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Dihydrogen monoxide:
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and other places worldwide.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
It's Not Too Late!
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead under goes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium…an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days to high oxygen concentrations.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too late.
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Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works, when you scuffed your feet, you picked up a batch of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufactures weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about, unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tends to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office.
After Franklin, came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, and electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer actually attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch in hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically just sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few consumers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year in which any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937: the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance that emits a beam of light so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember too change the power setting from vaporize bulldozer to delicate.
My husband grabbed this off the Internet:
The Temperature of HEAVEN
(from Applied Optics, vol. 11, A14, 1972)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."
Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7 X 7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 789K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C, is hotter than Hell, at 445C.
Plus, the mid-term attributed version has the paragraph appended here within curly brackets "{ }". Personally, I consider Snopes.com to be an authoritative source.--MN]
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
{So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and will not freeze over.}
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But the good news, according to Falwell, is that Jesus Christ will come again, and all Christians will be saved, as well as the lucky few Jews who convert to Christianity.
--Jan Jarboe Russell, 11 Oct 2002, in Seattle Post-Intelligencer
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Duluth sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Bemidji gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
I think you're confusing "e," Euler's constant, with "c," the speed of light. c is not a transcendental number; it's a measured quantity.
e, the base of natural logarithms, is the antilog (exponential) of 1. Pi is the most widely known transcendental constant, but among the cognoscenti, e has many adherants, for the following reasons:
Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi.
10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~= 2.718281828459045.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pi.
6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) "e" is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
and:
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.
--R.P. Veraa, 07 Dec 1996
2) Technology is suicide - no one makes it to interstellar exploration
3) The galaxy is settled and civilized - we're the zoo.
4) Same - the galaxy is settled and civilized - we're the protected primitives on a reservation
5) We're a game preserve as in "How to Serve Man"
6) The galaxy was "seeded" and every race is the same age.
7) Interstellar travel isn't worth the bother. After visiting a dozen or a hundred star systems, you loose interest.
8) The "On-Topic" hypothesis: They're here.
9) It takes time to get here. They're on the way. Patience.
10) We've only been literate for a few thousand years, and broadcasting for less than a hundred years. Hardly time enough for anyone to notice we're here. Patience.
11) We've been listening for less than 50 years. Hardly time enough for us to notice them. Patience.
12) They're listening to us, but haven't decided yet whether to respond. Patience.
13) We're listening for the wrong things. When we finally figure out what to listen for, we'll hear them.
1. Give your NTU an aura of real science. Use words like cosmic, morphic, plasma, energy matrix, astral, etheric, resonance. By all means invoke the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which can be interpreted by the uncritical mind to mean "anything goes." Quantum theory and chaos theory can be made to sound vaguely compatible with the paranormal.
2. Flaunt your credentials. Put an M.S. or Ph.D after your name on the jacket of your book; it doesn't matter in what field of study you acquired your degree.
3. Make sure your NTU is easy to understand ("easy-to-follow layman's language"). You may use schematic drawings of warped space-time, but, please, no mathematics. If you must use mathematics, keep it to an impressive but unreadable "technical appendix."
4. Don't hesitate to point out all the things that real science can't explain: the origin of life, the development of organisms, consciousness, dreams.
5. Remember, your NTU needs evidence. A good rule of thumb: You can always track down at least a dozen purported occurances of any phenomenon.
6. Distance yourself from the most simplistic superstitions. For example, make fun of newspaper horoscopes and the stories in supermarket tabloids. But also make sure that your NTU is vague enough to allow for--or at least not prohibit--astrology, aliens, ESP, psychokinesis, ghosts, immortality, and other popular paranormal phenomena.
7. Keep your NTU human-centered. Real science tends to make people feel isolated, forgotten, lik cogs in a machine. A good NTU makes every individual feel like the center of a cosmic web of influences.
8. Include a bit of sex.
9. Don't be afraid to evoke the wrath of the scientific establishment; this will prove you are onto something big. For example, the best thing that ever happened to Rupert Sheldrake was a bit of intemperate editorializing in the science journal Nature. Sheldrake, [...] is the author of A New Science of LIfe: The Hypothesis of Formative Causation and The Presence of the Past: Morphic Resonance and the Memory of Nature, books claiming that everything from a crystal to a human becomes what it is because it remembers what it is suppose to be. When the former book was published in 1981, the editors of Nature called it an "infuriating book ... the best candidate for burning there has been in many years," and immediately propelled the book onto the best-seller lists. Subsequent editions of Sheldrake's book have used the Nature denunciation as a publicity blurb. [...]
10. Remember those famous lines from Hamlet: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Scientists don't know everything. The key to success for any NTU is to amass enough anomalies, coincidences, oddities, exceptions, prodigies, and wonders that the sheer bulk of your data will convince the reader that your theory is correct. After all, if orthodox science can't explain All of This, then alien abductions, the Omega Point, or (insert
your own theory) begins to look better and better.
---Chet Raymo, Skeptics and True Believers, pg 114-117
As the originator noted, It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. Please note that the original spelling has been left intact.
1. The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
2. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it does not exist in a free state.
3. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
4. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
5. When you smell an oderless gas, it is proba bly carbon monoxide.
6. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
7. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
8. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
9. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
10. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
11. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
1 2. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
13. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
14. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
15. The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
16. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
17. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
18. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
19. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
20. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
21. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
22. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
23. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
24. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
25. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
26. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
27. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
28. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
29. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
30. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
31. For dog bite: put dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
32. For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
33. To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
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