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I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off? . . . I think not.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
[Also printed in WOMANHOOD; Appendix 30]
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics: 1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting: GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift bag! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt!
--Unknown
THE RULES
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is very important that these three women never meet
Evolution is an imperfect and ongoing process. While most of us have been evolving quite nicely since our Australopithecus days, others have lagged somewhat behind. A certain number of us seem to have gotten stuck in a time warp known to anthropologists as the Neanderthal Gap. These people are generally characterized by a thick skull, small brain and foul body odor. We all know people like this, right? Such beings look and behave much like our Neanderthal ancestors who roamed the valleys around Duesseldorf, Germany, eons ago. The reasons for this are unclear. Perhaps these people were dealt some evolution-resistant genes. Or maybe their ancestors were simply caught off guard by the sudden onslaught of the last Ice Age.
Anthropologists have developed a simple test that you can take to determine if you fit this category. Add up the points as you go along and compare the total with the table at the end of the test to determine where you belong on the evolutionary scale. The recommendations provided are designed to help you lead a more productive life despite your handicap.
How to tell if you're a Neanderthal.
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Do Dobermans and Rottweilers run like hell when they see you coming? If yes, add five points.
3. Got a chin? No? Add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Can you stand on your head without using your arms? If so, give yourself five points.
6. Do you open Coke bottles with your teeth? If so, add ten points.
7. Is squatting on your heels more comfortable than sitting in a chair? If yes, add five points.
8. Do you have a neck? If not, add five points.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add three points.
10. Do you have a brother named "Bubba"? Add five points.
11. Do you have a sister named "Bubba"? Ten more points.
12. Do you buy your shoes in a Big & Tall shop even though you're only 4' 10"? Add five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal -- no points.
14. Can you pick up an apple with your toes? Add five points.
15. Do you usually eat apples this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Is your nickname "Animal"? Three points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Add five more points.
18. Is your lower arm shorter than your upper arm? Add five points.
19. Do you use a hair dryer instead of a bath towel after showering? Ten more points.
20. Do you shower at all? If no, add fifteen points.
SCORING
00-20: Pure homo sapiens.
Recommendation: Avoid the NYC subway and people who fit the following categories.
21-40: Mild Neanderthal strain, prone
to spells of primitive behavior.
Recommendation: Move to California, and no one will notice.
41-60: Stone Age Syndrome.
Recommendation: Avoid eating in all restaurants except those that have plastic knives and forks and by all means stay away from zoos.
61-80: Pleistocene-challenged.
Recommendation: Your best bet is to pursue a career in pro football.
81 and over: Grunt City.
Recommendation: Consider running for public office -- you'll be in good company.
--David Wayne
(see MANDERTHAL in main volume)
Introduction: Ah,such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk beneath those crisp white uniforms and what young man doesn't have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself. SCREEEEEECH. Reality Check! I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century and let me tell you nurses are not what you expect and I don't even care what you expect because you are wrong! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the top.
The Nurse as Sex Kitten: Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high heels. This of course is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's beds. The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs, shapeless draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white clunky nursing shoes or tennies with blobs of things on them better left un-described. Socks replace white hose and garters and when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation perhaps? Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve y our "problem." Get a life Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to mention, they have seen better. I don't care how good looking you are, they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least someone who didn't smell bad.
The Nurse as an Angel: If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure and loving... a cross between a nun and their mom. Well hate to bust your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you will run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart, or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of the scale.
As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and that includes personal anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better! Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your little Willie was king, well you're wrong! In fact I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the shop, forget it! Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggie to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off. As you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "well I guess I better get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and says, "let's go." You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is like a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network: As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That in itself is no big deal, but the fact is that every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend. This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse S/O will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses: Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in situations where nurses mingle with non-medical folks things can get ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another nurse couple and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations all over a nice pasta dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores! After several dinners and gatherings like this you will soon find your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is ok, the trouble starts when you have more than one and when that happens, keep the regular folks away. Also, if you are going to be around a group of nurses in a social gathering, be sure to sit with the non-nurses. You might as well because the nurses will be so busy talking among themselves about work that you and any other non-nurse will be totally ignored. Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take advantage of your S/O being a nurse by calling at all hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends dropping trousers to show your sweetie his rash. Best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse: Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years! That said though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!
Conclusion: Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!
I was back to school for my second degree when I met a lovely pre-med.. and married her. I made a promise to her that I would see her through medical school whatever the cost. I should have known.
Turns out she's very good at what she does, and it took a long time to 'see her through', what with residency, a fellowship in Europe (OK, that was fun), another fellowship in Detroit (all apologies to my friends in Detroit, but...) and then children folded themselves into the equation. I'm bright, but I judged that my career and professional potential didn't match hers, so I pulled out a very sharp sword and slashed what was left of my career into jagged little pieces.
So. The Computer Sciences looses a bright jewel, the world gets a truly world-class gastroenterologist, and my wife and I together are preparing two absolutely lovely and (in the mold of Heinlein's strong female characters) utterly devastating professional women.
I am not applying for a medal. Sometimes not having a professional standing sucks. And no, being free to attend my daughter's mid-afternoon basketball game does not really compensate. But these are the choices adults make. I intend to keep simulating such behavior until they graduate. After that, don't count on seeing me wearing shoes.
--Clint, at Dr. Jerry Pournelle's Chaos Manor web site message board, 20 Jan 2005
Sorry, but that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
|
You make the bed You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets You leave the toilet seat up You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings in the snow But return with beer You check out a suspicious noise at night You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing You check out a suspicious noise and it is something You pummel it with a six iron It's her cat |
+1 0 -1 -5 0 -1 -2 +5 +8 -5 0 0 +5 +10 -10 |
|
You stay by her side the entire party You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy Named Tiffany Tiffany is a dancer Tiffany has implants |
0 -2 -4 -6 -80 |
|
You take her out to dinner You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar Okay, it is a sports bar And it's all-you-can-eat night It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team |
0 +1 -2 -3 -10 |
|
Go with a pal The pal is happily married Or frighteningly single And he drives a Mustang With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) |
-5 -4 -7 -10 -15 |
|
You take her to a movie You take her to a movie she likes You take her to a movie you hate You take her to a movie you like It's called Death Cop 3 Which features cyborgs that eat humans You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans |
+2 +4 +6 -2 -3 -9 -15 |
|
You develop a noticeable potbelly You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts You say, "So what? You have one too" |
-15 +10 -30 -800 |
|
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (That is correct: You lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding You reply, "Where?" Any other response |
-1 -10 -35 -20 |
|
You listen, with what looks like a concerned expression You listen, for over 30 minutes You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep |
0 +50 +1000 -2000 |
On the other side are those of us who envy salmon. That's all they have to do to get lucky?
--Doug Robarchek
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
SEND THIS LIST TO AT LEAST 10 OTHER PEOPLE OR YOU'LL HAVE BAD SEX FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!
--Ton Blok
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Pocket TaserStun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be shortlived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries -- right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thingout on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I satin a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inchin circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-abatteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself aone-secondburst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%<mailto:DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%>!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, bodysoaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A- . . . that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
2: No one would be able to tell if you were smiling or not.
3: There wouldn't be anything to keep the bugs from getting stuck in your teeth when you were out riding your bicycle or motorcycle.
4: You wouldn't be able to hide that big piece of spinach stuck between your incisors from the salad course.
5: No matter what you'd look like a death's head.
6: The chapstick industry would go out of business overnight.
7. You couldn't mouth off. Er, make that lip off. 8-)
8. You couldn't give a wolf whistle.
9. You couldn't give lip service to your boss's instructions.
10. Tough guys wouldn't be able to dangle cigarettes so they could look cool.
11. You wouldn't be able to suck on cigarettes, cigars, or lollipops.
[#s 7, 8, and 9 contributed by Curtis Johnson, remainder by Michael Nellis]
The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh, Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Marilyn Monroe. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is: whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason. . . .
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