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APPENDIX 21: COOKBOOK

AEROSOL WHIPPED CREAM:

One evening nearly 50 years ago at a dinner for friends, I served an elaborate chocolate cake with chocolate whipped cream frosting. The next day my friend Nancy called to ask for the recipe as her husband Buck had raved about the cake. About two hours after I had given her the recipe Nancy called back to say that she did not have whipping cream, but asked if the Ready Whip in the aerosol can would work. I said no, it was not stable enough to maintain its integrity - but knew that Nancy (who had so much vitality that she made the Energizer Bunny seem lethargic) probably was not paying any attention to me. Fifteen minutes later Nancy was on the phone, crying and saying, "Help, help, come quick!" I grabbed my two infant sons and ran the block to her house envisioning all sorts of catastrophes involving her and her baby boy. I entered to find the kitchen covered in whipped cream! The cream was not coming out of the can fast enough, so Nancy had opened it with the can opener. Don't try this at home.
--Norma, the Chef's Mom; http://worldwiderecipes.com/

APPLE PIE:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the windowsill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the windowsill to thaw.

ARMADILLO:

... The shells make a mess once you've got them peeled.
--Chutt-Riit, Kzin governor of Wunderkind, The Children's Hour

ARTYCHOKE HEART:

Take one guy name Arty, choke him, tear out his heart.
--Michael Nellis, 23 Jun 1993

BACHELOR'S CONDIMENTS:

Solid milk and liquid lettuce.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE: [THE]

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone; don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late; you made an ass of yourself
--Contributed by Dorothy Reynolds

BETTER THAN SEX CAKE:

Looking through my recipe collection for a new dessert to try, I came across a recipe with the intriguing name "Better Than Sex Cake." I baked it and took two pieces to my next-door neighbors. After telling them the cake's name, I laughingly added, "Decide for yourselves."

The next morning, this note appeared in their bedroom window: "Please send more cake. We can't make up our minds."

BOILED CABBAGE:

Boiled cabbage a l'Anglaise is something compared with which steamed coarse newsprint bought from bankrupt Finnish salvage dealers and heated over smoky oil stoves is an exquisite delicacy. Boiled British cabbage is something lower than ex-Army blankets stolen by dispossesed Goanese dosshouse keepers who used them to cover busted-down hen houses in the slum district of Karachi, found them useless, threw them in anger into the Indus, where they were recovered by convicted beachcombers with grappling irons, who cut them into strips with shears and stewed them in sheep dip before they were sold to dying beggars. Boiled cabbage!
--William Connor (Cassandra) (1909 - 1967)

CAULIFLOWER:

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
--Mark Twain

CHEESE WHIZ:

so there [I] was going about my business, and on a message to a fellow who is a government employee, [I] used the tagline...

> > . . . Just how much whiz is in Cheese Whiz?

and he fires back an answer, almost immediately

> Seeing as I doubt there is any actual 'cheese' in the can, it must be
> entirely whiz ;-)

who says government employees have no sense of humour?
--Lisa M Peppan 08 Apr 2004

CHOCOLATE:

The fifth food group.

CHOCOLATE AS LIFE SAVER:

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

COTTAGE CHEESE:

Cottage cheese, of course, is the food God developed specifically to torture women, to make them keen with yearning. Picture it on a plate, lumpy and bland atop a limp lettuce leaf and half a canned peach. Consider the taste and feel of it: wet, bitter little curds. Now compare it to the real thing: a thick, oozing slab of brie, or a dense and silky smear of cream cheese. Cottage cheese is one of our culture's most visible symbols of self-denial; marketed honestly, it would appear in dairy cases with warning labels: THIS SUBSTANCE IS SELF-PUNITIVE; INGEST WITH CAUTION.
--Caroline Knapp, from "Appetites: Why Women Want"

I like cottage cheese in lots of ways. Even alone with hot Roumanian paprika liberally sprinkled on top. The label should read "this substance is light, nutritious, and versatile. If you enjoy it, eat it. If you don't like it, eat something else"
--Laurie what's her problem? Phoenix

COFFEE:

CHEAP-END-OF-THE-MONTH-MEALS:

CUCUMBER:

A cucumber should be well sliced and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out as good for nothing.
--Samuel Johnson

DAIRY PRODUCTS:

Pools of swarming bacteria just waiting for the unwary to slip it down the gullet.

EATING BY COLOUR:

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would probably solve all of my problems. He said the key to eating right was just thinking in COLORS... fill my plate with bright colors -- Greens, yellows, reds…

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's. And sure enough, I felt better.

FOOD STORAGE:

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... very carefully.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway: if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!

DIET:

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
--Jim Davis, I'm in the Mood for Food: In the Kitchen With Garfield

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

GAG TEST [THE]: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

ICE CREAM: If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf forever. Put them in your will.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

DIETING:

PASTA DIET: [THE]

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da ice cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

PURINA DIET: I have a Golden Retriever so I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.

FRENCH VINAIGRETTE:

How many people does it take to make a classic French vinaigrette? Four, according to 19th century French poet Francois Coppee: a stingy person for the vinegar, an extravagant person for the oil, a wise person for the salt, and a lunatic for the spices.

HEALTH FOOD:

When you think of the hosts without No.
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.,
It's quite a mistake
Of such food to partake,
It results in a permanent slo.
--Anonymous

HOME COOKING:

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
--Buddy Hackett

HORSERADISH:

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

INTERNATIONAL CUISINE:

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good.
--Alice May Brock, author (b. 1941)

KITCHEN TIPS:

KETCHUP:

If you do not shake the bottle, None'll come and then a lot'll. --Anonymous

LOBSTER:

Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too.
--Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies

M&M:

[HOW TO EAT A PACKAGE OF ~]

That's it, really... not so odd when you think about it.
--Kestrel T'Rael, 29 Mar 1999

[UNNATURAL SELECTION]

Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion. There can be only one!
--Author Unknown

MACARONI AND CHEESE:

My culinary limitations are partly Mama's fault, and partly Freni's. Both women held strongly to the belief that there were four important food groups: meat, sugar, starch, and grease. Fruits and vegetables fall into a secondary category, suitable for garnish but not essential for nutrition. If served by themselves, vegetables must be cooked to the consistency of mush. I've long since given up trying to convince Freni that cheese is not a fruit. To her, the hard-to-classify foods (eggs and dairy products) take on the category of the food with which they are commonly served. Because I insist on a slice of cheddar with my apple pie, cheese has become a fruit. By logical extension, macaroni and cheese is also a fruit dish.
--Tamar Myers, Custard's Last Stand: A Pennsylvania Dutch Mystery with Recipes

OVEN:

Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

PARSLEY:

Parsley is gharsley.
--Ogden Nash

PAVLOVA:

Of course it's a kiwi pavlova! I'm a kiwi. It has slices of green kiwi, halved red strawberries, and wedges of peach. It's NOT for spinning and hooking, it's for eating! And it is not either light and airy and flaky! a proper kiwi-style pavlova is gooey and marshmallowy in the centre, with a crisp crunchy shell and mounds of whipped cream with fruit in decorative patterns. If it's not fattening, it's not properly made.

Humph!!
--Laurie ain't makin no pantywaist pavlova Phoenix

PORRIDGE:

Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

POTATOES:

Mashed potatoes can be your friend.
--W.A. Yankovich

PREHEAT:

To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.

RECIPE:

A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

ROAST BEAR:

I was told that the best way to cook a roast of bear was to put it on the top rack in your oven, and put a rock on the bottom rack, turn the oven to 325, and baste the roast with red wine, molasses, butter, and herbs, every 15 minutes, for three days. Then discard the roast and eat the rock.
--Rick McFarlane

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO CROCKED TO COOK:

9. After applying the turkey's booties, you can't resist adding the little bow tie to match.

8. Gefilte fish actually starts to look appetizing.

7. You check the boiling pot of water for temperature. With your bare hand. For the third time.

6. You've lost track of whether you put the right amount of liquor in your rum cakes, and frankly, you really could care less.

5. You exhale near a stove burner, generate a two-foot-long blue flame and the house burns down.

4. You call your friend in amazement to tell him that bread can become toast, but it can never go back.

3. Instead of actually cooking, you stand in the kitchen for four hours laughing at the dill weed.

2. The blender appears to be spinning, but the stuff inside isn't getting any smaller.

And the #1 Sign You Are Too Crocked to Cook:

1. The whisk is tangled in the dog's hair, your meatloaf just winked at you and you've lost the ability to discern the difference between ketchup and blood.

SCOTTISH CLOOTIE PUDDING:

[...] a kind of suet pudding full of fruit. The Anhk-Morpork version sits on the tongue like the finest meringue, and on the stomach like a bowling ball.
--Pterry, Men At Arms, pg 158

SOUR GRAPES:

Sour grapes make some of the best whines.
--anonymous

THANKSGIVING MEAL:

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
--Jay Leno

TOP EIGHT WORST CONVENIENCE FOOD IDEAS: [THE]

8. Beet Jerky

7. Pre-Wilted Lettuce

6. Freeze-Dried Twinkies

5. Individually Wrapped Bacon Bits

4. Peel-an-Eel

3. VisceraWhiz Aerosol Liver 'n' Onions

2. Haggis Helper

And the #1 Worst Convenience Food Idea:

1. Corn Dog on a Rope

TURKEY:

DEEP FRIED ~:

Materials needed: Syringe, Spacesuit, Oven.
--From real recipe for Deep Fried Turkey

ROAST ~: [1]

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan and position the foil carefully (see photo)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...

ROAST ~: [2]

  1. Go buy a turkey.
  2. Take a drink of Whiskey (scotch).
  3. Prepare turkey and put in oven.
  4. Take another 2 drinks of Whiskey.
  5. Set the degree at 375 ovens.
  6. Take 3 more Whisks of drinkv.
  7. Turn oven the on.
  8. Take 4 Whisks of drinkv.
  9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey anither bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of Whiskey.
13. Bake the Whiskey for 4 hour.
14. Pour another Whisk of Glasskey.
15. Take the ovwn our of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey uo off of the pick.
17. Turk the curvey.
18. Get yourself another scotch of borth.
19. Tet the sable and por yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying pass and eat out.

THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS:

Stew turkey for two hours in milk -- milk of magnesia -- and stuff with mothballs.
--F. Scott Fitzgerald

ODE TO THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY:

The turkey shot out of the oven,
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table,
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner,
And burst with a deafening boom.
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control!

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

WAL-MART WINES:

Wal-Mart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, director of marketing. She continued," But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).

WANTON SOUP:

A Chinese soup gone awry.
-Johnny Hart, B.C., 16 Jun 2005

WHY ENGINEERS DON'T WRITE COOKBOOKS:

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Components:
1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

* To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

* In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

* To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.

* Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

* Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

* Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

* Once the conflagration is complete, deposit the 316SS sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to molecular equilibrium.

YOGURT:

[1] Stuff that looks like cream trying to be something else.

[2] Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

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