Return to Encyclopedia Introduction
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida (or South Carolina). If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HURRICANE INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Ohio
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
[...]
The Florida Legislature is considering a resolution to declare a State Book Title, to go along with the State Bird, State Flower, State Insect, etc. The proposal: Gone With The Wind!
From: [name withheld] Sent:
Friday, September 10, 2004 8:27 AM
To: [name withheld]
Subject: RE: Personnel changes of interest
On the subject of those storms, I wish y'all would figure out what you folks are doing wrong down there to attract them and take corrective action. The remnants we keep getting up here have ruined the recreational shrimping season this year. We've had two remnants, and two small ones of our own, we don't need anymore leftovers. Keep safe and good luck.
[my husband's response]
Thank you for your helpful feedback. This office does not control named storm paths or schedules.
However, as I have recently become a card-carrying Frequent Named-Storm[tm] User, the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration has established an account for me. I have accrued DOUBLE Frequent Flying Debris points in the last month, alone! I hope to soon have enough points for four more sheets of plywood and a 5500-watt portable generator! Although, I may keep saving points for a new roof.
As a NOAA Gold Card user, I contacted the National Hurricane Center -- who, as you know, DOES route and schedule Named Storms[tm] -- to tell them of your need. They informed me that the filing date for changes to the path of Hurricane Ivan has passed, and you will once again have to settle for a remnant of the storm, principally rain with some piddly wind. But the NHC assures me that they have almost settled the communication problems with the government and rebel forces in West Africa that have been so bothersome of late, and they will be able to adjust the timing of tropical storm front releases from the Western Sahara, more in your favor.
So for the remainder of this hurricane season, look for Named Storms[tm] to turn north of west a little farther east of the West Indies. And you, too, can enjoy the FULL BENEFITS of this year's RECORD CROP of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes! Just WATCH those POINTS MOUNT UP with every shingle, every window, every minute of electrical power, and every pint of potable water lost!
And you won't have to worry about a ruined recreational shrimping season this year, or ANY year, EVER AGAIN!
If there's anything else I can do for you, don't hesitate to write.
Helpfully,
[The names of the author and his wife, who forwarded the message, are withheld at the discretion of this editor. She's a keypal of mine. --MN]
Excerpts from The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents:
Welcome to the exciting world of hurricane journalism!
While your highly paid colleagues on the anchor desk are broadcasting from the dry safety of a heavily fortified television studio, you and your camera crew will be out in the maw of the storm, risking your lives for no good reason.
What you should wear: Always choose the flimsiest rain jacket available, to visually dramatize the effect of strong winds. All foul-weather gear should be brightly colored in the event you're swept out to sea or sucked down a drainage culvert, and someone actually goes searching for you.
What you should televise: The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. Never mind that the puniest summer squall can send a coconut palm into convulsions, your producer will demand this meaningless shot.
Once the storm begins, you can forget about swaying palm trees and concentrate on ficus, banyans, oaks and Australian pines -- the ones that actually go down.
Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is, in order of ratings:
1. Big tree on strip mall.
2. Big tree on house.
3. Big tree on car.
4. Small tree on car.
5. Assorted shrubbery on car.
Note: The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics forbids correspondents from purposely knocking down any native vegetation with a TV satellite truck to simulate weather damage.
Where you should go: The days before a hurricane are the most challenging for roving correspondents, because not much is happening. Needless to say, if you've got a choice between hanging out at the local Home Depot or cruising the beach, head immediately for the surf.
When the storm finally comes ashore, always stand dangerously near the rough water and position yourself so that the spray hits you directly in the face. If it's not raining yet, take off your hood and let the wind mess up your hair.
Remember: A wet, tired and weather-beaten appearance is crucial to your credibility as a hurricane journalist.
What you should say: When covering a hurricane, there's no such thing as overstating the obvious. And, let's face it, how many different ways can you say it's rainy, windy and miserable?
To break the monotony, you might take a guess at how high the "storm surge" will be, even though you won't have a clue. Tedious lulls in the action will also offer the opportunity to ramble on about "feeder bands," which is the slick new term for squall lines.
And when the dry, well-fed anchorfolks back in the air-conditioned studio ask you to sum up the situation in your location, always say the following:
"Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight."
Whom should you interview: As a hurricane advances, it's standard procedure to chat with evacuees, hotel owners, utility workers and disappointed tourists.
The two mandatory video loops are (a) worried residents boarding up and (b) harried residents standing in long lines to purchase water, batteries and other supplies.
Once the storm is imminent and the coastlines are evacuated, your interview possibilities will be reduced to:
1. Police and emergency personnel who are out on the streets because it's their job.
2. Amateur "storm chasers" and other wandering dolts who wish to experience the force of a hurricane up-close and personal.
3. Surfers.
Of these, surfers are by far the most entertaining interview subjects for TV. Unfortunately, you could easily die trying to talk them out of the water.
What to do when the hurricane actually strikes: Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.
Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, where you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture or surfboards.
This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris -- the money shot.
Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched that big slow mother whorling across the Doppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.
Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.
What to do when the worst is over: A friendly reminder -- The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics strictly prohibits drinking on the air. However, only you and your camera crew need know what goes on in the privacy of the satellite truck. If anybody asks, you know what to say: "Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight."
2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.
3. When house hunting, look for closets with lots of leg room.
4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--and tastes just as bad.
5. AA, C, and D are the only alphabet we need (batteries).
6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.
7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.
8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.
9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.
10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.
11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.
12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator.
13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.
14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.
15. Lakes can generate waves.
16. Gasoline is a value at any price.
17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.
18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE.
19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.
20. Candlelight is better than Botox -- it takes years off your appearance.
21. Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER.
22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.
23. Shadow animals on the wall -- still fun.
24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.
25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of co-workers or neighbors who do not.
26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.
27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.
28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator
29. Somebody's got it worse.
30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they're getting preferential treatment.
Return to Encyclopedia Introduction