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372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road-side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys
372.10 Bag Limits Per Day:
Yellow Bellied sidewinders: 2
Two-faced Tortfeasors: 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
Horn Rimmed cut-throats: 2
Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)
From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas.
"Giyup, Bessie! Hiyup Bart! Com'on Belle!"
Bob listened as the farmer called off several different names and the mule plodded along. Finally, he couldn't stand it, and yelled to the old farmer.
"Hey, Mister! Why are you calling that one mule by so many different names?"
The old farmer smiled at him. "If she thinks there are other mules with her, she don't mind doing the work, but if she thinks she's alone, she won't do nothing!"
Bob got a laugh out of that, and continued on his way. On the drive back to the city, he thought a bit more about it, and when he got back to his office, he created the committee.
I am the Very Model of a Modern Teenage Cyberpunk
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
I rent my own apartment, and it's full of electronic junk.
I own a VAX, 486, I've even got a PDP.
I've finished Myst and Doom, but I am stumped by Wing Commander III.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters pornographical.
I have a list of image
sites, both overseas and national.
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith,
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF.
I'm totally an anarchist. The government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who"d give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo, and Mitnick.
I hack into
computers, and I then perform a credit check.
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker thievery,
and even though I'm spouting crap, they listen and believe in me.
I've learned to spot a troll, and I've seen flames about the way I spell.
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL.
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all suck!"
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck.
I've hung
around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats.
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats.
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at.
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat.
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant "bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just
another short lived kook without a clue.
When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand,
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland.
My life outside the Internet is very, very sad you see.
I cannot get my spots to fade. My social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your
electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC). Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments, submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
Go placidly amid the noise & waste. Remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss & when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do.
Whenever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment and despite the changing of fortunes of time, there is always a big fortune in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate.
Know yourself; if you need help, call the F.B.I.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those people closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the oceans of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore, it will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time call 606-4311, ask for Ken.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back, therefore make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be; hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises & urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
Give up!
Copyright National Lampoon, reprinted here without permission
| Balancing the books | 25 |
| Going over the edge | 25 |
| Tooting your own horn | 25 |
| Passing the buck | 25 |
| Hitting the nail on the head | 50 |
| Opening a can of worms | 50 |
| Swallowing your pride | 50 |
| Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight) | 50- 300 |
| Beating around the bush | 75 |
| Bending over backwards | 75 |
| Pulling out all the stops | 75 |
| Starting the ball rolling | 90 |
| Jumping to conclusions | 100 |
| Dragging your heels | 100 |
| Climbing the walls | 150 |
| Adding fuel to the fire | 160 |
| Jumping on the bandwagon | 200 |
| Eating crow | 225 |
| Pushing your luck | 250 |
| Putting your foot in your mouth | 300 |
| Wading through paperwork | 300 |
| Picking up the pieces | 350 |
| Running around in circles | 350 |
| Making mountains out of molehills | 500 |
| Climbing the ladder of success | 750 |
| Wrapping it up at the day's end | 12 |
From: rrd@fc.hp.com (Ray Depew) Date: 24 Jul 1995 15:16:20 GMT
Because he asked, I will pass on this not-very-urban legend:
Once, there was an Indian princess named Laughing Water. She was a beeyootiful maiden, with raven hair and eyes like shimmering pools of triteness. All the young braves in the village wanted to marry her, and because they were so busy jockeying for position to ask for her hand, they weren't getting anything else done.
This situation distressed the chief, so he called a big council of all the eligible young braves, and told them: "We will have a big competition. All of you must go out and hunt something. The hunter who brings me the greatest trophy from the hunt will have my daughter's hand in marriage."
So all the braves scattered, and went out hunting. They came back with dozens of rabbit skins, buffalo robes, wolf skins, beaver skins, and raccoon skins. The chief was pretty impressed, but there were still three braves out there somewhere, and he was hoping for something better.
Finally, a brave named Shoots The Bear came back, bearing the tanned hide of the biggest elk anyone had ever seen, and a huge rack of elk antlers, which he mounted above the entrance to the chief's house/tent /whatever. The other braves ooh'ed and ahh'ed, and acknowledged that his trophy was the best one yet. To top it off, the brave presented the chief with a hundred pounds of smoked elk meat.
The chief announced that, unless someone could better Shoots The Bear's feat, the brave would wed the princess in a week. Well, in less than three days, another brave named Shoots The Bull came back, with a tanned grizzly bear skin, big enough for the chief and all his wives to party on. He presented the princess with a bear claw necklace, and the chief's wives with the head of the bear, a skull so huge that -- well, it was pretty big. And to top it all off, he presented the chief with two hundred pounds of smoked bear meat, bear jerky and bear pemmican.
Shoots The Bear acknowledged that Shoots The Bull had brought back a greater trophy than his puny elk. The chief announced that, unless the third brave could better Shoots The Bull's feat, the brave would wed the princess in a week.
The third brave was named Falling Rock. Now, Falling Rock and princess Laughing Water had had the hots for each other for a long time, and they had secretly planned to be married. When a week passed and Falling Rock had not returned from the hunt, the distraught princess begged for her father to extend the hunt for another week. He refused, having given his word of honor to Shoots The Bull, and so the wedding date was set.
Fortunately, Shoots The Bull was also a man of honor, when he heard of princess Laughing Water's love for Falling Rock, he agreed to postpone the wedding until the brave should return. Moreover, he agreed to help the princess find her sweetheart. So they traveled all over North America, asking other Indian tribes, pioneers and mountain men if they had seen any sign of the missing hunter. Nobody had seen him, but they all offered to keep an eye out for him. The weeks stretched into months, and then into years, and finally the princess gave up hope and married Shoots The Bull.
But she never gave up her search, and today you can see the signs of her devotion along the highways of western Canada and U.S.: the signs that ask you to "Watch Out For Falling Rock."
Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this loca tion, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan -- I am the legal owner and a couple of bea vers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way yo u could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of day activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition -- please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first.
As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy -- or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization -- the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten
Area: Writing
Date : Oct 16 '96
From : Barbara Haddad
To : All
Subj : CREDITS -- ECHO AUTHORS
......................................................................
As a peculiar addendum to this list - how many of the writers here have the fear/worry that something they wrote -- that WAS accepted by this or that market -- was the straw that killed the magazine?
In my case, I have sold the same story 4 times over the last 8 years and every one of the markets I sold the story to died before the story reached publication. (the 'killing time' seems to be about a year and a half after acceptance and the month before the story is due to hit print, in this case.)
Area: Writing
Date : Oct 18 '96
From : Bill Wren
To : Barbara Haddad
Subj : Credits -- Echo Authors
......................................................................
BH> In my case, I have sold the same story 4 times over the
BH>last 8 years
"The publishing world is still in shock following the demise of The Atlantic Monthly, The New Yorker, Story, The Paris Review and Granta. All five closed the doors within a week of each other following the ill-advised decisions to accepts works by Barbara Haddad, well-known publishing kiss of death. Readers and writers everywhere are anxious over rumours that publishing giant Random House has inked a deal to publish a collection of Ms. Haddad's works, despite repeated statements from spokespersons that it is not so. At present, stock value in Random House is plummeting...."
Area: Writing
Date : Oct 22 '96
From : Elvis Hargrove
To : Laurie Campbell
Subj : CREDITS -- ECHO AUTHORS
......................................................................
-> I think the person who holds the record for the most
-> magazines killed by submission is Elvis Hargrove, so it
-> likely should be named the Hargrove Syndrome.
I think Barbara Haddad and I are tied for that 'honor' but I think the 'cursed story' idea is a good one.
Hmmmm the Haddad/Hargrove Syndrome. Has a catchy ring to it.....
Area: Writing
Date : Oct 26 '96
From : Michael Nellis
To : Elvis Hargrove
Subj : CREDITS -- ECHO AUTHORS
......................................................................
-> Of course, it we were to name it the H/H Syndrome, people
-> would think the H's stood for all sorts of impolite things.
EH> How about Had/Har disfunction.....?
Hmmmm. It isn't necessarily a dysfunction, though. It could be that the work was so brilliantly executed that the editors realized publication of the pieces would destroy the entire market because nothing else would ever come close again, and they also realized that they would never be able to live with themselves if they rejected them, so they opted for the only solution: buy the piece for publication but then close down the mag.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Afterhis death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were both murdered before they could be tried.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Lincoln was shot in a theater then the assassin ran to a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse then the assassin ran to a theater.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 199 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 199-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Original From: DUNHAM_JERRY@devnull.mpd.tandem.com
(The male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom)
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's restroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the restroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it doesn't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her. . .look, it won't bend. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying-superman position lying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision, but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
One of the SOPs (Standard Operating Proceedures), for the handling of any military vehicle, is the use of a ground guide when operating in reverse gear. If you were backing up, it was an absolute requirement that your co-driver, or anyone else who may be handy at the time, guide you with hand signals, while you watched him. Him. Not your sideview mirrors, but the ground guide. Even so, should you be so unfort unate as to strike an obstacle in such a fashion as to require repairs, even just body work, it was the driver's fault. Such an occurance always resulted in the suspension of the driver's 404 while the investigation into the incident ran its course.
Finding ourselves in Wainwright, yet again, for another major exercise, we put up with it as best we could, and in due course, the exercise came to an end. We struck camp, we being Ambulance Platoon -- the vehicles called field ambulances and the drivers -- and mustered outside One Field Amb's Quonset Hut on base in anticipation of returning to CFB Calgary.
We also had to clean up the vehicles, clear out our gear, and inventory the equipment that belonged in each vehicle in preparation of "signing over" the vehicles to a new driver. I have no idea why they decided to shuffle us around like that.
At any rate, I was in the back of my ambulance, duly counting and recording equipement, when I suddenly felt a shock of impact.
I'D BEEN HIT!
I calmly decided to finish marking the control sheet before going out to investigate. So, I wrote down the quantity of whatever it was, and then I felt another impact.
"HEY!!" I screamed. "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING!!", no longer my usual calm and cool self. Once was too much, but twice? This was ridiculous.
I jumped out of the back of the amb and stormed around the driver's side, from whence the impacts had come. There was another field amb, its bumper parked in my driver's door, the idiot behind the wheel hanging his head in his hands as he realized that he had to first put the gear selector in a forward gear before moving away from my amb. (A nice enough guy whose only fault was to be too religious, like Major Burns in M*A*S*H, the movie.)
"What the hell are doing?"
"I forgot to take it out of reverse."
"Well get that thing the hell away from my ambulance!"
Which he did. When he finished moving his vehicle, a Master Corporal came up to him. "Where the hell is your ground guide?"
"God was my ground guide, Master Corporal."
To which the Master Corporal snarled, "Well, God ain't got his 404!"
The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims,
"Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, it is found that C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, and the sopranout in the bathroom, everything has become altoo much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
"It is indeed a mighty city," he replied. "We know not how long it has existed, and our ancestors were on this subject as ignorant as ourselves."
Five centuries afterwards, as I passed by the same place, I could not percieve the slightest vestige of the city. I demanded of a peasant, who was gathering herbs upon its former site, how long it had been [since the city was] destroyed.
"A strange question!" he replied. "The ground here has never been different from what you now behold."
"Was there not once a splendid city here?" I asked.
"Never," he replied, "so far as we have seen, and never did our fathers speak to us of any such city."
On my return there five hundred years afterwards, I found the sea in the same place. On its shores was a party of fishermen. I enquired how long the land had been covered by the waters.
"Is this a question for a man like you?" they said. "This spot has always been what it is now."
Again I returned, five hundred years afterwards, and the sea had disappeared. In inquired of a man who stood alone upon the spot how long ago this change had taken place, and he gave me the same answer as I had received before.
Finally, on coming back again after an equal lapse of time, I found there a flourishing city, more populous and more
rich in beautiful buildings than the city I had seen the first time, and when I would have informed myself concerning its origin, the inhabitants answered me, "Its rise is lost in remote antiquity: We are ignorant how long it has existed, and our fathers were on this subject as ignorant as we."
--Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn 'Abd al-Ghaffar, al-Kazwini al-Ghifari, Islamic historian
So . . . here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and all my statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause . . . TAG!
You're it!
(Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the simple things of life.)
I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"
"They started counting, but never even got past ten."
"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
It refered to the action of struggling up out of sleep in a chilly, humid, canvas shelter and hacking the phlegm out of your chest and working out the aches until you felt human.
This expression was so pervasive and well understood that I once used in a medical examination. (I was a pecker checker, a field medic, as opposed to being a bed pan commando, or a hospital medic.) I was doing sick parade and one fellow who had wandered in was sitting up on the stretcher while I questioned him.
"How long does it take you to clear your chest in the morning?"
"Huh?"
"How long does it take you to cough up the phlegm from your lungs?"
"Huh?"
"How long does it take you to kick start yourself in the morning?"
"Oh. Not long."
That last question brought a howl of outrage from my superiour, a sergeant medic, who had not heard my previous two questions and rounded on me for asking non-medical questions.
--Michael Nellis
Reason why you should "Putt knot yore faith inn spill checquers":
An Owed to the Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plain lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is
a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
Wee wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know
faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
--Written by Jerrold H
Zar
Copied from Spell/Binder Sept/Oct 1992. Editors note: Jerry Tzar (oops!), a member of Spell, is dean of the Graduate School of Northern Illinois University. He composed the above as an extension of a two-verse poem by Mark Eckman, of AT&T in Morristown, NJ. Lines 1, 2 & 8 are identical in both poems. By Mr. Zar's count, 123 of the 225 words are incorrect, yet none is misspelled. [Reprinted here without permission. --MN]
Day 1
Dear Emil,
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emil,
Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emil,
Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partner for her fighting rooster.
Day 4
Dear Emil,
Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to Lafayette. I used they neck for my crab trap, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emil,
You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden ring, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6
Dear Emil,
Couchon! Back to da bird, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they egg and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose wit' erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
Day 7
Dear Emil,
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, he ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8
Dear Emil,
Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trip on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & dere cow. One of dem cow got spooked by da alligator and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maid, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack -- but dey say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9
Dear Emil,
What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twit you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emil, what I'm gonna feed all these bozo? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emil,
You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boy. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my outhouse. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you
tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emil,
Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrive today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking
package in da mail, don't open it.
Day 12
Dear Emil,
Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacques, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make 20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boat. Since da' maid have no more cow to milk, I trained dem to set my crab trap, watch my trotline, and run my shrimping business. We'll
probably gross a million dollars next year.
The Farside comes to life in Oregon
I am absolutely not making this incident up, in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton, dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for gett ing rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon a plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yay!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here comes pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
--Tom Mahoney
Return
to WHALE DISPOSAL, main volume)
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will, but that's okay."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally, he put in a call to God. When God got back to him, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God answered, "When I made woman, I decided that she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet her arms gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times will come, even from her own children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when ever yone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue, without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her badly. She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears.
I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults, and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed. It is hers to use whenever needed and is her only weakness. When you see her cry, tell her how much you love her and all she does for everyone. And even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good. She is special!
2900 B.C.E.: Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.E.: Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.E.: The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.E.: Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
1776 B.C.E.: The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.E.: The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six: footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do.
410 B.C.E.: Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C.E.: The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.E.: Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.E.: Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
79 A.D.: Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432: St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1000: Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043: Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125: Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
[MCXII --MN]
1233: The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so unChristian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297: The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433: Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456: An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492: Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497: Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to come to the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself.. ...the United States of Vespuccia.
1508: Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513: Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522: Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568: Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607: The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618: Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642: Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670: The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755: Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1758: New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763: The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
1770: The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday night.
1773: Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
1776: Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779: John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
1793: "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799: Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805: Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807: Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1815: Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840: William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850: Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
1859: Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1865: Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894: Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
1903: The opening of the Trans: Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910: The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911: Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912: People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920: The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop.
1924: Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.
1928: Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
1930: Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog was discovered a lot earlier.
1933: German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
1933: Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
1934: John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934: As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938: Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
1944: Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
1945 - 1999: Very boring . . . US invades Grenada, Panama, Iraq, Kosovo, . . . Microsoft, Monica, Diet Coke, Hula Hoop, International House of Pancakes, Moonies. Moon Landing, Moon Pies, War on Drugs and Sex, Nixon, Carter, Johnson, Gerald Somebody, Clinton, Disney World, Y2K,
then year 2000: the world ends, or The Force will save the whales.
May not be reproduced commercially without permission. May be posted electronically provided that it is reproduced unaltered and in its entirety, and made available without charge.
So you've had a close encounter with a UFO or its occupants. Or a serious interest in the subject of extramundane life. Or a passion for following clues that seem to point toward the existence of a greater reality. Mention any of these things to most working scientists and be prepared for anything from patronizing skepticism to merciless ridicule. After all, science is supposed to be a purely hardnosed enterprise with little patience for "expanded" notions of reality. Right?
Wrong.
Like all systems of truth seeking, science, properly conducted, has a profoundly expansive, spiritual impulse at its core. This "Zen" in the heart of science is revealed when the practitioner sets aside arbitrary beliefs and cultural preconceptions, and approaches the nature of things with "beginner's mind." When this is done, reality can speak freshly and freely, and can be heard more clearly. Appropriate testing and objective validation can -- indeed, must -- come later.
Seeing with humility, curiosity and fresh eyes was once the main point of science. But today it is often a different story. As the scientific enterprise has been bent toward exploitation, institutionalization, hyperspecialization and new orthodoxy, it has increasingly preoccupied itself with disconnected facts in a spiritual, psychological, social and ecological vacuum. Virtually gone from the scene is the philosopher scientist, to whom meaning and context were once the very fabric of a multi-level universe. Today's mainstream science tends, instead, to deny or disregard entire domains of reality, and satisfies itself with reducing all of life and consciousness to a dead physics.
As we approach the end of the millennium, science seems in many ways to be treading the weary path of the religions it presumed to replace. Where free, dispassionate inquiry once reigned, emotions now run high in the defense of a fundamentalized "scientific truth." As anomalies mount up beneath a sea of denial, defenders of the Faith and the Kingdom cling with increasing self-righteousness to the hull of a sinking paradigm. Faced with provocative evidence of things undreamt of in their materialist philosophy, many otherwise mature scientists revert to a kind of skeptical infantilism characterized by blind faith in the absoluteness of the familiar. Small wonder that, after more than half a century, the UFO remains shrouded in superstition, ignorance, denial, disinformation, taboo . . . and debunkery.
What is "debunkery?" As intended here, it is the attempt to debunk (invalidate) new information and insight by substituting scientistic propaganda for scientific method.
To throw this kind of pseudoscientific behavior into bold -- if somewhat comic -- relief, I have assembled below a useful "how-to" guide for aspiring debunkers, with a special section devoted to debunking the UFO -- perhaps the most aggressively debunked subject in the whole of modern history. As will be obvious to the reader, I have carried a few of these debunking strategies over the threshold of absurdity for the sake of making a point. As for the rest, their inherently fallacious reasoning, twisted logic and sheer goofiness will sound frustratingly familiar to those who have dared explore beneath the ocean of denial and attempted in good faith to report back about what they found there.
So without further ado . . .
Before commencing to debunk, prepare your equipment.
Equipment needed: one armchair.
Put on the right face. Cultivate a condescending air that suggests that your personal opinions are backed by the full faith and credit of God. Employ vague, subjective, dismissive terms such as "ridiculous" or "trivial" in a manner that suggests they have the full force of scientific authority.
Portray science not as an open-ended process of discovery but as a holy war against unruly hordes of quackery-worshipping infidels. Since in war the ends justify the means, you may fudge, stretch or violate scientific method, or even omit it entirely, in the name of defending scientific method.
Keep your arguments as abstract and theoretical as possible. This will "send the message" that accepted theory overrides any actual evidence that might challenge it -- and that therefore no such evidence is worth examining.
Reinforce the popular misconception that certain subjects are inherently unscientific. In other words, deliberately confuse the process of science with the content of science. (Someone may, of course, object that science must be neutral to subject matter and that only the investigative process can be scientifically responsible or irresponsible. If that happens, dismiss such objections using a method employed successfully by generations of politicians: simply reassure everyone that "there is no contradiction here.")
Arrange to have your message echoed by persons of authority. The degree to which you can stretch the truth is directly proportional to the prestige of your mouthpiece.
Always refer to unorthodox statements as "claims," which are "touted," and to your own assertions as "facts," which are "stated."
Avoid examining the actual evidence. This allows you to say with impunity, "I have seen absolutely no evidence to support such ridiculous claims!" (Note that this technique has withstood the test of time, and dates back at least to the age of Galileo. By simply refusing to look through his telescope, the ecclesiastical authorities bought the Church over three centuries' worth of denial free and clear!)
If examining the evidence becomes unavoidable, report back that "there is nothing new here!" If confronted by a watertight body of evidence that has survived the most rigorous tests, simply dismiss it as being "too pat."
Equate the necessary skeptical component of science with all of science. Emphasize the narrow, stringent, rigorous and critical elements of science to the exclusion of intuition, inspiration, exploration and integration. If anyone objects, accuse them of viewing science in exclusively fuzzy, subjective or metaphysical terms.
Insist that the progress of science depends on explaining the unknown in terms of the known. In other words, science equals reductionism. You can apply the reductionist approach in any situation by discarding more and more and more evidence until what little is left can finally be explained entirely in terms of established knowledge.
Downplay the fact that free inquiry, legitimate disagreement and respectful debate are a normal part of science.
At every opportunity reinforce the notion that what is familiar is necessarily rational. The unfamiliar is therefore irrational, and consequently inadmissible as evidence.
State categorically that the unconventional arises exclusively from the "will to believe" and may be dismissed as, at best, an honest misinterpretation of the conventional.
Maintain that in investigations of unconventional phenomena, a single flaw invalidates the whole. In conventional contexts, however, you may sagely remind the world that, "after all, situations are complex and human beings are imperfect."
"Occam's Razor," or the "principle of parsimony," says the correct explanation of a mystery will usually involve the simplest fundamental principles. Insist, therefore, that the most familiar explanation is by definition the simplest! Imply strongly that Occam's Razor is not merely a philosophical rule of thumb but an immutable law.
Discourage any study of history that may reveal today's dogma as yesterday's heresy. Likewise, avoid discussing the many historical, philosophical and spiritual parallels between science and democracy.
Since the public tends to be unclear about the distinction between evidence and proof, do your best to help maintain this murkiness. If absolute proof is lacking, state categorically that there is no evidence.
If sufficient evidence has been presented to warrant further investigation of an unusual phenomenon, argue that "evidence alone proves nothing!" Ignore the fact that preliminary evidence is not supposed to prove anything.
In any case, imply that proof precedes evidence. This will eliminate the possibility of initiating any meaningful process of investigation -- particularly if no criteria of proof have yet been established for the phenomenon in question.
Insist that criteria of proof cannot possibly be established for phenomena that do not exist!
Although science is not supposed to tolerate vague or double standards, always insist that unconventional phenomena must be judged by a separate, yet ill-defined, set of scientific rules. Do this by declaring that "extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence" -- but take care never to define where the "ordinary" ends and the "extraordinary" begins. This will allow you to manufacture an infinitely receding evidential horizon, i.e., to define "extraordinary" evidence as that which lies just out of reach at any point in time.
Practice debunkery-by-association. Lump together all phenomena popularly deemed paranormal and suggest that their proponents and researchers speak with a single voice. In this way you can indiscriminately drag material across disciplinary lines or from one case to another to support your views as needed. For example, if a claim having some superficial similarity to the one at hand has been (or is popularly assumed to have been) exposed as fraudulent, cite it as if it were an appropriate example. Then put on a gloating smile, lean back in your armchair and just say "I rest my case."
Use the word "imagination" as an epithet that applies only to seeing what's not there, and not to denying what is there.
If a significant number of people agree that they have observed something that violates the consensus reality, simply ascribe it to "mass hallucination." Avoid addressing the possibility that the consensus reality, which is routinely observed by millions, might itself constitute a mass hallucination.
Ridicule, ridicule, ridicule. It is far and away the single most chillingly effective weapon in the war against discovery and innovation. Ridicule has the unique power to make people of virtually any persuasion go completely unconscious in a twinkling. It fails to sway only those few who are of sufficiently independent mind not to buy into the kind of emotional consensus that ridicule provides.
By appropriate innuendo and example, imply that ridicule constitutes an essential feature of scientific method that can raise the level of objectivity, integrity and dispassionateness with which any investigation is conducted.
Imply that investigators of the unorthodox are zealots. Suggest that in order to investigate the existence of something one must first believe in it absolutely. Then demand that all such "true believers" know all the answers to their most puzzling questions in complete detail ahead of time. Convince people of your own sincerity by reassuring them that you yourself would "love to believe in these fantastic phenomena." Carefully sidestep the fact that science is not about believing or disbelieving, but about finding out.
Use "smoke and mirrors," i.e., obfuscation and illusion. Never forget that a slippery mixture of fact, opinion, innuendo, out-of-context information and outright lies will fool most of the people most of the time. As little as one part fact to ten parts B.S. will usually do the trick. (Some veteran debunkers use homeopathic dilutions of fact with remarkable success!) Cultivate the art of slipping back and forth between fact and fiction so undetectably that the flimsiest foundation of truth will always appear to firmly support your entire edifice of opinion.
Employ "TCP": Technically Correct Pseudo-refutation. Example: if someone remarks that all great truths began as blasphemies, respond immediately that not all blasphemies have become great truths. Because your response was technically correct, no one will notice that it did not really refute the original remark.
Trivialize the case by trivializing the entire field in question. Characterize the study of orthodox phenomena as deep and time consuming, while deeming that of unorthodox phenomena so insubstantial as to demand nothing more than a scan of the tabloids. If pressed on this, simply say "but there's nothing there to study!" Characterize any serious investigator of the unorthodox as a "buff" or "freak," or as "self-styled"-the media's favorite code-word for "bogus."
Remember that most people do not have sufficient time or expertise for careful discrimination, and tend to accept or reject the whole of an unfamiliar situation. So discredit the whole story by attempting to discredit part of the story. Here's how: a) take one element of a case completely out of context; b) find something prosaic that hypothetically could explain it; c) declare that therefore that one element has been explained; d) call a press conference and announce to the world that the entire case has been explained!
Engage the services of a professional stage magician who can mimic the phenomenon in question; for example, ESP, psychokinesis or levitation. This will convince the public that the original claimants or witnesses to such phenomena must themselves have been (or been fooled by) talented stage magicians who hoaxed the original phenomenon in precisely the same way.
Find a prosaic phenomenon that resembles, no matter how superficially, the claimed phenomenon. Then suggest that the existence of the commonplace look-alike somehow forbids the existence of the genuine article. For example, imply that since people often see "faces" in rocks and clouds, the enigmatic Face on Mars must be a similar illusion and therefore cannot possibly be artificial.
When an unexplained phenomenon demonstrates evidence of intelligence (as in the case of the mysterious crop circles) focus exclusively on the mechanism that might have been wielded by the intelligence rather than the intelligence that might have wielded the mechanism. The more attention you devote to the mechanism, the more easily you can distract people from considering the possibility of nonphysical or nonterrestrial intelligence.
Accuse investigators of unusual phenomena of believing in "invisible forces and extrasensory realities." If they should point out that the physical sciences have always dealt with invisible forces and extrasensory realities (gravity? electromagnetism? . . . ) respond with a condescending chuckle that this is "a naive interpretation of the facts."
Insist that western science is completely objective, and is based on no untestable assumptions, covert beliefs or ideological interests. If an unfamiliar or inexplicable phenomenon happens to be considered true and/or useful by a nonwestern or other traditional society, you may therefore dismiss it out of hand as "ignorant misconception," "medieval superstition" or "fairy lore."
Label any poorly-understood phenomenon "occult," "paranormal," "metaphysical," "mystical" or "supernatural." This will get most mainstream scientists off the case immediately on purely emotional grounds. If you're lucky, this may delay any responsible investigation of such phenomena by decades or even centuries!
Ask questions that appear to contain generally-assumed knowledge that supports your views; for example, "why do no police officers, military pilots, air traffic controllers or psychiatrists report UFOs?" (If someone points out that they do, insist that those who do must be mentally unstable.)
Ask unanswerable questions based on arbitrary criteria of proof. For example, "if this claim were true, why haven't we seen it on TV?" or "in this or that scientific journal?" Never forget the mother of all such questions: "If UFOs are extraterrestrial, why haven't they landed on the White House lawn?"
Remember that you can easily appear to refute anyone's claims by building "straw men" to demolish. One way to do this is to misquote them while preserving that convincing grain of truth; for example, by acting as if they have intended the extreme of any position they've taken. Another effective strategy with a long history of success is simply to misreplicate their experiments -- or to avoid replicating them at all on grounds that to do so would be ridiculous or fruitless. To make the whole process even easier, respond not to their actual claims but to their claims as reported by the media, or as propagated in popular myth.
Insist that such-and-such unorthodox claim is not scientifically testable because no self-respecting grantmaking organization would fund such ridiculous tests.
Be selective. For example, if an unorthodox healing method has failed to reverse a case of terminal illness you may deem it worthless, while taking care to avoid mentioning any of the shortcomings of conventional medicine.
Hold claimants responsible for the production values and editorial policies of any media or press that reports their claim. If an unusual or inexplicable event is reported in a sensationalized manner, hold this as proof that the event itself must have been without substance or worth.
When a witness or claimant states something in a manner that is scientifically imperfect, treat this as if it were not scientific at all. If the claimant is not a credentialed scientist, argue that his or her perceptions cannot possibly be objective.
If you're unable to attack the facts of the case, attack the participants -- or the journalists who reported the case. Ad-hominem arguments, or personality attacks, are among the most powerful ways of swaying the public and avoiding the issue. For example, if investigators of the unorthodox have profited financially from activities connected with their research, accuse them of "profiting financially from activities connected with their research!" If their research, publishing, speaking tours and so forth, constitute their normal line of work or sole means of support, hold that fact as "conclusive proof that income is being realized from such activities!" If they have labored to achieve public recognition for their work, you may safely characterize them as "publicity seekers."
Fabricate supportive expertise as needed by quoting the opinions of those in fields popularly assumed to include the necessary knowledge. Astronomers, for example, may be trotted out as experts on the UFO question, although course credits in ufology have never been a prerequisite for a degree in astronomy.
Fabricate confessions. If a phenomenon stubbornly refuses to go away, set up a couple of colorful old geezers to claim they hoaxed it. The press and the public will always tend to view confessions as sincerely motivated, and will promptly abandon their critical faculties. After all, nobody wants to appear to lack compassion for self-confessed sinners.
Fabricate sources of disinformation. Claim that you've "found the person who started the rumor that such a phenomenon exists!"
Fabricate entire research projects. Declare that "these claims have been thoroughly discredited by the top experts in the field!" Do this whether or not such experts have ever actually studied the claims, or, for that matter, even exist.
Point out that an "unidentified" flying object is just that, and cannot be automatically assumed to be extraterrestrial. Do this whether or not anyone involved has assumed it to be extraterrestrial.
Equate nature's laws with our current understanding of nature's laws. Then label all concepts such as antigravity or interdimensional mobility as mere flights of fancy "because obviously they would violate nature's laws." Then if a UFO is reported to have hovered silently, made right-angle turns at supersonic speeds or appeared and disappeared instantly, you may summarily dismiss the report.
Declare that there is no proof that life can exist in outer space. Since most people still behave as if the Earth were the center of the universe, you may safely ignore the fact that Earth, which is already in outer space, has abundant life.
Point out that the government-sponsored SETI program assumes in advance that extraterrestrial intelligence can only exist light-years away from Earth. Equate this a-priori assumption with conclusive proof; then insist that this invalidates all terrestrial reports of ET contact.
When someone produces purported physical evidence of alien technology, point out that no analysis can prove that its origin was extraterrestrial; after all, it might be the product of some perfectly ordinary, ultra-secret underground government lab. The only exception would be evidence obtained from a landing on the White House lawn-the sole circumstance universally agreed upon by generations of skeptics as conclusively certifying extraterrestrial origin!
If photographs or other visual media depicting a UFO have been presented, argue that since images can now be digitally manipulated they prove nothing. Assert this regardless of the vintage of the material or the circumstances of its acquisition. Insist that the better the quality of a UFO photo, the greater the likelihood of fraud. Photos that have passed every known test may therefore be held to be the most perfectly fraudulent of all!
If you can't otherwise destroy the credibility of a UFO photo, plant a small model of the alleged craft near the photographer's home where it can be conveniently discovered and whisked off to the local media. The model need not resemble the original too closely; as long as the press says it's a dead ringer nobody will question the implication of fraud.
Argue that all reports of humanoid extraterrestrials must be bogus because the evolution of the humanoid form on Earth is the result of an infinite number of accidents in a genetically isolated environment. Avoid addressing the logical proposition that if interstellar visitations have occurred, Earth cannot be considered genetically isolated in the first place.
Argue that extraterrestrials would or wouldn't, should or shouldn't, can or can't behave in certain ways because such behavior would or wouldn't be logical. Base your notions of logic on how terrestrials would or wouldn't behave. Since terrestrials behave in all kinds of ways you can theorize whatever kind of behavior suits your arguments.
Stereotype contact claims according to simplistic scenarios already well established in the collective imagination. If a reported ET contact appears to have had no negative consequences, sarcastically accuse the claimant of believing devoutly that "benevolent ETs have come to magically save us from destroying ourselves!" If someone claims to have been traumatized by an alien contact, brush it aside as "a classic case of hysteria." If contactees stress the essential humanness and limitations of certain ETs they claim to have met, ask "why haven't these omnipotent beings offered to solve all our problems for us?"
Ask why alleged contactees and abductees haven't received alien infections. Reject as "preposterous" all medical evidence suggesting that such may in fact have occurred. Categorize as "pure science- fiction" the notion that alien understandings of immunology might be in advance of our own, or that sufficiently alien microorganisms might be limited in their ability to interact with our biological systems. Above all, dismiss anything that might result in an actual investigation of the matter.
Travel to China. Upon your return, report that "nobody there told me they had seen any UFOs." Insist that this proves that no UFOs are reported outside countries whose populations are overexposed to science fiction.
Where hypnotic regression has yielded consistent contactee testimony in widespread and completely independent cases, argue that hypnosis is probably unreliable, and is always worthless in the hands of non-credentialed practitioners. Be sure to add that the subjects must have been steeped in the UFO literature, and that, whatever their credentials, the hypnotists involved must have been asking leading questions.
If someone claims to have been emotionally impacted by a contact experience, point out that strong emotions can alter perceptions. Therefore, the claimant's recollections must be entirely untrustworthy. Maintain that there cannot possibly be a government UFO coverup, but that it exists for legitimate reasons of national security!
Accuse conspiracy theorists of being conspiracy theorists and of believing in conspiracies! Insist that only accidentalist theories can possibly account for repeated, organized patterns of suppression, denial and disinformational activity. Argue that since theoretically there can be no press censorship in the United States, there is no press censorship in the United States.
In the event of a worst-case scenario -- for example, one in which the UFO is suddenly acknowledged as a global mystery of millennial proportions -- just remember that the public has a short memory. Simply say dismissively, "Well, everyone knows this is a monumentally significant issue. As a matter of fact, my colleagues and I have been remarking on it for years!"
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