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Whatever his disguies, he is relentless. He'll talk you to your grave if you let him. If he senses that you're one of his prey -- that you do not base your actions on rational self-choice -- he'll punish you unmercifully. He will make guilt your bedfellow until you're convinced you're a bad guy.
The Absolute Moralist is the creature -- looking deceptively like any ordinary human being -- who spends his life deciding what is right for you. If he gives to charity, he'll try to shame you into "understanding" that it's your moral duty to give to charity too (usually the charity of his choice). If he believes in Christ, he's certain that it's his moral duty to help you "see the light." (In the most extreme cases, he may even feel morally obliged to kill you in order to "save" you
from your disbelief.) If he doesn't smoke or drink, it takes little effort for him "logically" to conclude that smoking and drinking are wrong for you. In essence, all he wants is to run your life. There is only one thing which can frustrate him into leaving you alone, and this is your firm decision never to allow him to impose his beliefs on you.
--Robert J Ringer, Looking Out For Number One, 1977, quoted in Constructing A Life Philosophy: Opposing Viewpoints, pg 211-212
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption,
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com
. . . and that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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Why it has been called the Mosaic account of the creation, I am at a loss to conceive. Moses, I believe, was too good a judge of
such subjects to put his name to that account. He had been educated among the Egyptians, who were a people as well skilled in science, and particularly in astronomy, as any people of their day; and the silence and caution that Moses observes, in not authenticating the account, is a good negative evidence that he neither told it nor believed it.--The case is, that every nation of people has been world-makers, and the Israelites had as much right to set up the trade of world-making as any of the
rest; and as Moses was not an Israelite, he might not chose to contradict the tradition. The account, however, is harmless; and this is more than can be said for many other parts of the Bible.
--Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason, Part I, 1793
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach; green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give back the other ten." With a sigh, God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a life span of 20 years.
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years, I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And again, God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Keeping in mind the attitude of the other creatures, God said, "I'll give you a life span of 20 years."
The man said, "What! Only 20 years to do nothing but have a good time. I'll tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, along with the 10 the dog gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay??"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
Sooo! ... That's why:
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, They discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
Amen.
--Anonymous
When used this way, "cult" just means "religion I want you to fear so much you won't listen to them." Or even, "religion I want you to hate so much that you will remove it from the list of churches that deserve constitutional protection."
--Orson Scott Card
What is Easter?"
The first man thinks for awhile and says, "Oh, Easter is when you put up a pine tree, decorate it, and give presents to your family and friends. Usually your family gets together for Easter Dinner."
St. Peter frowns and throws the man into a lake of fire. He asks the second man, "Do you know what Easter is?"
The second man says, "That's easy. Easter is the day when the Indians and the settlers got together and the Indians taught them how to hunt and grow crops. They had a big feast, and now, we get together and have a feast on that day."
St. Peter scowls and throws the man into a lake of fire. He turns to the third man, "Ok, do *you* know what Easter is?"
The third man smiles and says, "Easter is the celebration of Jesus' resurrection. The Romans crucify him and he's buried in a cave. Three days later, he rises from the dead and exits the cave."
St. Peter smiles and the pearly gates open. As the man enters, he says under his breath, "And if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter!"
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, where upon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever. St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
[2] Not wanting to know what is true.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
[3] Which brings to mind this little anecdote:
It was the worst spring flooding of the century and the waters were rising rather quickly. Many people had been trapped by the floods and desperate rescue efforts were under way.
One volunteer, his canoe already loaded with a family of three, spotted one old timer sitting on his porch roof. He quickly steered his craft in that direction and hailed the marooned home owner.
"Would like a lift out of here?!"
"No, thanks, young feller. The Lord will provide."
"Are you sure? That water is rising pretty fast and there's no telling when someone else will come along."
"Don't you worry none about me. Like I said, the Lord will provide."
The canoeist shrugged his shoulders and went on his way.
In due time the water rose over the roof of the porch, and mid-afternoon found the old man sitting on the peak. Along came a fellow in a motorboat. He cut over towards the house, revving down the engine so as not to damage the propeller on the unseen roof. "Jump in! I'll take you out of here!"
"No thank'ee. I'm quite safe here and the Lord will provide."
After several more minutes of discussion, the boater left without the old man.
The water continued to rise until the old man was obliged to stand on the chimney top to keep dry, and along about dark an Army chopper flew into view and spotted him standing there. The pilot came to a hover overhead while the cargomaster leaned out the open door. "Give me your hand and I'll pull you in!"
"No, thanks! I'm quite safe here and the Lord will provide."
After several minutes of heated arguing with the old codger, the pilot, with a full load and low on fuel, picked up altitude and flew away.
The waters continued to rise until the old man was swept away and sucked under.
In heaven, the old man moved patiently in line until it was his turn to talk to God. He stepped up in front of the Almighty and snapped at him, "Where were you during the flood?! I had faith in you! I kept saying that you would provide and you didn't and I drowned!"
God shrugged and replied, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"
--Retold by Fang-Face DreamWeaver in Bardroom echo
(see FAITH in main volume)
Hitler goes on to document how much "public monies derived from taxation through the organs of the State have been placed at the disposal of both churches [Protestant and Catholic]." Hitler gave nearly 1.8 billion Reichsmarks between 1933-1938 directly to the Christian churches. In 1938 alone, he bragged that the Nazis gave half a billion Reichsmarks from the national government and an additional 92 million Reichsmarks from the Nazi-controlled German states and parish associations.
Hitler made the intent of his faith-based initiative clear when he noted, "With a tenth of our budget for religion, we would thus have a Church devoted to the State and of unshakable loyalty. . . . the little sects, which receive only a few hundred thousand marks, are devoted to us body and soul."
--Bob Fitrakis, Gott Mit Uns: On Bush and Hitler's Rhetoric, 01 Sep 2004
Smith's esoteric street science revolves around the notion that the universe operates by mathematical principles, and that the key to success (both personal and collective) is understanding them. Once a man achieved mastery of self, he became a God, the "sole controller" of his destiny. (Five Percenters refer to men as "Gods" and women as "Earths.") The group's name
derives from a belief that 85 percent of humanity is bent on self-destruction due to ignorance of their own divinity. The next 10 percent have self-knowledge, but use it to exploit and manipulate the 85 percent; they are referred to as the "blood-suckers of the poor." The remaining 5 percent are those "poor righteous teachers" who have self-knowledge (that is, they are aware of the divinity at the core of their identity) and teach "freedom, justice and equality to all the human family." Much
like the Nation of Islam, Five Percenters place a strong emphasis on family, education and self-reliance. Although the doctrine lacks the NOI's restrictions on intoxicants, it extols self-control and forbids "uncivilized" behavior.
--Salim Muwakkil, Hip Hop Hysteria, Alternet.org, 07 Jan 2003
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.
He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since he hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong!
And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God.
(Return to main volume)
So, dad, listen carefully...
"Ok"
"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light." I paused.
"So, dad, right now, this very minute, I want you to go forth and install a regular light bulb in the socket of the toilet room so that mom has light. For there is a spider in the bathroom, and it is evil."
"Oh! Yeah, I can do that. Won't take but a minute"
"Excellent! Go forth! Return when you're done"
<a few moments go by>
"Done!"
"And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. Excellent!"
and in the background mom practically shrieks... "How long has that been possible!?"
and dad replies "from day one"
and therin ensues a brief conversation about how dad thought there was too much light in there so he took the bulb out and put in the night light, and mom said "Why wouldn't you ever do it all those times I asked!?" and he says "I didn't know you wanted me to... how much light do you need? You know where everything is..."
So dad goes back outside to whatever he was doing, and mom gets on the phone and says how she can't believe it, and how she finally has light after putting up with that stupid little night light for 5 years and OMG! And then she says "Of course, the regular bulb sticks out so far I'll probably get a 3rd degree burn if I'm not carefull"
SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I've created light from darkness and STILL you're not happy!!!!? It's just that sort of thing that made God destroyed the earth you know!"
but... I count the day productive nonetheless.... should I wind up living with them, I'll at least be able to see what's trying to kill me in the bathroom....
--Kestrel T'Rael, 12 Jun 2004
All these statements are from God:
"I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number eight lying on its side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish. And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's like a guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid like that around your necks?"
"Here's how you cure cancer: make it cooler for a kid to grow up to be a scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a Pop Star. That's how you cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists, that'll do it."
"In 6 days? Define "day". Back then a day lasted until I was done."
"You can travel to other planets after you learn to take care of this one."
"Ha! Aliens don't believe in you, either. In fact, countless trillions upon trillions of aliens don't believe in you. And they don't care, either! But they were rooting for the chick on American Idol."
"He was guilty as hell, but the cops did plant the glove by the fence and Nicole's blood on the sock."
"No, you can never travel through time. It's a problem with physics, it won't work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus and he'd never get any work done."
"Yes, I loved that one. Jesus was great! Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me, see how far you'd get! Heck, most of you wouldn't even attend church if it didn't have air conditioning. And how come you fly the flags of football teams on your cars, but not God Flags? I'd accept Jesus Flags, even Heaven Flags, but you never see that. I'm hurt. What good are the Green Bay Packers going to do for you? It makes no sense."
"The Jews are not 'chosen' they're just smarter than their enemies, that's all there is to it. Jews put much more emphasis on science, and whoever knows the most about science wins. It's that simple."
"It took me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2 in Einstein's dreams for 20 years before he finally got it."
"Coming back? Am I coming back? I never left! Think about it, I'm everywhere. How can I go away?"
"It was a weather balloon with lifesize anamorphically correct dummies with tin foil that wouldn't stay squished. Yes, the Air Force was 100% on that one (and I didn't make little green apples).
"If the Bible was My Word, I would have put my name on it and I wouldn't let it be rewritten a million different ways. The Bible was supposed to be a nice storybook about happy things and some poetry and some history. Now look at it. There are more books explaining what I supposedly meant in the Bible than there are Bibles. Read some Clive Cussler for a change, those are fantastic adventure stories."
"Nostradamus was a hoot. Hister! Ha! I liked that one. I truly enjoyed much of his poetry, and I should have had him work on the Bible, it would've been more entertaining.
"Revelations was written by John while he was hopped up on wacky weed. Don't read anything into it."
"Here's a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name, but is making a ton of money doing it, he's a fraud. I don't need money. Mother Theresa is the only one recently I can recall who had my stamp of approval."
"Jerry Falwell is a nut, and I can prove it."
"And that reminds me, I'm going to be issuing Man of God I.D. cards soon, and precious few of your ministers are going to get one. It's time to get serious about this before organized religion blasts you all back into the dark ages."
"My 'Ways' are only mysterious because you spend all your time following celebrities instead of studying science. Every answer is in quantum physics and DNA. Figure it out. How old is the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody is asking me if it will ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that one out already! Same with the others."
"You are still only using 10% of your brain. When you get to 50%, you'll figure out what I mean by 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'."
"If I answered that, you wouldn't spend enough time living prior to death."
"Daddy drank because you cried. (The person thinking of that question understands, the rest of you never mind.)"
"It was big all right, but there was no "bang". Sound can't travel in a vacuum, brainiac."
"You called them miracles, I called them Magic Tricks. Again, it's just physics. Figure it out."
"Really, that's it. One last question... Yes, the future will be exactly like Star Trek. Do you think Gene Roddenberry dreamt all that up by himself? I Holy Ghost-wrote most of the episodes."
"That's all... thank you very much. Just remember what I said... what?, I would never let Satan buy somebody's soul, Tiger is just damn good. Goodbye everybody!"
The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain connections."
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2.) Use alcohol in moderation. 3.) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4.) Eat right. 5.) Hank dictated this list himself. 6.) The moon is made of green cheese. 7.) Everything Hank says is right. 8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9.) Don't drink. 10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken.
John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary (sticking her fingers in her ears): "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints.
John (catching her): "Well, if I'd known you were one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
--Author Unknown
It is the perfect American holiday gift. Celebrate the birth of Jesus by wasting dozens of people at a time, using a provocative variety of Christ-sanctioned weapons! You can even operate tanks to destroy whole areas of New York City! Who knows, you might even get to kill Ethan Hawke ("slumming" in a ball cap and dirty jeans) in a Marxist bookstore-coffeeshop on 8th street! Kill, kill, kill!Merry Christmas, America.
The storm is howling out of doors,
The drifts are piling high,
And I can see pedestrians
As they go trudging by.
The faces of my Irish friends
Come dimly through the glass.
They brave the blizzard for the sake
Of worshipping at Mass.
I watch a while, then back to bed,
Curled up so safe and sound
While they must tramp the icy streets
On sacred duty bound.
I envy them their strength of heart,
The faith that they renew,
But on a snowy Sunday morn,
It's great to be a Jew.
--Unknown
I tried to find all the pieces and put them together, but it was not possible, so I kept only the largest piece. This one. And by scratching it on a stone I made it round. I began to play with it as a toy and became fascinated by the fact that I could reflect light into dark places where the sun would never shine -- in deep holes and crevices and dark closets. It became a game for me to get light into the most inaccessible places I could find.
I kept the little mirror, and as I went about my growing up, I would take it out in idle moments and continue the challenge of the game. As I became a man, I grew to understand that this was not just a child's game but a metaphor for what I might do with my life. I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of light. But light -- truth, understanding, knowledge -- is there, and it will only shine in many dark places if I reflect it.
I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know. Nevertheless, with what I have I can reflect light into the dark places of this world --into the black places in the hears of men -- and change some things in some people. Perhaps may see and do likewise. This is what I am about. This is the meaning of my life.
--Alexander Paraderos to Robert Fulghum, and reprinted it It Was On Fire When I Lay Down It, pg 172-173
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
It creates a hostile work environment.
St. Patrick, taking the matter into his own hands like most Irishman do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly he organized IRATRION [Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians]. Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all power plants in hopes the fish in Norwegian refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep.
The fish spoiled all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows to this day, thrive on spoiled fish. Faced with failure, the Irishman snuck into the Norwegians fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled lye on the rotten fish, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders. But, as everybody knows this is how lutefisk was introduced to the Norwegians and you know they loved the smelly lye-soaked fish. They are eating to this very day they are.
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop for making lefse. Poor St. Pat was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th he blew his top and told the Norwegians to go to HELL!, and it worked.
All the Norwegians left Ireland for new homes in Minnesota. . . .
By the way...
Did I ever relate to you the core beliefs of Scientology?
If not, here is a pretty good synopsis...with some funny remarks by Bob Minton from the Lisa McPherson Trust in Clearwater, FLA...
Enjoy...laugh...chortle...guffaw...scratch your head in disbelief while wiping tears from your eyes...
Share with your friends...pass this on via email!
E.
Now for all you Scientologists planning on moving up the Bridge, I just want to give you a heads-up on what to expect. And, for the few people who ever consider getting into Scientology, I want to give you a brief view of their cosmology.
This story is the core belief in the religion known as Scientology. If the people Scientology tries to recruit knew about this story, I don't think they would ever get involved. This story is told to Scientologists when they reach a higher leveI. If the people in Scientology at the lower levels knew about this story, I don't think they would would stay on the Scientology hamster wheel. It is a road to total something, but not freedom.
75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our part of the galaxy, including our own planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack.
All of the planets Xenu controlled were over-populated by, on average, 178 billion people. Social problems dictated that Xenu rid his sector of the galaxy of this overpopulation problem, so he developed a plan.
Xenu sent out Tax Audit demands to all these billions of people. As each one entered the audit centers for the income tax inspections, the people were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, and frozen. Then, all 1.4 trillion of these frozen people were put into spaceships that looked exactly like DC8 airplanes, except that the spaceships had rocket engines instead of propellers.
Xenu's entire fleet of DC8-like spaceships then flew to planet Earth, where the frozen people were dumped in and around volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu's Air Force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were destroyed.
However, Xenu's plan involved setting up electronic traps in Teegeack's atmosphere which were designed to trap the souls or spirits of the dead space aliens. When the 1.4 trillion spirits were being blown around on the nuclear winds, the electronic traps worked like a charm and captured all the souls in the electronic, sticky fly-paper like traps.
The spirits of the aliens were then taken to huge multi-plex cinemas that Xenu had previously instructed his forces to build on Teegeack. In these movie theatres the spirits had to spend many days watching special 3D movies, the purpose of which was twofold: 1) to implant into these spirits a false reality, i.e. the reality that WOGS know on Earth today; and, 2) to control these spirits for all eternity so that they could never cause trouble for Xenu in this sector of the Galaxy. During these films, many false pictures were implanted into these spirits, which resulted in the spirits believing in all the things that control mankind on Earth today, including religion. The concept of religion, including God, Christ, Mohammed, Moses etc., were all an implanted false reality that to this very minute is used to control WOGS on earth.
When the films ended and the souls left the cinema, they started to stick together in clusters of a few thousand and remained that way until mankind began to inhabit the earth. Today on earth all the spirits of these aliens have attached themselves to our bodies and are the root cause of the false reality that all but Scientology's OT 8's on earth experience. It is the job of all Scientologists to remove this false reality from the world by auditing each and every space alien spirit and human on earth to CLEAR not only this planet but the universe. For those who oppose Scientology and stand in their way like the LMT and all Scientology critics, Scientology promises to do away with them "quietly and without sorrow".
I have calculated that on average, each person on planet earth has 2,314 of these Body Thetans (BT's for short), Hubbard's term for the alien spirits, causing you and all mankind to be constrained by Xenu's false reality. The average cost for Scientology to OT 8 is a mere USD 360,000, meaning that each BT only costs USD 155.57 to clear. Now that is a bargain if there ever was one.
Hubbard never said the overall cost to the planet would be cheap, but let's examine it. The planetary cost equation is as follows: 1.4 trillion spirits times USD 155.57 equals a mere USD 2,104,550,960,000. Just think about it -- USD 2.2 quadrillion -- shit, that's enough to keep Rear Admiral Miscavige and Marty in casino chips for a long time.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers of the Marcab Confederation finally discovered how evil he was and overthrew him. He is now locked away in a mountain on one of the planets and kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery. Several of Xenu's relatives can often be found on ARS.
In fact I know people who have sat in a room at the Sandcastle building in Clearwater, Florida for 5-7 hours per day, holding two asparagus cans together, attached to a lie detector, talking all day to these dead space aliens. And guess what? You'll never ever finish talking to dead space aliens until you leave Scientology.
I am repeating this story to you as a warning. If you become involved with Scientology then I want you to do so with your eyes open and fully aware of the sort of material it contains.
Bob Minton
Keeping Scientology Working, OVERTIME
Shamanism can and does co-exist with Christianity in Inuit thinking. Why should it not? What kind of weak religion would shamanism be if after 16,000 years of its known existence it could be knocked down dead by a handful of new, squabbling missionaries who wandered into the vastness of the Arctic world less than a century ago?
--James Houston, Confessions of an Igloo Dweller, pg 150
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all apalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been in this church before."
"Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only one God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them.
You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you? Whatever happened to... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians, or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat, or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators, and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues. We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.)
We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen, and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.
Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning! Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution."
O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them!... O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead;... help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children wandering and unfriended in the wastes of their desolated land....In this version of the victory prayer, the aged stranger reveals the "unmentioned results" that "follow victory -- must follow it, cannot help but follow it." The congregation ultimately decides that he "was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said." A few days after "The War Prayer" was rejected by Harper's Bazaar, Twain wrote to his friend Dan Beard, to whom he had read the story, "I don't think the prayer will be published in my time. None but the dead are permitted to tell the truth." His editor was "responsible to his Company," he explained, "and should not permit laughs which could injure its business."
TACO BELL RITUAL:
The moon was full and the streets were glowing with power on this appointed day. Clad in ritual garb, I silently walked towards my place of worship. Soon it towered before me: Taco Bell. The mirror of my heart and the captain of my soul. I closed my eyes to ground and center. As I felt my inner power grow, I intoned the ancient chant: 59-79-99, 59-79-99. I watched almost from a distance as my hand reached out and opened the door to this holy temple of human desire. I entered the ritual space deliberately, but reverently. As the door closed behind me and the sounds of the street faded to a negligible chatter, I could begin to hear the spirits of this domain in their eternal song. Their song took the melody from the chorus of that famous pagan song by Peter Murphy: Taco, Burritos, Mexi-Nuggets, Nachos, Soft Drink, Tostada. As I took my place at the rear of the line of novices, I could see and hear ahead of me the graceful movements and words of the purple-clad priests and priestesses. One of the elders was imparting magickal wisdom to a young initiate: "Turn that stove down - the tortillas are getting charred!" Ah, I thought, they have not forgotten the burning times.
Yesterday, upon the advice of a wise urban shaman I met late at night in Pioneer Square, I had stuffed a taco in my pants. I could still feel its pressure against my second chakra, filling my body with its warm, yet chile energy. Soon I reached the front of the line of novices. A sacred temple priestess stood before me, clad in a hat bearing the logo of her order. "My Will is four light bean burritos, hold the cheese, with a small soft drink. So mote it be." The power present in the room twisted her face into what in mundane life would be interpreted as confusion. I made the ritual offering of metal discs, gifts of the earth, as she made the traditional magickal response: "Would you like that for here or to go?"
At last, I was ready to take my place at an altar. My four burritos, wrapped in their silver metallic wrappers, lay before me. "Shining ones," I murmured. I was profoundly moved, almost swooning as I reverently took one out of its wrapper. "May you never hunger," I said as I emptied a ritual sauce packet on it. Now it was time to invoke an element.
"I call air," I said as I farted noisily. The novice behind me made a gagging sound and moved away. "Oh well," I told him, "go if you must, stay if you will." Next, thinking on the Great Rite, I inserted my straw into my soft drink. The room was swirling with energy. I felt my stomach turn in sympathy. I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the toilet to practice the law of threefold return. Quickly, I reestablished my grounding. But the energy was at its peak, and I could hold my voice back no longer. Leaping on my chosen altar and holding my atham-burrito high, I cried, "Trifold taco! Be with us now as we honor you with cup and bean!" It was a transcendent moment. The quizzical looks on the faces of the novices before me only deepened the sense of profound mystery that I knew we must all be feeling.
But by the appearance of the two large uniformed gentlemen in front of me, I knew that my role in this ritual had come to a close. I felt as they dragged me out the door that my feet were not even touching the ground. With my soul in the clouds and my feet on the earth, I turned to the outer doors of the temple and bowed my head. Merry eat, and merry fart, and merry eat again. Blessed Bean!
[Copied from the Calpagan newsgroup.]
NINE RULES FOR BECOMING A WITCH:
Rule #1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
Rule #2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macramé) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule #3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behavior. Previously labeled eccentric behavior patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule #6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work...join them!
Rule #7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censor in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule #8: Be Patronizing to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.
Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven!
Good luck and Blessed Be!
[Copied from the Calpagan newsgroup.]
These may seem like qualities that should be common to all churches; yet [...] I have come to believe they are unique to churches which liberate the individual Christian.
--Ruth Truman, How To Be A Liberated Christian, 1981, quoted in Constructing A Life Philosophy: Opposing Viewpoints, pg 243
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