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1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I won't gloat over my enemies' predictament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No", and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to active when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
1. Never allow your children outside on Halloween night.
2. Or in the daytime, either.
3. Your children should spend Halloween locked inside a windowless room, sedated and wrapped from head to toe in reflective tape. .
4. If, God forbid, some neighbor, somehow, manages to actually give one of your children a treat, you must immediately snatch it away and destroy it with a flamethrower.
5. Never
use a flamethrower while sleeping.
--Dave Barry, 27 Oct 2002
2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature) in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then ke ep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there.
5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing body fluids, it's time to move out.
6. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons, even as a joke.
7. Don't look under the bed.
8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
9. If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as posible.
11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place. If you do, you will be seen and killed.
13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run, and NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.
16. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER, EVER, pair off, or go it alone. The more people the MSDC is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it's really dead.
21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
24. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
25. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
26. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE YOU WILL QUICKLY DIE.
27. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, DON'T GO AFTER THEM, AND DON'T GO OVER TO THE SHORE AND LOOK IN! If you are in a boat, immediately head for shore.
28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.
29. Do not take anything from the dead.
30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurences, leave.
32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
34. Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave immediately.
35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
36. Never pick up a hitchiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus.
37. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it.
39. If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
40. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
42. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are supernatural beings.
44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the MSDC chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the MSDC is now in front of you.
45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblence to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, or Eludium q-36 explosive space modulators.
51. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark - African big game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN," or preferably a chain gun.
52. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/ slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately or you will be killed.
53. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
54. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.
55. If you have any reason to believe there's an MSDC anywhere in the area/town you're in, don't have sex.
2: Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3: Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." The devil's name is Depression.
4: Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford.
5: Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
6: The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive; don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death and just wait in residence for your mail.
7: Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8: Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9: Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt country.
10: Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.
And always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Very often, people decide to get the Hell out of the Navy. However, the cultural shock of returning to civilization causes them to wonder if maybe they should have just stayed in. Here are some suggestions for things they can do to help answer that question:
1. Buy a Dempsey Dumpster, paint it grey, and live in it for six months.
2. Have someone standing near the main entrance to your house at all times.
3. Ensure that at least 25% of your family is at home at any given time.
4. Get up every morning at 0600 and stand in the back yard for an hour, being careful not to move around too much.
5. Assemble everyone in your family at 0630 every day and tell them what is going to happen that day.
6. Check all the doors and windows in your house at 1600 daily, closing any you find open.
7. Run a stand-by chit for a baby-sitter through your mother-in-law.
8. Have everything delivered to your house by a truck parked in the street, using a high-line, while it's raining.
9. Ask all of your in-laws, friends, and neighbors to list their names and social security numbers on sheets of paper requesting permission to visit your house. Ensure that they include the exact date and time of the visit.
10. Place the lists in Item 9 in a notebook in random order, smear or smudge every third one, lose every fifth one, make sure that half of them are out of date.
11. Paint out your house every time your in-laws (who live two blocks away) come to visit.
12. Whenever something breaks, spend at least two days investigating it, until the blame can be put on someone.
13. Put all of your suits and dress clothes in a 2" thick garment bag, fold the bag in half and store it somewhere it doesn't fit.
14. Throw out all of your clothes that won't fit in a sea bag, and store what's left in any one drawer in your smallest dresser.
15. Sweep your house and take out the trash three times a day.
16. Mount everything in your home to something else, to keep it from falling over.
17. Change your heating system to the navy standard two position type...45 degrees and 90 degrees only.
18. Tile over your hard oak floors and lay down non-skid.
19. Change the non-skid every month.
20. Arrange with the Post Office to have your mail delivered by helicopter every two weeks.
21. Install locks on all of the doors and cabinets in your house. Put all of the keys on one chain without any identifying marks.
22. Re-run all of the electrical cables and plumbing outside the walls and ceiling of your house.
23. Have your mother-in-law hold a zone inspection on your garage.
24. Correct all of the discrepancies from item 23 in one week, without buying anything.
25. Once every three months physically exert yourself, to prove to no one in particular that you can do it.
26. Every three or four years move.
27. Run six-inch line from your house to any surrounding trees.
28. Lock all of the doors and windows in your house once every three months, and allow no one to enter or leave for twenty-four hours, to simulate getting underway.
29. Plan everything that could possibly happen in your household at least two months in advance.
30. Change the plans scheduled in item 29 the day before they are supposed to occur.
31. Whenever you or your wife are shopping, randomly purchase at least two things that you couldn't possibly use.
32. Don't allow your children to age without first passing a 150 question test based on information they have no access to.
33. Whenever someone appears to be getting used to your rules, change them.
34. Institute several policy changes, and then ignore them.
35. Ask all of your family members for input, and then ignore them, too.
36. Pay your barber to cut your hair in a way he was taught not to.
37. At random, strip search anyone entering your house.
38. Train everyone to answer the telephone by giving the house address, their name and rating. Tell anyone who calls that it is NOT a secure line.
39. If ever a family member seriously screws up, process them for a discharge.
40. Carefully ensure that nobody in your house knows what to expect next.
41. Pick a name from a hat once a week to volunteer a family member to do something he or she doesn't want to do.
42. Once a week hold a one hour lecture on some topic nobody cares about.
43. Along those same lines, ensure that everyone is very proficient in doing at least six things that they will NEVER do.
44. Make everyone accountable for things they have no control over.
45. While changing the oil in your car, carefully wipe out the oil pan with a dirty rag. Take no more than 3 seconds to do this. Fill the drain pan with cold water and rinse your clothes in it. Put them back on just before they are done drying.
46. Run a loss-of-lube-oil drill on your car...stopping the shaft by shifting into reverse, preferably while doing better than 20mph.
47. Replace the jets in your carburetor using a three pound ball peen hammer and an 18" pipe wrench.
48. Submit a two kilogram proposal to the gas station to have your car tuned up.
49. Run your car into a brick wall. Then try to buy the parts at an auto parts store with a 1250.
50. Take apart your car's engine once a year, inspect the parts, and put it back together again.
51. Make all the gaskets to reassemble your engine with a cold chisel and a crescent hammer.
52. Refuel all of your vehicles between the hours of 0200 and 0400, never letting them get below 3/4's of a tank.
53. Perform item 52 by driving next to a tanker truck on a busy highway.
54. Wire brush the faucets in your house and paint the handwheels blue.
55. Install a pressure switch so that every time you turn on the shower the water pump turns off.
56. Jack your water heater up to about 230 degrees Fahrenheit or turn it off altogether.
57. Wait until you have intestinal flu; then secure the bathroom for field day.
58. Pump the septic tank into the bathroom.
59. Take all of your dirty clothes to the basement and wash them in a non-ionic soap. Hang them on the water heater to dry.
60. Install a filter on all of your faucets so that a very thin but noticeable film of oil will appear in every glass of water.
61. Submit a late sleepers chit to your wife for Sunday morning.
62. Cut off 3/4's of your king-sized bed and shorten it by 2 feet.
63. Hoist your bed to two feet from the ceiling and buy an alarm clock with a siren.
64. Buy a water bed and move onto the San Andreas fault.
65. Needle gun and repaint your aluminum siding, being careful not to damage it.
66. Once a year take apart all of your appliances and look at the parts.
67. Write a 5 page instruction for changing a light bulb. Include all tools needed, all safety regulations to abide by, and level of skill needed to perform the job.
68. Perform the instruction from item 67 on every bulb in your house, once a month, whether it needs it or not.
69. Paint bulls-eyes in every room of your house. Label each bulls-eye with the room's number and name.
2. Run to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be sure to yell, "I'm going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as I can carry."
3. Have a ski mask and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss out on all the looting fun.
4. Dig an underground bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster, at least you'll have an underground bomb shelter. How cool is that?!
5. Protect your water supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in every container.
6. Get some carrier pigeons. They'll be your best form of communication. They also taste like chicken.
7. Get one of those Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power failure who's gonna know what time it is? You are, that's who.
8. Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's new currency.
9. Punch a computer programmer. Why? Why not.
10. Have plenty of clean towels. It's not specific to any millennia disaster, but when have you ever not needed clean towels?
11. Get used to changing the channel by hand. Remote controls will be totally inoperable.
12. Stock up on cat food. No, it's not for feeding cats -- It's for catching them -- if you know what I mean.
13. Have plenty of sharp #2 pencils on hand. Due to computing errors, you may have to retake your SAT or ACT.
14. Throw out your microwave and VCR. On January 1st, they may come alive and try to kill you.
15. Collect all the spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons are everywhere. But after January 1st, who knows?
16. Move to Canada. Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.
17. Visit a fertility clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish the earth.
18. Make friends with the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're all Amish.
19. Hunker down. Then hunker down some more. We just like to say "Hunker Down." Try it, you'll like it.
20. Break in your kids that the world may end. Start by telling them there is no Santa Claus. That way, the news won't seem so bad.
21. Save all your Christmas wrapping. It doubles as toilet paper.
22. Crawl into the fetal position and practice screaming: "We're all gonna die. We're all gonna die."
23. Stock up on earplugs so you don't have to listen to "We're gonna party like it's 1999" one more time!
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