(Return to Encyclopedia Introduction)
(Return to Top of main volume)
From the files of the Journal of the Institute of Scientific Santa-Clausism:
..........................................................
The Journal of the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism is the print organ of the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism, a research facility dedicated to gathering scientific evidence confirming the existence of Santa Claus and collecting information concerning the details of Santa's nature. It is our goal to place before the scientific community and the lay public a body of evidence so vast and solid as to convince all skeptics and silence the Secular Grinchists and other Santa- Claustrophobics. Being objective, we acknowledge that it may be true that some of the millions of annual Santa-clausal sightings may not bear up to careful scrutiny, being cases of mistaken identity, lies by misguided publicity seekers, and perhaps even (as the skeptics claim) products of hallucinations or swamp gas. None the less, as any rational open-minded individual must admit, if even one percent (a conservative figure) of the reported sightings and other evidence of Santa Claus cannot be explained away by the Secular Anti-SantaClausalists, this still results in an overwhelming volume of positive data.
Since this Journal's inception, the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism in conjunction with dozens of professional and lay Chris- Kringlists across the globe has presented to the world such momentous discoveries as the actual burial shroud of Santa Claus, actual phonograph recordings of Santa's voice, numerous actual photographs of Mr. Claus himself, incontrovertible evidence of Santa Claus in the hieroglyphic books of the ancient Maya, together with various well documented eye-witness reports and revelations of previously little-known details concerning Chris-Kringual nature.
..........................................................
Finn Proof in Frisco Print! S.F. News Duo OK Lap Mass Claus Sight!:
Mass sightings of Santa Claus have been taking place in Northern Finland, according to an article in the November 27, 1988 edition of the San Francisco Examiner. Examiner reporters Pat and Dick Alexander claim to have personally taken part in an uncontestable close Claus encounter in the area of Rovaniemi, Finnish Lapland.
"Santa Claus -- or Joulupukki, as the Finns call him -- is alive and well, and you can meet him...Kids and grown-ups alike visit his workshop" the article by Pat and Dick Alexander alleges, continuing mysteriously, "We did all this -- and more"
The intrepid reporters tell of their fact finding expedition to Joulumaahan (translated as "Santa Claus Land"), visiting "the largest of eight workshops in Santa's domain" and on December 24th (presumably of 1987, although the year is not stated) encountering Santa himself, who is described alternately as "the white-whiskered gentleman in the red suit (driving) reindeer" and "the bewhiskered man in the red suit (in) the sleigh".
The report says that locally Joulupukki "is known to the Lapp people as the good-natured elf who helped lost travelers and nursed to health forest creatures who were hurt and sick". The "large" figure, who the Alexanders assert is definitely Santa Claus, is described giving gifts pulled from a bag and as traveling in a bell bedecked sleigh pulled by a single reindeer named "Hassakka". Locals averred that the elf in question has maintained a residence on the east Lapland mountain of Korvatunturi Fell for centuries.
Prominent expert J.N. Whittingford-Hedges of the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism called the article "one of the best documented Santaific reports of the decade". Professor Whittingford-Hedges said that he was not surprised at the sleigh being pulled by only one reindeer "in so far as Lapland is already known as a reindeer training area for the esteemed Mr. Claus, and use of different numbers of the beasts for various parts of Santa's global journey are well documented. (See JISSC vol. MCXQI number 5, special all reindeerological issue)
Reindeer Update:
Celebrated reindeerologist Susan D'Nymm (not shown in photograph) has stated interest in the report of Santal connected activity in Lapland dating back centuries, since her previous research suggested that Santa has used Lap reindeer only since 1927, preferring the product of the Loman heard of Nome Alaska before then. "Perhaps the use of Alaskan reindeer was just a hiatus in Santa's habits, and Lap reindeer really have been the rule", she pondered. "It would be interesting to see if there was a dip in the Lap reindeer market in the early and mid 1920's". Professor D'Nymm also revealed that her latest research revealed that the Loman heard of Nome is no longer in existence.
...........................................................
Phonographic Update:
More proof of Santa Claus continues to accumulate on the phonographic front. In volume MCXQI #3 of the Journal of the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism we reported on the phonograph record of Santa's own voice "SANTA CLAUS HIDES IN THE PHONOGRAPH" (Brunswick 3689-A) discovered by Dr. Professor Faruk Von Turk pH D. Prominent Kringlist C. May of New Orleans reports additional recordings documenting Santa hiding in phonographs, Edison 50999 from 1921, and Brunswick 2333 from 1922. Professor May noted that B. 3689 from October 1927 is the last known instance of Santa hiding in a phonograph. "This is the date when electric phonographs first became commercially available. It can be speculated that perhaps an electric shock broke the Jolly Old Elf of his habit of using phonographs as hiding places".
Further confirmation has come from Dr. Professor Von Turk, who has collected samples of soot (a well known Clausal artifact) from the insides of a phonograph of the correct era. (See JISSC vol MCXQI #4 p.2)
...........................................................
SunState Publix Nix George Pix, Put Man In Red On Front of Greenback!:
The Florida based Publix Supermarket chain ("Where Shopping is a Pleasure") has been selling dollar bills with George Washington's picture replaced by that of Santa Claus (see illustration). Prominent expert the Reverend D. Meyer has commented "I'm sure that all Santaologists will join me in warmly applauding this move to further Kringle Consciousness. This new design for the dollar says a lot about what this country is really all about."
...........................................................
Zipcode for Santa:
The U.S.A. Postal Service has announced that they have assigned Santa Claus his own Zip code: 30351-1989. Santa is the first and thus far only individual so honored.
...........................................................
LEGAL PROOF!!! JUDGE RULES SANTA EXISTS !!!
A California Judge has ruled that yes, there is a Santa Claus, according to an Associated Press wireservice report.
The historic ruling was made on Wednesday, December 14, 1988, by Municipal Court Judge George T. Choppelas in San Francisco's Court of Historical Review and Appeals. "There really, really is a Santa Claus," Judge Choppelas is reported to have determined.
"This is one of the most important milestones in Scientific Santa Clausism, if not in all of history," commented internationally renouned Scientific Santalogist Carlos May at a press confernece at his New Orleans home the following day. "I wish I could have been there to witness it," Professor May concluded, apparently somewhat miffed at not having been flown to San Francisco as an expert witness.
The Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism's request for a transcript of this unbiased definative legal proceeding has yet to be answered. None the less, your Clausal researchers hope to be able to publish more information in a forthcoming edition of this Journal.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Santa's Been Green for a Long Time
Santa drives a hybrid system including a railed carrying vehicle, and propelled by an array of eight guidable digester-compactor units connected to the vehicle. The locomotion units produce the pulling and lifting power necessary to transport the payload.
Power input consists of highly compacted renewable glycogen-based solids. As fuel is consumed, digester-compactor units automatically expel compacted remainder pellets, which in turn are used to produce the renewable product that sources more solid fuel.
In recent years because of more stringent safety regulations, more crowded skies and the need to service an increasing clientload, The Santa Project has added a ninth digester-unit that displays a front red safety lamp. The other eight digester-compactor units are slaved to this ninth master unit in a tightly coupled physical guidance network controlled manually from the railed carrying vehicle.
I have no shame.
m
From: "Jacques van Oene" NASA News NASA Contacts: For Release: Dec. 21, 2000 KSC Release No: 113-00
SANTA BECOMES TEST PILOT IN KSC AIRSPACE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
Not only does Santa Claus know when you are sleeping or awake -- bad or good, he also knows with pinpoint accuracy the exact location of each planned delivery stop. With a newly installed Global Positioning System (GPS) on his sleigh, Santa plans to fly by the Kennedy Space Center's Shuttle Landing Facility (SLF) to test his space-age equipment against KSC's upgraded system.
Three differential GPS (DGPS) antennas, called Remote Satellite Measurement Units (RSMUs), were erected north of the mid-field point at the SLF during 2000. DGPS equipment is more accurate than the conventional GPS equipment used as navigational aids in automobiles and boats because each antenna sits on top of three survey points.
Both the SLF and the Skid Strip at Cape Canaveral Air Force Station will be available to Santa after the facilities close down for the holidays. "Both of these landing strips can be used to support a pit stop for Santa and his team while in the Central Florida area," said Bob Bryan, the Airfield Services Manager for Space Gateway Support. "No additional expense to the taxpayers during this time of stress to family budgets will be incurred," he added. Bryan, assigned as manager of the landing
strips during 2000, continues a tradition that started shortly after the opening of the SLF in the 1970s.
It is rumored that Santa is considering a "glass cockpit" upgrade to his sleigh before the 2001 Christmas deliveries begin. The new system would bring the sleigh up to par with fighter jets and Space Shuttle Atlantis. Atlantis underwent the "glass cockpit" modification during its last Orbiter Maintenance Down Period. Ann Beach, spokesperson for The Boeing Co. at KSC, said that she could not confirm, but neither would she deny, the report.
II/ Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say, that for every Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back
up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations) We are talking about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 1040 Km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.
III/ The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not
counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV/ 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Many fall for these calculations. Yes, there has even been one instance in which a vicar was criticised for using them to explain to small children that Santa does not exist. Luckily, some would say, the vicar has apologised to the traumatised children.
Because, even though the physics of the calculations is apparently good, the reasoning rests on a completely wrong premise, namely that Santa Clause does not exist. Even small children understand that this premise is completely wrong!
How will Santa Claus ensure that all the good children receive their presents and once again save Christmas? To clear up this important question, Internet magazine forskning.no has gathered four the country's sharpest researchers: astrophysicist Knut Jørgen Røed Øedegaard, professor of physics Gaute Einevoll, professor of mathematics Nils Lid Hjort and Elf expert Ane Ohrvik.
They've taken the job very seriously.
Ion-shield
If Santa Claus is to deliver all the gifts to all the good children, his sleigh must fly so fast that he would burn up due to air resistance. But it has already been documented that Santa has no problem climbing down a chimney with a fire burning below. So how does Santa solve the problem of heat?
"Santa obviously has an ion-shield of charged particles, held together by a magnetic field, surrounding his entire sleigh. This is how he solves the heat problem," points out Knut Jørgen Røed Oedegaard, who also casts a new light in the night sky:
"There are many meteor showers in December. Many astrophysicists, including apparently serious 'celebrity' astrophysicists at the university, who maintain that these lights in the sky are the result of dust particles that burn up as they enter our atmosphere. But this is nonsense, because they ignore the truth: That the lights are the result of Santa Claus moving out of and into the atmosphere as he travels around the globe delivering Christmas presents!"
Oedegaard believes that Santa saves time, energy and air resistance by producing gifts out in space. A new snowboard or doll weights quite little when it is high above the earth.
"Likewise, Santa Claus doesn't travel in our four dimensions (remember that time is the fourth dimension), but makes use of some 11 dimensions. These dimensions make it quite easy to pick up gifts from his warehouse at the North Pole," emphasises Oedegaard, while Nils Lid Hjort and Gaute Einevoll feel that recent string-theory allows for the use of at least 26 dimensions.
The more dimensions, the easier to deliver gifts.
Einstein = Santa Claus?
Such physics are Gaute Einevoll's speciality, and he brings a bold hypothesis to the table:
"We are talking about moving matter, and no one had more knowledge about matter than Albert Einstein. Do I need to point out that the dishevelled physicist reminds many of Santa Claus? Einstein published his special theory of relativity in 1905 and his general theory of relativity in 1916, but after Coca-Cola more or less defined Santa's 'look' in 1930, Einstein didn't publish that much more. I have wondered if that's because Einstein became Santa," speculates Einevoll.
He believes that the reason that Einstein never was able to link together quantum theory and relativity is due to the fact that the famous tussled head was busy in secret helping Santa to become a kind of "Quanta Claus".
Coincidence? Certainly not!
Santa Claus - A Threat to the Environment?
"Even though Santa uses both the ion-shield and travels between dimensions, the problem of air resistance remains," allows astrophysicist Oedegaard.
"There are so many more people now, and so many more good children, that there are more gifts and thus more air resistance. Therefore, it is natural to explain the warming up of the polar region with all the extra heat that is released. But this problem will solve itself over time, because if children are too good, then all the ice at the North Pole melt. Then there will be no more winter, and thus no more Christmas."
"This leads to a discussion of 'the bad children problem': Why do bad children also receive gifts and whether, out of respect for the environment, children should be a little more naughty - without creating more problems with discipline in school."
Elf expert Ane Ohrvik believes we should turn it around.
"Maybe Santa Clause should raise his standards?" she asks, and recommends a point system for naughty children. Santa has been receiving more and more mail every year, and for him to also send a "report card" could create a big postal problem, she points out.
Nils Lid Hjort suggests that the bureaucracy can be cut back if every family reports on children's behaviour direct to the local authorities.
Santa Sees You
Another question is how Santa Claus knows how nice children are. Gaute Einevoll suggests that children's winter caps can measure brain activity in order to read the infinitesimal magnetic fields that are generated by their thoughts. This information is then forwarded to Rudolf's antlers, which of course act as an advanced antenna system.
Ane Ohrvik points out that many Americans believe that Rudolf's red nose is a very advanced navigation system and everyone knows the saying "Santa Claus sees you" - something some interpret to mean that Santa Claus has psychic abilities.
In Nils Lid Hjort's opinion, it suggests co-operation between Santa Claus and the defunct East-European secret police: STASI.
"The STASI archives are still secret, and this is a clear indication that information about nice and naught children is there," believes Hjort, who doesn't rule out co-operation with local security services, which often have the latest information on whether a child is naughty or nice.
Flying Reindeer
Another apparent impossibility with Santa Claus are his reindeer, who don't just plod along. Nils Lid Hjort doesn't find it so strange that there are flying reindeer.
"You find flying creatures everywhere, and dinosaurs are a good example, but now they have developed feathers and are birds. Therefore it is no great paradox that we have flying reindeer," he believes.
Gaute Einevoll, who works with physics in organic systems, points out that it is a bit odd that reindeer don't have wings. But Øedegaard has elegantly solved the problem:
"Santa Claus of course uses vacuum energy. The sleigh and reindeer use repulsive energy to compensate for the force of gravity and therefore can fly."
And with that, the conversation turns to a discussion whether Santa has chosen the North Pole because of its social, religious and political neutrality; multiple universes with a Santa in each; and so on.
Papa With a Fake Beard?
There are quite a few flippant and speculative assertions about Santa Claus. The most ridiculous of these is that Santa Claus is just papa who has dressed up in the garage:
"This is the worst I have heard," says Nils Lid Hjort.
He is a professor and knows what he's talking about.
Although Hjort admits that a visit from Santa Claus often happens while pappa is out shovelling snow, there are many examples in which both Santa and pappa are in the same place at the same time, which weakens the argument that there is some connection between the two.
"I want to comment on the alternative situations: Of course you can find many trivial and sometimes fake Santas out there. But that doesn't mean that you won't find some real Santas," says Einevoll, who adds:
"If I lived alone at the North Pole and were to visit children and their mothers, I would want to do it when their father was out, he says, and suggests that this is the source for the socially realistic popular song 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'."
All together the panel the panel agrees without doubt that Santa Claus not only makes use of advanced physics, but he is also a brilliant organiser.
"Santa lives at the North Pole and there isn't so much happening aside from the occasional polar explorer. So he can use the whole year for self improvement," points out Gaute Einevoll.
Therefore, all children of all ages can relax: The laws of physics assure us that Christmas will come this year as usual!
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do, I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes, You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take, I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle, I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got, 1. Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "The House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
2. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and about the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (Hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
3. The minor residents, i.e, the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
4. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap).
5. Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property contiguous, adjacent and appurtenant to said House,i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a portal, a.k.a. a window, in the House to investigate the cause of said disturbance.
6. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was the previously referenced Claus.
7. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer").
8. (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
9. The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin and nature.
10. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
11. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
12. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to applicable provisions of The Uniform Gifts to Minors Act and thus no tax implications need be addressed at this time.)
13. Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and the Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
14. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Subject: Santa becomes test pilot in KSC airspace on Christmas eve
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory - Pasadena CA
Xref: news3.bellglobal.com sci.space.news:27385
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
John F. Kennedy Space Center
Kennedy Space Center, Florida 32899
AC 321 867-2468
______________________________________________________________________
Joel Wells,
Kennedy Space Center
321/867-2468
SANTA CLAUS:
FROM AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE:SCIENTIFIC SANTA CLAUSISM:
IF I WERE SANTA:
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you.
And deliver some things just inside your front door,
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair,
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back,
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa, I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year!
--Unknown
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS:
(Return to Top of main volume)
(Return to Encyclopedia Introduction)