Otra cerveza, por favor, muy frio." ("Gimme another beer and make it a cold one.")
B. "Dos cervezas mas, tonto." ("Two more beers, foolish person.")
C. "Rapido!!! ?Donde esta el bano?" ("Quick! Where's the can?")
French:
A. "Qui a coupe le fromage?" ("Who cut the cheese?")
B. "Quel bozo!" ("Where is the train station?")
C. "Mangez la merde, garcon." ("What is good on the menu?")
German:
A. "Achtung! Halt Amerikana!" ("Please carry my luggage.")
B. "Schnell, schweinhund." ("Thank you very much.")
C. "Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat." ("Hello, excuse me, I read too many war comic books as a child.")
*
Question 7: Do you have any prejudices? Do you think some people are third-class citizens based on where they come from?
Answer: Of course not. Some of my best friends are from Calgary.
*
Question 8: Who is the most brilliant humorist of this age?
Answer: For a real shit-your-pants belly-laugh, you can't beat syndicated Family Circus cartoonist Bil Keane. I love it when he pretends his son Billy is drawing the strip or when he has ghosts named "Not Me" and "I Dunno" and when he traces Billy's steps around the neighborhood. I think it's sheer brilliance that a man can write the same crappy stuff week in and week out and get paid for it. That's how I got the idea for Naked eye.
*
Question 9: Turning to the problems of rock criticism, now that the rock star Prince has changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, how would you call him for an interview?
Answer: The same way you call any other being named "Prince" who now has a name you can't say -- with a dog whistle you can't hear.
*
Question 10: Why don't you ever write about anything important -- like saving the environment?
Answer: Oh, I think saving the environment is very important and we should all chip in and do our bit. For example, whenever I'm swimming in the Don River I am always careful to put any old tires or rusty oil cans in those shopping carts that are thoughtfully provided in the middle of the river. A couple of other "Green Tips" I'd like to pass along: never swim in the Don when it's on fire. Don't eat the floating fish. Or the O Henry bars that float up on the beach.
*
Question 11: If a tree falls in the forest and lands on Bruce Cockburn, does he make a sound?
Answer: Cockburn has a mouth on him that would make a drunken sailor blush. He knows some words that would curl your hair, especially after a dozen beers. I think he's just naturally cranky due to the painful medical condition that bears his name. I keep telling him, "Bruce. Penicillin!" But he never listens. He just beats me senseless again.
*
Question 12: Do you believe in gratuitous use of profanity in the media?
Answer: Fuck, no.
*
Question 13: How do you get good ideas for your columns?
Answer: I'll let you know ... if that ever happens.
(Retransmit freely in cyberspace Author holds standard copyright)
Metaphors be with you.
--SD Gause
[...]
Really nasty. Like having your heart torn out and your arms ripped off. It can drive a person to suicide if it goes on for long ... it's as if your real self is denied you. Not common, thank goodness, and usually the result of serious trauma. Much more common is a flaw in the writing that'll hold up the work until it's found and fixed, or a lack of motivation, or a lack of self care which spoils concentration (lack of sleep, poor diet, no exercise -- that sort of thing)
The writer sits down to write and nothing comes to him or her, and anything (s)he tries to write through sheer strength of will is garbage -- but after a good night's sleep, or taking care of what's bothering him, or re-reading the work and finding the flaw -- it becomes possible again. (That's exagerration for effect -- usually people stay blocked on one piece for days or weeks before finding out what's wrong and fixing it.)
Once writers' block is seen as a symptom of a problem rather than the problem, the sufferer can look in the right direction to fix it. Often applying butt to chair and fingers to keyboard in a regular routine is what's needed. Sometimes a deadline or paycheque is the extra motivation needed. Sometimes not, depending on what caused the lack of creativity or lack of concentration.
Creativity is a complicated, not at all understood phenomenon that can be surprisingly resilient or terribly fragile, with no readily apparent reason for being either way. It manifests itself differently in each person dambblest with it, and comes and goes ephemerally with each person in a way that makes no sense to the individual, never mind to an onlooker. Some folk never suffer from writers' block if they have a deadline and are able to say with conviction "I couldn't afford to have it, so I didn't" -- losing sight of the fact that a set of circumstances that worked for one person is not necessarily going to have the same effect on someone else. Another person can end up unable to keep deadlines because of writers' block and lose a contract or job that (s)he could not afford to lose.
It makes no more sense than Barbra Streisand or Carly Simon or Meat Loaf having such overwhelming stage fright that
they were unable to perform in front of an audience for decades -- and it's just as real to the person going through it, and just as much nonsense to the person who's lucky enough to have never fought it.
--Laurie Campbell
These are the kinds of questions people ask you, as an author or a struggling prepub . . . they can come from family memebers, nosy co-workers, acquaintances at the post office (I recently autographed a couple of postcards for the postal clerks at the main Richardson P. O., either because they're convinced that I will eventually wear the world of NY publishing down, or because they were having a bit of fun with me, but it was egoboo anyway), curious strangers, or less-serious writers.
--Shalanna Collins
"Oh, no. Everybody's got a book in them, you know; I wouldn't presume to take away the book that's in you! Why don't you just sit down at your computer, type it out in Flyspeck 199 font to save paper, print it on coral onionskin bond, and mail it to the president of Warner Books in a pizza box marked 'URGENT -- PERSONAL'?"
(In Dorothy L. Sayers' GAUDY NIGHT, the writer heroine goes to a college reunion and someone asks her if she's still writing, which annoys her. This book was written in the early 1930s. Some things never change.)
Straight: "Just as soon as New York recognizes my talent." Skewed: "In about, oh, fifteen minutes, when Pinky takes over the world. It'll be on all channels."
(for published authors)
"Yep."
"As soon as I get all this made-up stuff out of my system. I'm considering an expose of the cuckoldries your (wife/husband/SO) has put you through -- should be a maximum gossip best-seller."
(fantasy writer) "I'm actually a priestess of the Temple of Set, and I'm just recording our rites for the Society of Black Mages...." (mystery writer) "Oh I just kill off people I don't like, frame OJ, and watch the fun." (romance writers) "Where do you get your research for the love scenes?" (straight) "I'm thirtysomething, married 10 years, have two kids... where do you THINK?" Better: "Your husband/wife/sister. Did you really believe
he/she spends the night in the LIBRARY?!" Or: "Tell your mom/dad I really miss her/him these days...."
"Yep. . . rather like the ones you have there in your bookcase."
"At least my money was better spent than the money you paid for those Dale Carnegie courses."
"Bad checques, mostly." "no. i hate it all the way to the bank." "How about what you write about?" "Advice; mostly bad or incomplete."
--Michael Nellis
--From the Writing echo
--Exchange between Michael Nellis and a Writing newcomer
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh, no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
The manager said, distantly, "I'm still here." Pause.
"Well? What do you think?"
Pause continued. Then: "I still don't get the connection between writers and coffee."
What do writers write when they're writing about each other? Find out:
You haven't been going about it wrong at all. You should think of it more as growing as a young child grows. You have to walk before you can run. What you have been doing so far is analogous to taking baby steps while learning how to walk. As you practise, of course, it gets easier, and you will exhibit greater skill until you are running full tilt, flying with the wind.
Then you start submitting and you hit the wall.
--Michael Nellis
The Brad Hancock School of Profundity Writing
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--B.H. Carmichael, CA
"I wrote in my diary nearly every night, and worked at a fast- food joint during they day. Then I took the BHSPW course and now I order the burgers! My fourth book is due out this fall, and I've already pocketed a SIX-FIGURE Advance!"
--J.S. Baltimore, MD
Do You have what it takes to be a Well-heeled and Respected Writer? To find out, take our Can I Write Profundity test. Just answer easy multipile test and essay questions, such as the sample questions below.
William Shakespeare was a...
a). Coach for the Kansas City Chiefs.
b). Participant in Wrestle-Mania IV.
c). Author.
d). TV Evangelist.
Capitalize this sentence...
i fear my friend that i shall render myself tedious by dwelling on these preliminary circumstances...
How did you do? If you chose "C" in the multiple choice section, capitalized "I" in the essay portion of the sample questions, then we think you've probably got what it takes to become a Wealthy and Respected Writer!
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This seems like a good place for this message. It's that time of year again, tax time, and I have, for some years now, posted on this echo my previous year's income from writing, especially because, amusingly or annoyingly enough, it kept being very close to the alleged "average" income from writing in this country, which is to say, around four or five thousand dollars.
Well. Last year was pretty bad. No royalties, one on-publication payment for THE DUBIOUS HILLS of about a thousand dollars. Grim.
However. I just got the first part of my advance check for JUNIPER, GENTIAN, AND ROSEMARY. It's well above that dread average. Furthermore, the book is due on September 1, and even if certain recent events plus the generally intractable nature of the book itself make the deadline slip a bit, I should still get paid the second part of the advance this year also, which makes this year's income about double the usual. Yet further, there is a distinct possibility of some royalties, either this month or -- much more likely -- in October, because TAM LIN is still in print and selling quietly, and HILLS is all over the frigging bookstores.
That's the good news. Even if you write idiosyncratic, literary, intellectual, muddly fantasy, and even if you start with a publisher with a Stealth Program, and even if they fire your editor and mess up your third book, and even if you don't write a book a year the way God and the Marketing Department intended, in a mere eleven years you can work your way up so that in one year you make enough to rent a room in some friendly fannish household and feed yourself and your cat on generic foods, from writing alone.
I forget the bad news.
--Pamela C. Dean
In keeping with my desire to actually talk about the craft of writing now and then, I'm posting this set of notes on a talk our support group at BookStop recently had on "plot nuts and bolts."
You've heard people talk about teaching or learning "the nuts and bolts of writing," right? SF writer Michael Stackpole came up with the term "plot bolt," and now explorers have discovered the nut that sometimes goes with it.
What, you may ask, is a plot bolt? Just as a bolt fastens objects together by sticking through them and "hanging them from the holes," a plot bolt extends through the plot and helps to hold the parts together. Plot bolts pull a story together by helping the reader
Okay, now for the PLOT NUT (nope, that's not a fan who has all the stories to the STAR TREK movies memorized.) What we mean here is that a plot bolt ties one strand of the plot into an entirely different strand. These make the subplots related.
I write to keep the voices quiet.
I write because keeping the voices quiet that way is less time consuming than therapy, because I can't really afford the prozac, and because I only consider cyanide idly, not seriously. :-)
'Sides, I have fun writing this stuff. There's nothing like sitting down to shake up some
schmuck's entire world and laughing your fool head off all the way through it.
--Michael Nellis
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