The Lair of Fang-Face DreamWeaver

Mars Delegation

From: Fang-Face DreamWeaver
To: Laurie Campbell
Subj: Mars Delegation /I
................................................................

Reply to a message in Writing.

LC> Maybe that's what happened to Mars" atmosphere - we took it!
LC> Just wait "til the Martian Delegation arrives at United
LC> Nations Headquarters demanding it back!

<cue music> Duh da duh dum dum duh da da dum!

"Welcome to the National Broadcorping Castration Evening News. I'm Mike Wallface. Our lead story tonight centers around the mysterious appearance of a flying saucer here in New York City. This strange craft from outer space has apparently stopped in front of the United Nations General Assembly Building. Excitement and worry are running rampant as speculation and rumours fly. Some of the rumours we have heard say that it is a delegation from an incredibly advanced and benign race who wish to petition the U.N. to form an alliance with Earth and engage in a mutual exchange of technology and culture.

"For an assesment of that idea, we went to the man on the street."

"Hi, Mike. John Roberts, the good looking Canuckian with the outrageous contract that I couldn't even get in my dreams North of the border, here. We've been polling the average man on the street to get the ordinary Joe's slant on this story. Oh, wait! Here comes one now!

"Yo, Rocky! What do you think of the idea that the beings in the flying saucer have come to Earth to engage in an exchange of culture?"

"Culture? Well, yeah. Sure. I mean, we gots lot of culture here on Earth, right? I mean, culture is what we use to make yogurt, right? With all the yogurt we got we probably got lots of culture left over to give these guys."

"And there you have it, Mike. Free trade with the alien creatures is a definite go with the man in the street."

"Thank you for that incisive interview, John Roberts. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we were planning on going to an interview with the Attorney General of the United Nations, but I've just been informed that there is now activity at the flying saucer. We are now cutting in our live feed from the site.

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see a hatch has opened in the side of the flying saucer, and now a long, straight, piece of metal is descending at an angle, . . . it looks like a long stairway . . . yes, it is, it is a long stairway.

"There now appears to be some movement in the open hatch, and YES! One of the aliens is coming out and, . . . oh, my. He seems to be wearing the costume of a Roman Centurion. There also appears to be some kind of a dog like creature with him and the thing, whatever it is, is attired the same way.

"Now the alien is stepping forward onto the stairs, . . . oh! It's an escalator! The stairs started into motion as soon as the alien stepped onto them, as you saw if you are watching this report.

"The alien is at the bottom of the steps now and we are about to get a better perspective as passes in front of the barricades. Yes, there it is in front of the barricade -- I don't believe it. The damn thing is a PYGMY?!

"What happened to the interstellar superbeing??"

<muted>

"Mike! Stay focused, you dolt! Never mind the editorializing! Got it?"

"Geez, Sam, did you see the size of that little goof ball?"

"Who cares if the damned thing is the size of bottle of SuperCoke?! You know how much I've got tied up in the stock market? If your stupid mouth offends that little twerp I'm gonna personally take it out of your hide!"

"Okay, okay, don't burst another blood vessel."

"As those of you watching at home can plainly see, the alien creature is now entering the United Nations building. We expect it to be out of sight for several moments until it again comes into view in our camera in the United Nations Assembly Hall. We will take this opportunity to join Diane Swayer in a brief segment of _Eye On America!_"

"Hello, Michael. Diane Swayer here. All of America is waiting, tense with excitement as the alien creatures approach ever closer to the podium in the United Nations Assembly and we approach a new cross roads for all of humanity. Never have the hopes of humanity risen so high. Here to explore those hopes with me is Dr. Manaleus Paradopolous.

"Dr Para --

"Hey! You're not Doctor Paradopolous! Who are you? What have you done with the doctor?"

"Oh, wow, like, Diane Swayer, and yer ectually talking me, eh? Like, too cool, like, wow!

"Hey, whud'chya think of the dweeby little thing from the space saucer? Boy, is that funny or what? Huh? Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Wow, I bet I can fight him with both hands tied behind my back and squish him flat."

"I don't care what you think, I don't want to talk to you, you hillybilly sewer cleaner! I want to talk to Doctor Paradopolous! Now where is he?!"

"Who?"

"The short gentleman with white hair and glasses who is supposed to be sitting in that chair!"

"Oh, the dweeb. Me and the fellas thought it would be fun to lock him in the back of my honey-bucket."

"Well, get him out of there for cryin' out loud! That man is the most distinguished sociologist on the planet!"

"Yeah, babe, he's sure gonna stink after being in the honey-bucket. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh."

"Look smart ass. If you don't let him out I'm going to tell your wife not to have sex with you for six months."

"Whoa! You didn't say that you knew sis. Geez, just because a guy tries to have a little fun."

"GET HIM OUT OF THERE, YOU BLOCK HEAD!!"

"Okay, okay. Don't set your panties on fire."

"Diane? Diane, this Mike Wallface back at NBC central. I'm afraid we don't have any more time for your interview with Dr. Paradopolous. The strange alien creature has just entered the Assembly hall. . . . "

"What?! Hey! You can't cut me off like that! I'm Diane Swayer -- "

" . . . Reporting from the campus of the University of Nashville, Tennessee, and returning us to live coverage of the creature from the flying saucer. For someone with such short legs he sure does get around."

<clearing throat> "Well, the vertically challenged visitor from another world is now making his way to the podium and as we can plainly hear, there is an excited hubbub from the assembled diplomats from around the world which is quickly becoming a hushed anticipation for the first words of greeting from an alien visitor.

"Now he's stopping in front of the podium . . . <snrch> . . . and from where our camera is positioned one can just see the irridescent plume on the top of his helmet.

"Oh, wait. A janitor is coming forward with a step ladder. Now he's placing the step ladder, and now the alien is stepping up onto the step ladder, and the janitor is adjusting the microphone. We will now hear the first words addressed to the entire world by a being from elsewhere."

"You Earthlings! I demand the immediate return of my Eludium Q-32 Explosive Space Modulator! . . . "

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