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REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
--On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
--On a Taiwanese shampoo
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
--On the bottle top of a (UK) flavored milk drink
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
--On a New Zealand insect spray
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
--In a US guide to setting up a new computer
(The instructions were INSIDE the box.)
OPEN OTHER END.
--On the bottom of Coke bottles in some countries
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
--On a packet of Sun maid raisins
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
--On a Sears hairdryer
YOU COULD BE A WINNER!
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY
DETAILS INSIDE.
--On a bag of Fritos
[Also seen by this editor on a Maxwell House Coffee 1-kg
format can for their win-a-house contest, circa 2000. --MN]
DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
--On a bar of Dial soap
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
--On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box)
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
--On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
--On a Korean kitchen knife
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
--On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
--On a Japanese food processor
WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS.
--On Sainsbury's peanuts
INSTRUCTIONS: OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
--On an American Airlines packet of nuts
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
--On a child's superman costume
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
--On some frozen dinners
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
--On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
--On Boot's Children's cough medicine
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
--On Nytol sleep aid
TRESPASSING FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
--A sign for the lookout on the caldera rim of the Santorini
Volcano, circa 1991
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO NOT USE ELEVATOR. USE WATER.
--An actual sign on an elevator
(see JAPANESE PRODUCT LABELS)
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi, I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
and finally:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
1) Someone else made it
2) it's a gift
3) it's eaten in a church, or otherwise connected to a church event
4) it's eaten on your birthday
5) someone else pays for it
6) it tastes bad
7) it's eaten on a holiday or vacation
8) it's eaten in a very expensive restaurant
9) it's eaten on a date
10) it's eaten in front of the television when you don't have a date
11) it's eaten in the Tavern
--Kathy Wilson, 11 Aug 1993
The Ethnic Minorities Park is named "Racist Park".
A road sign on Beijing's Avenue of Eternal Peace warns of a dangerous pavement with the words: "To Take Notice of Safe; The Slippery are Very Crafty".
In restaurants menus frequently list items such as:
Highlands Ranch Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Englewood Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Colfax Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop... then we don't know what you are talking about.
Cherry Creek Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Commerce City Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Aspen Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Percocet prescription available.
Thornton Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Commerce City Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Boulder Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Aurora Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find, since the addition of the infant.
Arvada Barbie: She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting.
Greeley Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for Greeley Barbie or Ken.
Trinidad Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--The Dalai Lama
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you:
And the favorite:
The President's poll numbers rival Nixon's at his nadir, most voters say they don't believe him on Iraq, he's had to admit that the prewar intelligence was wrong, Plamegate stalks the White House. Social Security reform is off the table. Hurricane Katrina proved the grown-ups were definitely not in charge -- "You're doing a heckuva job" enters the lexicon as Bushese for "You have screwed up totally but I don't care."
2. The Republican Party is mired in corruption and cronyism.
DeLay's on trial, Randy Cunningham's going to jail, Frist's AIDS charity ladled nearly half a million to his friends, Jack Abramoff seems to have the whole party on his payroll. The Supreme Court is looking into that mid-Census redistricting in Texas that gave them five new seats in 2004. David Brooks openly wonders why working-class people should vote for the GOP. Good question!
3. The media are waking up.
In The New Yorker, Jane Mayer revealed the shocking role of doctors and psychologists in torturous goings-on at Guantanamo and the CIA's role in the killing of a detainee at Abu Ghraib. In the Washington Post Dana Priest exposed the existence of secret CIA prisons in Eastern Europe. The LA Times's Mark Mazzetti and Borzou Daragahi reported that the Pentagon paid the Iraqi press to publish pro-U.S. stories. The New York Times finally got rid of Judith Miller and just this December revealed that Bush authorized the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens without a warrant. Too bad the Times didn't break the story when they got it, before the 2004 election.
4. The Christian Taliban is going too far.
Terri Schiavo, pharmacists denying women birth control and emergency contraception, creationism in the public schools -- oh, excuse me, "intelligent design," just bounced from the Dover, Pennsylvania, school system by federal court Judge John Jones III as, well, creationism. When your claim to be victims of secularism rests on Wal-Mart greeters wishing shoppers Happy Holidays, you are clearly a bunch of great big babies.
5. Civil liberties are making a comeback.
ACLU membership is at an all-time high of more than a half-million. The Senate failed to reauthorize the Patriot Act, at least for now. The House banned "cruel, inhuman and degrading" treatment of detainees (but it also voted to deprive them of habeas corpus).
6. The world is becoming more gay-friendly.
Really! Gay marriage was legalized in Spain, South Africa and Canada (it's already legal in Belgium and the Netherlands), and Britain and Connecticut now permit civil unions, joining Denmark, France, Germany, Norway, Iceland, Luxembourg and Sweden. Capote and Brokeback Mountain, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as lovelorn gay cowboys, are huge successes. Basketball star Sheryl Swoopes came out and kept her Nike contract. Gay studies classes have started up in China.
7. The left is alive in Latin America.
Evo Morales has just been elected president of Bolivia on a platform of Indian and poor people's rights, opposition to U.S.-backed privatization schemes and support for coca farming (well, it's their country). Socialist candidate Michelle Bachelet -- pediatric surgeon, single mother, agnostic, feminist, former political prisoner -- is the frontrunner in Chile's presidential runoff. Just to show he doesn't hold it against Americans that Bush tried to overthrow him and Pat Robertson wanted to kill him, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is sending cheap home heating oil to the poor in Massachusetts and the Bronx.
8. DNA evidence exonerated twelve death-row inmates (that makes 168 so far).
Little by little, support for the death penalty is declining.
9. Heroes and whistleblowers spoke truth to power.
Cindy Sheehan put a family face on the antiwar movement. Dr. Susan Wood quit the FDA over its anti-scientific refusal to sell emergency contraception over the counter. Bunnatine Greenhouse blew the whistle on Halliburton's no-bid Army contracts in Iraq.
10. Third World women are on the move.
War-weary Liberian women elected Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf Africa's first female president. Malalai Joya, the fiery young feminist who excoriated the warlords at the 2003 loya jirga, won a seat in Afghanistan's Parliament. In Pakistan three sisters refused to be forcibly married to settle a dispute with another family; their father supported them.
11. Harvard president Larry Summers said women might not have the genes for science
. . . and caused such an outcry he's been atoning ever since with tenure offers, study commissions, millions in recruitment funds. Advertising biggie Neil French said women didn't have the moxie to be creative directors and lost his job. That leaves opinion journalism as the single remaining field in which conventional wisdom says women just can't cut the mustard -- and women believe it.
12. Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot initiatives went down in flames,
. . . along with a parental-notification abortion referendum he supported. With his failure to commute the death sentence of Stanley "Tookie" Williams, they don't even like him in Austria anymore.
13. The Women's Review of Books is starting up again,
. . . with work by Dorothy Allison, Linda Gordon, Alicia Ostriker and other wonderful writers -- this time, subscribe! And while you're at it, treat yourself to a copy of The Solitude of Self, Vivian Gornick's deep and moving meditation on Elizabeth Cady Stanton, which reveals Stanton as a heroine for our times.
14. Hardly anyone believes that global warming isn't happening.
The bad news: It's happening. But we'll talk about that next year.
--Katha Pollitt, 2005 Wasn't All Bad, The Nation, 03 Jan 2006
[Copyright Katha Pollitt 2005 and reproduced here without permission.]
...of the emergency friendship system.......
A Friend......
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "Hi."
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for
who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
1. They like to hold you in their laps.
2. They don't get mad when you don't eat your vegetables.
3. They boost your confidence.
4. They like kids, and dogs, and cats.
5. They always have ice cream in their refrigerator.
6. They really know how to tuck you in at night.
7. They can take their teeth out.
8. They're not in such a hurry.
9. They listen to funny music.
10. They have the nicest smelling house.
11. They always buy what you're selling.
12. They don't mind when you make noise.
13. They help with homework.... They don't always know the answers but they try.
14. They snore when they take naps.
15. They never say "Hurry Up".
16. They give good presents for your birthday.
17. They are the only grown-ups who have the time.
18. They know where to buy the best candy.
19. They like to go to the park -- they don't go on the monkey bars though.
20. They think you're the cutest, smartest kid on earth.
21. They give you money and never say it has to be saved.
22. They like it when you sleep at their house.
23. They understand you when you cry.
24. They take you places in their RV.
25. They know all kids of fascinating stories.
26. They know how to explain things to Mom and Dad.
27. They show your picture to everyone.
28. They listen to what you say.
29. They never put you on hold when they get a call-waiting signal.
30. They have some weird old toys.
31. They don't skip parts of a story or mind if it is the same story over again.
32. They say they knew Mom and Dad when they were kids.
33. They eat prunes.
--Jacinda Craddock
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
2: No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
3: If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4: Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5: You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6: Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7: Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8: Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
9: Never hold a DustBuster and a cat at the same time.
10: School lunches stick to the wall.
11: You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12: Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13: The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10
Home is where the house is.
--Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15
I do believe in living each day like it was my last. That's why I never have any clean clothes, for honestly, who bothers to do laundry on your last day?
--Danish school kid
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
1: It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2: If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
3: The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.
4: Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
5: Never make fried chicken in the nude. --Rose Nielund, Golden Girls
6: Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
7: You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. --Joan Rivers
8: If guys were suppose to hang up clothes, door knobs would be bigger.
9: My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11: Simplify . . . hire a maid.
12: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
--Erma Bombeck
13: I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
--Roseanne Barr
14: I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor
15: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
16: When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
17: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
18: Instead of repainting, simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it... "
19: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere . . . I think I'll take a break and check my E-mail!"
20: When my grandmother was having a bad day or feeling really depressed, she used to clean her oven. Her thinking was, it was the worst job in the world, and she was already feeling bad, so she might as well get the oven cleaning done so that it wasn't waiting to ruin a perfectly good day. She felt quite free to feel morose and self pitying or even tearful in the midst of overn-cleaning, and at the end of it the job she hated the most was done, which always made her feel a little better.
--Laurie Campbell, 30 Aug 2003
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it?).
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bio-hazard symbols.
Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
Your family prays AFTER they eat!
On Fresh Brand Straws: Let's try homeparty fashionably and have a joyful chat with nice fellow. Fujinami's straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly.
Warning on a toy box: A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously.
On Koeda brand chocolate covered pretzels: The sentimental taste is cozy for the heroines in the town.
On a fondue set: When all family members are seated around the table, dishes are all the more tasteful. If dishes are nice, the square ceiling becomes round.
Advertisement for a restaurant: No one really goes to Aqua Bar for the drinks, but we make sure our drinks won't kill you.
On a paper coffee cup:
The Art of Hot.
Side by side,
I'll be yours forever.
Because please don't weep.
Sign for Cafe' Miami: We established a fine coffee. What everybody can say TASTY! It's fresh, so-mild. with some special coffee's bitter and sourtaste. "LET'S HAVE SUCH A COFFEE! NOW!" is our selling copy. Please love Cafe' Miami.
On a coat label: Have a good time! Refreshed and foppish sense and comfortable and fresh styles will catch you who belong to city-groups. All the way.
On a package of prawn-flavored crackers: Once you have opened the packing it will be entirely impossible for you to suppress the desire to overcome such exciting challenge of your tongue. However, don't be disappointed with your repeated failure, you may continue with your habit.
In a Honda repair manual: No touching earth wire, fatal eventuarity may incur.
On a toothbrush box: Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!
On a package of bath salts: Humanity are fighting against tired. Charley support you.
On a washing machine: Push button. Foam coming plenty. Big Noise. Finish.
On the front of a datebook: Have a smell of panda droppings. This one is very fragrant.
On children's play microphone: Mom ma! Pap Pap! I and Lady Employees to play with it together!
On a photo developing envelope: Takes the thirst out of everyday time. A pure whiff of oxygen, painting over a monochrome world in primary colors. We all know that. It's why everyone loves fruit.
(see ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON SOME CONSUMER PRODUCTS)
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait! -- where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby, and Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
22. Also, please refrain from caressing your popcorn and saying, "My preciousssss".
2: It is almost certainly futile to pretend that the child is not yours.
3: Do not borrow someone else's pot to cook their goose.
4: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
6: It's okay to laugh in the men's room. Just don't point!
7: If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
--Catherine Aird
8: Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
Ye highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl Amurray,
And Lady Mondegreen
The correct lines are:
They hae slain the Earl Amurray,
And laid him on the green.
Some examples of Mondegreens are:
(from The Pledge Of
Allegiance):
I pledge a legion to the flag . . .
I led the pigeons to the flag . . .
. . . and to the republic for RICHARD STANS
. . . one nation, under guard
. . . one nation in a dirigible
. . . one nation and a vegetable
(from The Star Spangled Banner):
The Stars Bangled Banger
Jose, can you see . . .
. . . The Donzerly light
. . . oh the ramrods we washed
. . . grapefruit through the night (that our flag was still there.)
(from the 23rd Psalm[The Lord Is My Shephard]):
Shirley, good Mrs. Murphy, shall follow me all the days of my life.
(from God Bless America:)
God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!
(from Hail Mary:)
Hail Mary, full of grapes
(from The Lord's Prayer):
Our Father, who art in New Haven, how do you know my name?
Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name
Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses
Give us this day our jelly bread
Give us this day our deli bread!
Lead a snot into temptation
Yeild Not to Penn Station.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers; and with sonorous dignity he intoned his version of what he
thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."
--Unknown
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
--contributed by Karen Rhodes
Allison Stevenson of St. Catharines, Ont., recalled hearing her little neighbour singing the second line of the Canadian national anthem "Our home and native land" as what he thought was "Our old man ate his lamb."
(from a random sampling:)
|
Original
A patchy fog (a weather report) All of the other reindeer, Alzheimer's disease Big ol' jet airliner cystic fibrosis Double, double toil and trouble Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
For I come from Alabama Gladly, the consecrated cross I bear. Guy Lombardo Little Red Corvette. I went from Phoenix, Arizona He cares for you. I will follow and rejoice Notary Public O Tannebaum Oh Canada, our home and native land On your mark--get set--go! Satanic Verses To all intents and purposes The Brahms lullaby The girl with kaleidoscope eyes The girl with the strawberry hair The Londonderry Air (Danny Boy) The Pulitzer Prize There's a bad moon on the rise There is a balm in Gilead. Revved up like a deuce
We shall come rejoicing, While shepherds watched Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him, all
creatures here below. Ground control to Major Tom
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky
I got chills, they're multiplying
It's a heartache
Sweet dreams are made of this
| Mondegreen
Apache fog Olive, the other reindeer old-timer's disease Bingo Jed had a light on 65 roses Double, double, toilet trouble I'm Inclined to Knock Music. Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear. Guylum Bardo Little Red Corps vet. I went from Phoenix, Arizona He carrots for you. I will follow Henry Joyce Notar Republic Oh, atom bomb Oh Canada, our wholey naked land
Oh, for having sex On your market--set--go! Satanic Nurses To all intensive purposes The bronze lullaby The girl with colitis goes by The girl with the straw derriere The London Derriere The Pullet Surprize There's a bathroom on the right There is a Bomb in Gilead. Wrapped up like a douche While shepherds washed Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all
creatures, HERE WE GO |
Plus a few I can't place:
(see LAW OF HOBSON-JOBSON, Appendix 07; return to entry in main volume of text)
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like http://www.home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
--Kelly, age 6
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
--James, age 6
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
--Wayne, age 7
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
--Kylie age 6
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
--Millie, age 6
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
--William, age 7
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
--Helen, age 6
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
--Amy, age 6
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
--Christopher, age 7
My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.
--Laura, age 5
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun.
--Lauren, age 7
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
--Becky, age 8
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
--Julie, age 7
1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares', and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream: 'NO! It's those voices again'. !
And last but not least...
15. Go into a fitting room and yell really loudly "We're out of toilet paper in here!"
10. You just paid $5 for a bottle of water because the label says it's low carb.
9. You make your wife wear low-cal lipstick.
8. You spend more time calculating carbs, calories, and fat for one meal than you did preparing your income tax return.
7. Your only jewelry? Your "WWRSD" (What Would Richard Simmons Deal?) bracelet.
6. You walked past a bakery... and punished yourself with four hours on the StairMaster just for looking in the window.
5. You buy the "Young Elvis" stamps instead of the "Old Elvis" stamps because they have less fat.
4. You look for the carb count on your bottle of shampoo.
3. You can't remember your anniversary, phone number, or PIN, but you know the exact carb count of everything in your house, including the cat.
2. You've begun hearing voices in your head and they all sound like Al Roker and Richard Simmons.
And the #1 Sign Dieting Has Taken Over Your Life:
1. You stop drinking them for a day and you actually start getting the "Slim Fast Shakes."
| Sign over a Gynecologist's Office | Dr. Jones, at your cervix | |
| In a Podiatrist's office | Time wounds all heels | |
| On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon | Yesterday's Meals on Wheels | |
| On another Septic Tank Truck | We're #1 in the #2 business | |
| At a Proctologist's door | To expedite your visit please back in | |
| On a Plumber's truck | We repair what your husband fixed | |
| On another Plumber's truck | Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber | |
| On a Church's Billboard | 7 days without God makes one weak | |
| At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee | Invite us to your next blowout | |
| On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door | Hello. Can we pick your nose? | |
| At a Towing company | We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows | |
| On an Electrician's truck | Let us remove your shorts | |
| In a Nonsmoking Area | If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action | |
| On a Maternity Room door | Push. Push. Push | |
| At an Optometrist's Office | If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place | |
| On a Taxidermist's window | We really know our stuff | |
| On a Fence | Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive! | |
| At a Car Dealership | The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment | |
| Outside a Muffler Shop | No appointment necessary We hear you coming | |
| In a Veterinarian's waiting room | Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! | |
| At the Electric Company | We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be | |
| In a Restaurant window | Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up | |
| In the front yard of a Funeral Home | Drive carefully. We'll wait | |
| At a Propane Filling Station | Thank heaven for little grills | |
| And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop | Best place in town to take a leak |
1) Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to make them come out your mouth
2) Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill
3) Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
4) When someone says, "Have a nice day!" say, "How dare you tell me what sort of day to have!"
5) Make a list of things you've already done and cross them off one at a time during the day.
6) Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in them, then return them.
7) Drive in reverse.
8) Drive on the other side of the road.
9) Read the dictionary backwards and find a subliminal message.
10) Start a rumour and see if you recognise it when it gets back to you.
11) Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room.
12) Buy a big box of condoms, make sure everyone in the lineup knows what you have, then ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
13) Paint your teeth in different garish colours and scowl until some nimno orders you to, "Smile!" then grin right in his/her face with your eyes crossed and all your teeth showing.
14) Drink your soup through a straw in a restaurant
15) Eat dessert first and promise yourself the spinach *only* if all the chocolate is eaten first, then leave a teeney bit of chocolate on the side of the plate
16) Swap the dogs in your neighbours yards while they're at work
17) Yell, "Theatre!!" at a fire
18) Paint your grass pink
19) Carry a rake over your shoulder and don't explain it to anyone. If someone asks, say, "What rake?"
20) Put your front door on backwards
21) Paint bars on your windows with a non-specific, "Beware!" sign on the door
22) Swap house numbers with someone
23) Practise archery on your front lawn, then walk around with a quiver on your back and a bow over your shoulder. If someone asks, tell them the rake was too hard to aim
--attrib Laurie Campbell
(Return to STRESS, main volume)
1. For the times we've shared and memories we've made..
2. For being someone I can trust.
3. For accepting me as I am.
4. For forgiving me mistakes I've made.
5. For taking the time to listen even when you don't understand or agree
6. For being there when I need you and
7. For letting me be there when you need someone.
8. For sharing hopes dreams and feelings.
9. For actions that speak louder than words.
10. For realizing that I am a work in progress.
11. For knowing when to speak and when not to...
12. For being one of life's beautiful gifts!
8. In a pinch, glue is an acceptable condiment.
7. Absolutely everything tastes better with chocolate syrup or ketchup on it.
[Reid's addendum: Or Peanut Butter]
6. Most blue food you find in the fridge will make the puppy sick.
5. Mom's M&M cookies are worth two sandwiches and a dead frog.
4. Dr. Pepper supplies the best on-demand burps.
3. Most foods can be used as finger paints when necessary.
2. Your dog, your cat, and your one-year-old brother all look the same eating peanut butter.
And the #1 Thing Every Kindergartner Knows About Food:
1. Happy Meal french fries last longer than the Happy Meal toys. But the toys taste better.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't like dogs.
6. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
7. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
10. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
11. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it.
12. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
13. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
14. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
15. Living we ll really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
16. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
17. Work is good but it's not that important.
18. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when you back up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophecy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute entire streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait -- I messed it up." Then repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends that you can't attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you're "not in the mood."
And the final way to annoy people:
34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
8. Order in. A lot. You can learn to cook later.
7. Flavored massage oils are not recommended for seasoning new skillets.
6. No matter how romantic the idea may seem at first, frying bacon for breakfast in the nude is guaranteed to result in a trip to the emergency room for one of you.
5. Microwaves + silverware = BAD IDEA.
4. No matter how many crock pots you got as wedding gifts, you only need one to make a meal.
3. Freezer burn is not nearly as fun, nor as healthy, as rug burn.
2. Even if it says "Homestyle" on the can, it won't fool your mother-in-law.
1. Even if it is your refrigerator too, your sneakers and your bait are going to have to find a new home.
8. If you receive a kernel.dll error, place affected kernel in corn oil and cook until all popping sounds have stopped.
7. Toss chips with spaghetti-wires, saute until logic fails.
6. Show the computer canned SPAM. Explain this is what happened to a pig with a glitch. The computer should straighten right up.
5. Some problems are a result of the computer overheating. Keep a few frosted memory chips and cards in the freezer for those warm days.
4. Stuff in the oven and bake at 450 degree for 30 minutes. For higher altitudes, reduce free memory by 500 MB and allow ten extra minutes.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place computer on a Silpat-lined jelly roll pan. Bake about 20 minutes, or until the DVD-ROM drawer pops open and the computer waves a tiny little white hot pad, indicating it's now willing to comply. Remove from the oven, being careful not to burn yourself on the molten plastic. Cool to room temperature. Call customer support for shipping instructions.
2. Crack open case with one sharp blow and flip the memory from one half to the other, allowing the RAM to fall into your mixing bowl while keeping the ROM in the shell.
And the #1 Kitchen Fix for Computer Glitches...
1. Cook at 11111010 degrees for 101101 minutes, or until golden brown.
8. That's where you always find your Mummy.
7. The Pillsbury Doughboy has pins stuck in his head and you've got a migraine.
6. Your pea soup keeps throwing up Linda Blair.
5. Eerily, the contents of your Thermos are either steaming hot or frosty cold.
4. One morning you find your Ginsu knives arranged into a pentagram on your ceiling.
3. Stands to reason; after all, everything in your pantry has long since passed its expiration date.
2. You open a heavy door... you see an eerie light... you feel a rush of cold air....
And the #1 Sign Your Kitchen is Haunted...
1. When you lift the Parkay lid, it moans "Rettub... Rettub..."
2: The problem is not welfare mothers, the urban" areas, food stamps, or the NEA. The prolem is me.
3:I believe that by recognizing my addiction to government money, I am making a big step toward getting government off my back.
4: I am ready to make a searching and fearless inventory of all the federal money and services I am presently using.
5: Only by immediately ceasing the use of all federal funds and services can I hope to break myself of these cravings.
6: I will no longer accept federal pensions, jobs paid for with federal moneys, federal housing loans, federal anything.
7: I will no longer drive on federal roads, accept federal delivery of mail, or picnic with my family in federally funded parks.
8: I trust in God to give me the ability to stop the federal spending I can, accpet the federal spending I can't, and help me to know the difference.
9: I have made a list of all person that I've harmed from excessive use of federal funds and services--including my sons and daughters, who will never get a decent Social Security check--and have asked them for fogiveness.
10: I will continue to use vigilance to ensure that not so much as single federally funded toothpick enters my mouth.
11: Since U.S. currency is also paid for with federal funds, I will now give up all that I possess to this fine organization.
12:Having made my own spiritual awakening, I will now carry this message to toher federal money addicts here in Cobb County, [Georgia], including Lockheed employees, Coast Guard officers, and congressional representatives. Amen.
--Michael Moore, from a TV Nation segment and reprinted in Adventures in a TV Nation, pg 171
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. No, my powers can only be used for good.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.....
18. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
19. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
20. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
21. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
| His obnoxious brother His dizzy aunt The brother who ate prunes The brother who worked at a convenience store The grandfather from Yugoslavia The brother who bleached his clothes white The cousin from Illinois His magician uncle His Mexican cousin The Mexican cousin's American half brother The nephew who drove a stage coach The constipated uncle The ballroom dancing aunt The bird lover uncle His nephew psychoanalyst The fruit loving cousin An aunt who taught positive thinking The little bouncy nephew A sister who loved disco His niece who travels the country in a van |
Please Gogh Verti Gogh Gotta Gogh Stopn Gogh U Gogh Hue Gogh Chica Gogh Wherediddy Gogh Amee Gogh Grin Gogh Wellsfar Gogh Cant Gogh Tan Gogh Flamin Gogh E Gogh Man Gogh Wayto Gogh Poe Gogh Go Gogh Winnie Bay Gogh |
You live in Arizona when...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
4. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.
5. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
6. You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.
7. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
10. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
11. You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
12. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
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