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Even as an infant Junior planned on and practised using his triple digit salute;
although not always with success.
Junior also forged life-long friendships with family members. Detractors dismiss
these incidents of family bonding as mere redneck bar-b-ques.
George Junior makes it clear to the world at a young age that he means to aim high.
George also made an early start to improving his intellectual capacities
by reading a wide range of articles and viewpoints.
Even though Florida was using a type of ballot unique to Florida, the ballots were standard in layout, as can be seen in this sample (Make sure you wait for it to fully load.)
Both presidential-aspirants blamed vote counters in the other's camp for the inability to reach a decisive tally. Some pundits blamed Floridian voters for mishandling the ballots; alleging that elderly Floridian bingo players who can handle up to two dozen bingo cards at a time couldn't make sense of a single ballot.
Nor was there any reason why those tasked to recount the ballots couldn't make a firm determination of the numbers. As this sample demonstrates, the instructions to the ballot counters were clearly indicated:
It should also be pointed out that there is no truth to the rumor that the following alternate ballots were ever authorized:
The following is a rough draft of George W. Bush's Inaugural Address
[as provided by a Democrat insider].
My Fellow Armenians, as I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together.
We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate.
We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.
The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms: Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds. I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie.
I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust.
Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.
In an apparent prank carried out by departing Clinton administration staffers, Bush aides discovered that dozens of computer keyboards were missing the "W" key. --Reuters
OTHER LAST-MINUTE PRANKS FROM OUTGOING CLINTON STAFF:
BURNING BUSH
submitted by Allan Marain
[Origin unknown --MN]
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Still early in his term of office, GeeDubya showed a high degree of perspicacity and understanding of both scientific and religious issues during some controversy on the subject of cloning. Said spokesman Ari Fleischer. "The president believes that any attempt to clone a human being would present a grave risk both to the mother and the child. He opposes it on moral grounds."
The only reply the president's detractors could make was that cloning would pose no more risk to the mother or child than a pregnancy from either natural or in vitro fertilization, and that there is no more room in science for religion than there is in the separation of Church and State.
Shows what they know.
The China/Spy Plane Crisis
GeeDubya's popularity skyrocketted when it turned out the Chinese loved him as a virtual pet. This jump came during an international crisis of all things.
The PortaBush software for hand held computers -- a computer game which allows users to look after a virtual pet of President George W Bush -- attracted up to 2,000 downloads an hour according to its creators.
Of the downloads of the Tamagotchi style game, about eighty percent were initiated from China. No doubt as a mark of respect for the still fledgling president due to his stand-tough ability. It is believed the take-up was affected by the spy plane crisis between the US and China.
Company president Brad Foxhoven of Eruptor Entertainment told The Washington Post: "It's just incredible that it's taken off like this."
Hard line left wing pundits criticizing the President's performance were unhappy with his reply to a demand for an apology and submitted the following apology draft:
The REAL American apology to the Chinese:
Dear China,We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're sorry that your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (They just replaced all theirs with shiny new F-16's.)
We're sorry that you're confused about the boundaries of your country and believe that your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
We're sorry that your pilots are not trained to established international standards of mariner and pilot conduct which provide safe-harbor for any pilot or captain declaring an emergency using the easily recognized phrase "Mayday, Mayday, Mayday" followed by location and situation information.
We're also sorry that you further don't recognize the respect to be afforded to such distressed craft (some would call it sovereignty).
We're sorry that you can't seem to acknowledge your role in this incident, and consider it politically expedient to take 24 young flight crewmen hostages, for the antics (pilot error) of a known hotdog fighter jockey.
We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Ponder this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan).
We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a common untrustworthy street gang very soon.
We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity.
Sincerely,
The United States of America
However, the idea that the president does have an actual fear of flying was obviated by his having the same reaction when told that he was going to Quebec City, Canada, to meet the Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Poutine. It is obvious, therefore, that his aversion is not to flying but to going to third world countries.
In June 2001, pupils at Oakhill School in Blackburn, Lancashire, in Great Britain, received a reply to a letter they had written to President Bush congratulating him on winning his court case. The thank you note sent to them in reply called them "young Americans". It was alleged that the President himself had personally written instead of a staff member, and that the letter and that it was simply another sign of his lack of intellectual prowess. Among mainstream (i.e.: Republican) pundits, however, there are two schools of thought about the event. One is that President Bush called these down-trodden foreigners "young Americans" in an effort to encourage their self-esteem and give them some hope for a future in which they too could live in a land equal in liberty and capitalism to the United States. The other school of thought is that even this early on in 2001 he was able to forsee the future tragic events of that September and was simply engaging in the good diplomatic relations that would ensure the U.S. would have not have to go into Iraq alone.
Oakhill School teacher Luke Lowry said: "The children just thought it was very funny." They, of course, can be forgiven for thinking that, since they were only eleven years old and couldn't possibly be expected to understand the scope and ramifications of international politics.
The President did however, immediately remount the scooter like any good cowboy would; then he brought it under control and rode it off into the sunset.
In his two years in office, President George W. Bush has managed to mangle the economy, allow the guise of homeland security to demolish the guarantees of freedom inherent in the Bill of Rights, and get away with seeming -- God knows how -- presidential. At least to some of us. On trips abroad, the comments, even from conservatives, usually run something like, "Your President's an idiot, eh?" In fact, the conservatives (I'm thinking here specifically of a trip to Switzerland) are often more vitriolic, embarrassed and abashed that someone with so little sense of governance speaks in their name.
--Farai Chedeya, Pop and Politics 18 Sep 2002
The White House, USA GEORGE W. BUSH
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
(Note: this information should be useful to voters in the 2004 election. Circulate to as many citizens you think would be helped to be reminded about his record.)
However, what the president's detractors failed to mention anywhere were all the good things President Bush accomplished in his first four years in office; such as . . . well . . . he was the president!
One afternoon when the President is returning from a trip to his Texas ranch, he gets off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm.So, of course, it should be obvious that President Bush didn't actually have anything to do with establishing tighter controls on the military; it was Cheney and Rumsfeld.The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir!"
The President smirks and says, "Well, that's where you're wrong, soldier. These are not pigs. These are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
COLOR CODED THREAT LEVELS: Are you still confused by color-coded threat levels? Well, you needn't be! Let me walk you through this simple system!Despite this, the American public continued to have a proper appreciation for President Bush and even elementary aged school children showed an understanding of his importance to America:
LOW Low Risk Of
Losing The ElectionGreen means a low risk of Bush losing the election. Citizens should be vigilant, but basically the re-election is in the bag GUARDED Guarded Risk Of
Losing The ElectionBlue means the election is under control, but bears monitoring. Citizens should check to make sure they are registered Republican. ELEVATED Elevated Risk Of
Losing The ElectionYellow means an elevated risk of losing! All ciitzens should remind each other how dangerous it is to switch leaders in the middle of a war on terror. HIGH High Risk Of
Losing The ElectionOrange means a high risk of losing the election! Citizen are strongly urged to raise the subject of gay marriage! SEVERE Severe Risk Of
Losing The ElectionRed means the president's number are in free fall! Citizens should max out and the Supreme Court put on high alert! -- just in case! And remember folks -- no matter what color the day, you either support our president during a time of crisis, or you don't! It's up to you!
--Mark Slackmeyer, Doonesbury, by Garry Trudeau, 11 Sep 2004
George W. Bush was visiting a primary school as part of his election campaign, and entered one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked George W. if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy", so the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."The 2004 Presidential election probably saw the greatest impact of Bush's international diplomacy. It was during this time that more foreign countries than ever before took an interest in the internal politics of the only superpower left to shape the world. Unfortunately, not all liberal-press pundits in those other countries could even come close. One such person mistook G.W. for the president of Mexico:One little boy stoods up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"No," said George W., "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
George W. searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If a plane carrying George W. Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be an accident either."
Free trade globalization has produced some exceedingly strange phenomena:Some wag once remarked -- no doubt with tongue firmly in cheek -- that war was nature's way of teaching Americans geography. If that is at all so, then perhaps the U.S. should invade Mexico to teach this Frisco Kid that G.W. is the American president.China, the last socialist power, is glad to provide slave labor to multinationals; a firm in India fills the tax forms of an American corporation that produces vodka in Peru and then sells it to Polish immigrants who are constructing a British-financed building in Madrid; an enterprise which specializes in biotechnology tries to copyright the DNA of an isolated tribe from the Amazon, and George Bush has become the worst Mexican president ever.
Globalization tends to blur or erase all economic, geographic, and cultural boundaries, leaving high technology to coexist with primitive forms of exploitation: Taiwan sells watches to the Swiss; Brazil exports technology to Germany; and all evidence suggests that George Bush has stolen his ruling style from old-fashioned Mexican politicians.
Mexican political culture has very defined features and the president of the United States has absorbed them all: The classical Mexican political boss usually inherits his power from his father. The typical Mexican cacique has a love for guns as well as an inclination toward violence and cruelty; he despises legality and intellectual activity, has a personal history of alcoholism and dissipation, lies systematically and declares himself a faithful servant of God. (Did we miss anything?)
According to Mexican tradition, politicians always reach their positions thanks to a fraudulent electoral process and then surround themselves with a clique which uses its power to conduct "business" on a staggering scale while in office. The Florida electoral thievery and Halliburton's Iraq contract are classic examples of Mexican corruption.
--El Fisgón, Bush: The Worst Mexican President Ever, 14 Oct 2004
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, They discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.Amen.
--Anonymous
Naturally, all God-fearing, Bible-loving, righteous peoples rejoiced that moral values had carried the day and Good Americans(tm) now had a clear field to recreate the country as the bastion of decency and morality it was meant to be by our Christian and upright Founding Fathers. Especially, the Religous Right(tm) was poised to overthrow and reverse the myth of Church/State separation that un-Godly, immoral, bleeding heart liberals had created from misinterpreting the First Amendment
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.
Soon.
Sincerely,
California
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-dodgers
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
To Do List Before our next Inaugural:
1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
10. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident."
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
17. Use the phrase -- "you can't do that -- this is America."
18. If you're white -- marry a black person, if you're black -- marry a white person.
19. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
20. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
21. Start your school day without a prayer.
22. Pass on the voodoo secrets of evolution to future generations.
23. Learn French.
24. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
25. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
26. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
27. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
28. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
29. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill."
30. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State.
And don't forget, Californians --
31. Fill your reserve gas tanks before that pesky mileage tax punishes those of us in the Blue State.
Breaking with time-honored tradition, President George W. Bush announced today that he would fill all remaining Cabinet positions for his second term with himself.
Aides to the president said that the goal of appointing himself to the seven vacant positions was to achieve greater harmony within his Cabinet, and also to limit the number of people who could possibly write tell-all memoirs at a later date.
In addition to serving as president, Mr. Bush will now occupy many other senior positions in his administration including Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Labor, and Postmaster General.
The president chose himself to head every available Cabinet-level department with the exception of the Environment Protection Agency, a job that the president said "was for losers."
In his historic announcement at the White House, Mr. Bush introduced himself seven times to reporters and said that in his first official act as Treasury Secretary he would change the motto on U.S. coins and currency from "E Pluribus Unum" to "My Way or the Highway."
Dr. Edwin Kragen, a professor of political science at the University of Minnesota, said that the president's decision to hire himself seven times may turn out to be his boldest stroke to date.
"While he may not get the diversity of opinion one wants at Cabinet meetings, on the positive side, he won't need as many chairs and glasses of water," Dr. Kragen said.
Elsewhere, at the New York Stock Exchange yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney rose eight dollars a share in active trading.
Dear Abby,My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for four more years!
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Washington). Reynolds, with the aid of the GAO (General Accounting Office), has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed this morning by e-mail of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India will assume the Office of President of the United States in July. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will work primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the AmericanExpressCall Center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the Office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Army National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq; a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's nonsmoking terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
Top Ten Myths About the Illegal NSA Spying Program: by the American Civil Liberties Union
MYTH: This is merely a "terrorist surveillance program."
REALITY: When there is evidence a person may be a terrorist, both the criminal code and intelligence laws already authorize eavesdropping. This illegal program, however, allows electronic monitoring without any showing to a court that the person being spied upon in this country is a suspected terrorist.
MYTH: The program is legal.
REALITY: The program violates the Fourth Amendment and Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) and will chill free speech.
MYTH: The Authorization for the Use of Military Force (AUMF) allows this.
REALITY: The resolution about using force in Afghanistan doesn't mention wiretaps and doesn't apply domestically, but FISA does--it requires a court order.
MYTH: The president has authority as commander in chief of the military to spy on Americans without any court oversight.
REALITY: The Supreme Court recently found the administration's claim of unlimited commander in chief powers during war to be an unacceptable effort to "condense power into a single branch of government," contrary to the Constitution's checks and balances.
MYTH: The president has the power to say what the law is.
REALITY: The courts have this power under our system of government, and no person is above the law, not even the president, or the rule of law means nothing.
MYTH: These warrantless wiretaps could never happen to you.
REALITY: Without court oversight, there is no way to ensure innocent people's everyday communications are not monitored or catalogued by the NSA or other agencies.
MYTH: This illegal program could have prevented the 9/11 attacks.
REALITY: This is utter manipulation. Before 9/11, the federal government had gathered intelligence, without illegal NSA spying, about the looming attacks and at least two of the terrorists who perpetrated them, but failed to act.
MYTH: This illegal program has saved thousands of lives.
REALITY: Because the program is secret the administration can assert anything it wants and then claim the need for secrecy excuses its failure to document these claims, let alone reveal all the times the program distracted intelligence agents with dead ends that wasted resources and trampled individual rights.
MYTH: FISA takes too long.
REALITY: FISA allows wiretaps to begin immediately in emergencies, with three days afterward to go to court. Even without an emergency, FISA orders can be approved very quickly and FISA judges are available at all hours.
MYTH: Only liberals disagree with the president about the program.
REALITY: The serious concerns that have been raised transcend party labels and reflect genuine and widespread worries about the lack of checks on the president's claim of unlimited power to illegally spy on Americans without any independent oversight.
[Copyright American Civil Liberties Union 2006, and reprinted here without permission.]
To be Continued. . . .
(Hopefully not past Jan 2005.)
(Crap; okay, so hopefully not past Jan 2009.)
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