COMMA:
- The comma: How had we come up with this civilized shape? I wondered. Timidly and respectfully, it cupped the sense of a phrase and held it out to us. It recalled the pedals of grand pianos, mosquito larvae, paisleys. adult nostril openings, the spiralling decays of fundamental particles, the prows of gondolas, half-spent tubes of antifungal ointment, falcon or airplane wings in cross-section: There was an implied high culture in its asymmetrical tapering swerve
that gave it a distinct superiority over the Euclidean austerity of the full point, or period.
--Nicholas Baker
- The Comma Sutra: The guide to grammatic satisfaction.
GRAMMAR:
- An English teacher had been convicted on criminal charges and sent to prison. Shortly after arriving, one of the other inmates clued him in about the Warden's wife. Sleep with her, he was told, and he could ask her to intercede with the Warden to get his sentence shortened, to which the teacher replied, "Oh, no. I could never end a sentence with a proposition."
ENGLISH:
- A stretch language; one size fits all.
--William Safire, On Language (an anthology of essays), pg xiv
EURO-ENGLISH:
- Stolen from Twain, I believe... but it's still amusing...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
FUMBLERULES OF GRAMMAR:
- Orignally collected by William Safire and published first in an essay and later reprinted in On Language. English teachers had already been circulating lists of fumblerules for years.
[Each fumblerule demonstrates the grammar it repudiates, hence the name. --MN]
- Avoid run on sentences they are hard to read.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.
- Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- No sentence fragments.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.
- Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Never, ever use repetitive reduncancies.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
- Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
- Don't string too many
prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
- If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- Eschew dialect, irregardless.
- And don't start a
sentence with a conjunction.
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
- Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
- Write all adverbial forms correct.
- Don't use contractions in formal writing.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
- Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
seek viable alternatives.
Follow up entries to the essay version:
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- If a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put a comma after the dependent clause.
- One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
- Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
- If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
- Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in "ly" are adverbs.
- De-accession euphemisms.
- In statements involving two word phrases, make an all out
effort to use hyphens.
- It is not restful to transform one part of speech into another by prefixing, suffixing, or other alterings.
- Avoid colloquial stuff.
Further fumblerules, some of which are simple restatements:
- One-word sentences? Never.
- Resist Unnecessary Capitalization.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Don't forget to use end punctuation
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
- Just between you and I case is important.
- Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
- Don't abbrev.
- In my opinion I think
that an autho r when he is writing shouldn't get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need.
- And, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
- Also, never obfuscate your documentation with pretentious, ostentatious or histrionic language.
- Subject and verb always has to agree.
- Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
- However, if you must use a foreign term, it is
de rigor to spell it correctly.
- It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
- Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.
- Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
- Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Consult the dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
- Don't use tautological, repetitive or redundant statements.
- Don't use tautological, repetitive or redundant statements.
- Remember to
never split a n infinitive.
- Puns are for children -- not for readers who are groan.
- The passive voice shouldn't be used.
- Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Remember to finish what you.
- The subject of a sentence and the principal verb should not, as a rule, be separated by a phrase or clause that can be transferred to the beginning.
- Avoid the use of ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (even when relevant)
are distracting.
- Steer clear of quotations. "I hate quotations," Ralph Waldo Emerson said. "Tell me what you know."
- Be more or less specific.
- Use colloquialisms when pigs fly.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Above all, writing should be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
- Verbing weirds language, man. -Bart Simpson
FIFTY-NINE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
-
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen
Painting Found by Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies
- Youngster Shot
While Riding Detroit School Bus Out Of Hospital
Also:
- Neighbors fought the fire before firefighters arrived with a garden hose.
--KMPH Radio, Fresno, CA, newscast - Police say an Antioch man has admitted to killing his pregnant wife and daughter in an interview with police.
--The Sun, San Bernadino, CA - Deanna M. Fairchild, 41 [is] accused of setting a fire in a rural neighborhood that killed three people.
--The Miami Herald - Ron Brown was remembered as ... a defender of little people who enjoyed
being chauffered around in limousines. ...
--TIME
MISSPALLING:
- Only vehicles with Genetech stickers or placards are aloud beyond this point.
--parking lot sign at Genetech Corp - No bear feet allowed
--in a college library
ORTHOGRAPHY:
- If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
--Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
PETS AND GRAMMAR:
- Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma has it's pause at the end of a clause.
PLURALIZATION:
- We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I
give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
--Unknown
- If it uses any one of the twenty six letters of the alphabet, punctuate the damned thing and do it right!
--Michael Nellis
(Return to PUNCTUATION, main volume)
- Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
(Return to PUNCTUATION, main volume)
SAMPLES OF WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN:
-
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was
painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too
strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
- An error of equal or greater proportion in a reply written to correct a grammatical error in a message by another person. The introduction of the neologism "Shalanna Syndrome" in WRITING echo prompted a brief flurry of teasing posts to which Shalanna replied:
"They're not mistakes, they're a new kind of experimental prose."
--Shalanna Collins
Other more common errors are often
confused with this syndrome; as in the following material:
VL> VL> PREACH IT SISTER! My gawd your beautiful when you are angry!
VL> VL>
---- VL> YOU DORK! Shalanna syndrome to the max! Don't do it again
VL> or you are fired! --Vern Lougee
Nah. That ain't Shalanna Syndrome. Shalanna Syndrome is when you are
correcting an error someone else made and you make an equitable error.
That above is just an example of good old fashioned stupidity. --Michael Nellis
SNOOT:
- There are lots of epithets for people like this - Grammar Nazis, Usage Nerds, Syntax Snobs, the Language Police. The term I was raised with is SNOOT. The word might be slightly self-mocking, but those other terms are outright dysphemisms. A SNOOT can be defined as somebody who knows what dysphemism means and doesn't mind letting you know it.
--David Foster Wallace, Tense Present: Democracy, English, And the Wars Over Usage, Harper's Magazine, Apr 2001.
UP:
-
[1] You lovers of the English language might enjoy this. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we
say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
Fess UP...you like this! One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so. . . . Time to shut UP!
Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
[2] This reminds me of a story my grandfather told me about the first time he went to New Zealand in the 1920s. He thought he had a very good command of the English language and could speak it without a foreign accent, so he considered that he knew the language as well as any Englishman.
One of his first jobs was on a gang clearing land for a housing development. He was told to cut a group of trees down. He did this, then went to the foreman and asked what to do next. "Now cut them up," he was told.
Grandad said he went and stared at those trees lying on the ground, not wanting to ask the foreman what he meant and give away that he wasn't English, thinking to himself, "I cut them down, now they are down. I am to cut them up. How can that be? That must mean something different in the English language."
Thereafter, he told me, he always harboured grave doubts about English as a method of precise communications.
--Laurie Campbell
- The Wilson's Curse is how we refer to an error in basic grammar. Usually an embarrassing one, such as confusing a possessive for a contraction. What makes the error so embarrassing is that we usually have been discussing such errors at great length. It also has to be something obvious. Unlike the errors you make in your salutations (see above, that's why I left it in) There should be a comma between hi and Mike, since Mike is a direct
address, an d they are always set apart by parenthetic commas. This curse is named after our own Kathy Wilson, because she was complaining about "The Wilson's Curse" and made such an error in her message. Then I teased her about it.
Quite apart from SHALANNA SYNDROME, which I noticed you didn't ask about, and which is an error in grammar made in a message correcting someone else's grammatical error.
WELSH:
- Welsh is a form of cipher, like German Enigma machines -- none of the letters is pronounced the same as the letter would indicate to an English speaker, but is instead moved one over -- thus an L is pronounced K, an F is an E, and an A is . . . Whatever letter comes before A. Some sort of choking sound.
--Paul Collins "Sixpence House: Lost in a Town of Books"
Y'ALL:
-
Y'all gather 'round from far and near,
Both city folk and rural,
And listen while I tell you this:
The pronoun "y'all" is plural.
If I should utter, "Y'all come down,
Or we-all shall be lonely,"
I mean at least a couple folks,
And not one person only.
If I should say to Hiram Jones,
"I think that y'all are lazy,"
Or "Will y'all let me use y'all knife?"
He'd think that I was crazy.
Don't think I mean to criticize
Or that I'm full of gall,
But when we speak of one alone,
We all say "you" not "y'all."