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This was a funny message I kept that another person posted about "20 ways to know you are a BBS addict" Anyway, thought everyone might like to read it: (it was taken off of a CD called "So Much Modem Madness")
20 Ways to know you're a BBS addict
1. When your youngster saw the cover art for "So Much Modem Madness" did he/she yell out "DA DA"?
2. Is your idea of family quality time a tour of Bell Labs?
3. No matter what baud modem you own, (even 14.4k) do you wish you had one that was faster?
4. Has your wife or girlfriend ever left for more than 3 days and you didn't even know they were gone?
5. Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS?
6. Have you ever left tearful announcements on Long-distance BBSs telling everyone you couldn't afford to call anymore, then kept checking back to see if anyone had responded?
7. Has your phone company sent you hand written thank-you notes?
8. When you return from vacation, do you get a call from your phone company asking if everything is all right?
9. Have you ever cancelled a date cause he/she wants a late night dinner when the phone rates are lowest?
10. Do you call during the morning hours, knowing the rates are the highest with the excuse that "at least I will be able to get on?"
11. Do you own a back-up generator so you can run your computer even when the power company can't?
12. Have you ever logged on to a BBS, and then realized you didn't know what City, State, or Country it was in?
13. Can you log onto a BBS, Browse, and log off without ever having to turn the monitor on?
14. Are the words ON LINE burnt into your monitor screen?
15. Do you know more about what is going on in the lives of the people in the BBS community than you do about the people you live with?
16. Does your hard drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you call?
17. Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call?
18. Have you ever called a BBS at 4:00am, found it was offline, then called the sysop just in case they didn't know?
19. Do you page sysops into chat, even though you see the message 'sysop not available' again and again, because you think that maybe they will make an exception for you?
20. Are you late for work/school in the morning because you insist on answering all 235 netmail messages you've received?
1. Your phone bill lists 1,987 household lines.
2. Your son tells you that his private interview with the Secret Service agent was for a social studies class essay.
3. You receive mail addressed to Phil E. Phreak.
4. The kid cheers Lex Luthor whenever a Superman movie runs on TV.
5. The CEO of a regional Bell operating company appears on your doorstep, sobbing uncontrollably and begging forgiveness.
6. You find a copy of Phrack magazine hidden under the underwear in your son's bedroom dresser. (The Playboy magazine is next to the handheld scanner, of course.)
7. The kid asks for a Novell Access Server for his birthday.
8. The little silver-colored wheel on your electric meter spins so fast it flies off, slices your neighbor's elm tree neatly in two and flattens a tire on a Chevy Monte Carlo three blocks away.
9. Your son's English teacher calls, sounding really curious, to ask why the kid selected the Oklahoma City phone directory for his monthly book report.
10.He names Robert Morris Jr. as his "Most Admired American."
--Source: http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/3736/lol65.htm
1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a thirty minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung with each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say "ah" you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child and worry that their descendants are going to exact their revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask him to go into another room to tell him, because "The napkins have ears"
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club for Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the Pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to be the president of Bulimia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better: to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. People offer you help, but you interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
(Particularly if it's still attached to the live pig.
--George Willard)
"Attention K Mart Shoppers..."
--Keenan Powell
I think my little redneck kid said, "Die yuppie scum!"
--Vern Lougee
You Might Be A Redneck Sports Fan If . . . Top 10 Reasons:
10. You've ever been shirtless at a freezing football game.
9. Your carpet used to be part of a football field.
8. Your basketball hoop used to be a fishing net.
7. There's a roll of duct tape in your golf bag.
6. You know the Hooter's menu by heart.
5. Your mama is banned from the front row at wrestling matches.
4. Your bowling team has it's own fight song.
3. You think the "Bud Bowl" is real.
2. You wear a baseball cap to bed.
1. You've ever told your bookie "I was just kidding".
2. Elation: "Oh My God!! This is the greatest thing I've ever seen, I must write about it in my blog!!"
3. Discovery: "I just read on another blog this is spyware! Egads, what should I do?"
4. Anger: "I'm so mad! How could they do this, I'd expect this behavior from Microsoft, not from Google! Don't be evil my ass!!"
5. Uninstallation: "That's it! I'm so mad I am taking this off my computer! I'll be sure to tell everyone they should do the same. Google is becoming more like Microsoft every day. I'm going to use Yahoo! from now on."
6. Rationalization: "Boy, I sure do miss that thing, maybe that anonymous data they are collecting really won't be used against me. Besides, it's not like they're Microsoft."
7. Quiet Acceptance: "Well, I might as well just try it again, it's not like it's hurting anyone, besides they wouldn't do anything evil with my data, like Microsoft would."
8. Reinstallation: "I'll try it again, but just for this week, then it's back to Yahoo."
9. Denial: "Boy, I sure was hard on them last week; I'd better just keep this to myself, if anyone asks I'll just deny I've started using it again."
10. Acceptance & Admission: "I guess it's time to fess up, I've been using the new Google thing for quite some time again, and I'm hooked. All that data they're collecting, it's all anonymous anyways, I'm sure they won't use it for anything."
--Blake Carver, LISNews, 11 May 2005, and reprinted here with permission
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (such as Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, and so on).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you and your dog have therapists.
24: You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
25: You keep a list of companies to boycott.
26: You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
27: You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.
28: Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?
29: You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.
30: You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named Judy and Becky.
31: You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker-and you mean it.
32: You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV - the guys are much hotter!
33: You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
35: You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner benefits.
36: You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.
37: When you drive under an underpass - for one moment you think "earthquake".
38: Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" ... it's the first time you have seen him nude.
39: You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.
40: You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.
41: Your new neighbor goes to temple-but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.
42: You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10:30 news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You were too busy to notice there was no No 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
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