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Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that nice.
Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that nice.
Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that nice.
Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That’s where I learned to say, "Isn’t that nice" instead of "fuck you."
--Posted by Scott Adams at The Dilbert Blog, 26 July 2007
She answered, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that?"
"He used to, but not any more."
"What made him stop?"
"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that?'"
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man / woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt y ou so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: Whatever happens, happens for a reason.
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter's departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough."
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry.
I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"
"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?"
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead, and the reality is that the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."
She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".
Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory,
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is:
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence . . . he farted.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
"If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?? I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He is still alive and with a great deal of therapy he might even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
All the while, his wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to her husband, "You need more tail!"
He turned to her with a confused look on his face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dep't store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dep't where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you-she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey! I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
"You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen And yells... "For Goodness Sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your Grumpy presence, listen good, because I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!!"
He sat down and saw his clothing laid out in front of him, all clean and pressed. Looking around the room he saw that it was in perfect order; spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirin, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and noticed a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you!"
Jack stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asked him, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh, that, . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing at the right time: Priceless.
Poo Poo Boudreaux suddenly looks across at his wife and speaks in his clear Cajun voice.
"Darlin'," he says. "I know we ben' married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
Marie says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
Poo Poo Boudreaux speaks again. "I doan want you to try to tok me out of it," he says, "'cause ah ben havin' anaffair wit you best friend, Tu-too, an' she's a far betta' lover den you for shor!"
Again Marie stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
Poo Poo pushes his luck. "I want duh house", he says insistently.
Up to 60...
"An I want duh car too," he continues.
65 mph...
"An'," he says. "I'll have duh bank accounts, all duh credit cards an' duh boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This make him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't dere anyting' you want?"
Marie at last replies -- in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, Cher. I got everyting I need," she says.
"Really?" he inquires with a smile. "So what you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph Marie turns to him and smiles. "Duh airbag!"
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